Thursday Night Bar Fight #15: It’s a trap!
Good news, everyone!
Scientists have discovered… um… this thing? Maybe related to an alien, or a superhero or something? Or, I dunno, maybe… uh… a time machine?
Ah, screw it. It’s late and I’m tired and I’ve been writing three articles at once and so my brain really hurts, plus I have about 1,500 words on us going to war in Syria that I have to scrap now thanks to the fact that it’s all working out with diplomacy.[1] So I’m just skipping the whole fantastic scenario for this week’s bar fight because I can’t think of one to frame around the question. Let’s just dig in, shall we?
We are preparing to shoot a remake of the three original Star Wars movies: Star Wars-Star Wars, The Empire Strikes Back, and the one with all the damn Ewoks. Your job is to cast the movies. You may feel free to cast the major characters (e.g.: Darth Vader), or the minor ones (e.g.: Wedge Antilles), or even ones who I am pretty sure were never meant to have names but who many people on the Internet seem to know the names for anyway (e.g.: the walrus guy who gets his arm cut off in the cantina). However, due to budgetary issues, we can only afford to hire TV actors.
And therein lies this Thursday Night Bar Fight quandary:
Which television actors will you cast for the new Star Wars trilogy remake?
Keep in mind that, as always, there are some additional rules and stipulations.
- Actors that are primarily known as movie actors are not eligible, even if they have appeared on television. The reverse is also true. So, for example, George Clooney is not allowed even though he was on E.R., while Sarah Michelle Gellar is allowed even though she has been in… um… whatever movies she’s actually been in. (She’s been in movies, right?)
- Regardless of how versatile the actor is, they will play the part similarly to how they play their TV role. Because of this, you need to let us know which version of the actor you are casting. After all, while you can certainly hire Brian Cranston to play the Emperor, you’d get two very different movies depending upon whether you hired the Walter White or the Malcolm’s-dad version of Brian Cranston.
- CGI and costume budgets will be limited, so even characters that you think of as being played by actors you can’t see will be played by actors in limited amounts of costume and makeup. This will be important to think about when casting for, say, Vader, Chewbacca or the droids.
- Feel free to steal castings fro your fellow commentors if you like a particular choice.
Ready? Go!
[2] There. Happy?
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A huge part of this is just going to be figuring out how to best use Bryan Cranston, Idris Elba, Michael K Williams, and Jon Hamm. That said, Aaron Paul is my Luke Skywalker, hands down. How do people feel about Nathan Fillion playing Han Solo, since Malcolm Reynolds is about 70% Han Solo to start with?Report
Fillion as Han Solo seems like a good pick.Report
was my first thought as well.Report
Patrick Stewart as Grand Moff Tarkin (he’d make a great bad guy).Report
Re: [2]
Yes.
As for me and my brain, we’re tumbling over the whole “Who is going to play Ben Kenobi?” question. I’m thinking a guy who was known as a “real” actor in the 3, maybe 4, decades prior but has pretty much mostly disappeared since. Some stage work in there (if not Shakespeare), some lighter fare too… but mostly surprising because he’s, like, a really, really good actor in the middle of this dreck.
Ralph Richardson is dead. Which sucks. Crap, so is Nigel Hawthorne.
Sam Shepard? Is he disqualified?Report
Martin Landau?Report
Hrm. Maybe making him American is a bad idea.Report
Brian Blessed has done a lot of tv work. he could play loud kenobi or jabba the hut. or chewie. big, loud, fluffy…..
Yeah chewie.Report
We could just transfer the entire cast of That 70s Show. Wait, there was more than one woman on That 70s Show. Nevermind.Report
Stop being so cisnormative.Report
I think this is a necessary video addition to the conversation.Report
I’m unhappy about your no movie actors rule, because I think Seth Green would be perfect to play the Ewoks (all of them). And I don’t watch enough actual scripted TV to play by the rules.Report
I think you could rightly claim Seth Green as primarily a TV actor.Report
Really? I had no idea. What’s he been in? (I only know him from Up the Creek, some other movie I can’t recall, and seemingly lots of movie promos. He’s one of those I can’t help but notice because he’s instantly irritating…much like the Ewoks.)Report
He’s got a new show on Fox called Dads. It’s on before the new Andre Braugher, which I watched because I will watch anything that anyone from Homicide or Firefly is in, ever.Report
He started out on Buffy, voices Chris on Family Guy, and does a lot of work on Robot Chicken.Report
@chris I used to feel that way about everyone from “Firefly,” until I saw the “V” reboot.
I love Morena Baccarin. But even with her, it was just unwatchable.Report
Russell, I agree, actually. I couldn’t watch it either. But she’s the reason I started watching Homeland.Report
As an actress, she’s very very pretty.Report
1) I find it so charming that you have no idea what movies Sarah Michelle Gellar has been in. It makes me feel ever so slightly less out of touch with humanity, if only by comparison. (I loved her in “Cruel Intentions,” and there have been a handful of very successful horror flicks.)
2) The only casting choice I know I want for sure is Tina Fey playing Princess Leia.Report
+1 on Tina Fey for Princess Leia. That’s brilliant.Report
Double plus good!Report
And good god Fillion and Fey playing off each other would be brilliant.Report
That would work. But if we’re going to go this route, then I want Ed O’Neill involved in some prominent manner.
Also, the dude who played Clay Davis in The Wire needs to be Lando Calrissian regardless of the direction we take the rest of the cast.Report
“I am altering the deal. Pray I don’t alter it any further.”
“Sheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee…..”Report
I can’t comment on the dude in The Wire, but I was kind of thinking of Ice-T’s character from :aw and Order as Lando Calrissian. Billy Dee Williams always seem too nice, even when he was doing bad. Ice-T always seems bad, even when he’s being nice.Report
Fillion and Fey on the same set and nobody would get any work done from all the shenanigans.Report
@russell-saunders
“Cruel Intentions” is one of my guilty pleasure movies. And only a small part of that is due to SMG.
I should also note I was briefly in love with a girl because of her resemblance to SMG. Of course, I don’t remember her name.Report
How about Jeff Goldblum to play Han Solo? His lack of smoothness and element of creepiness would make for a great re-visioning of the character.Report
I’d say he’s primarily a movie actor.Report
Oh, yeah. Well, I already admitted I’m not competent to play this game by the rules.
OK, how about Donal Logue? Or to make Han Solo particularly creepifyingly unnerving, Kevin Corrigan. (Both from “Grounded For Life,” a sadly under-rated show.)Report
He plays Ruxin’s dad on The League. I’d say he fits–I can’t think of a prominent movie role he’s had recently, although I’m bad at movies.Report
Jeff Goldbloom as the guy in Powder or Jurassic Park (same character) as Hans Solo would be hilarious.Report
“Hans” Solo needs to deliver his dialogue in those terrible SNL Austrian accents (or, just Arnold’s regular one).
“I love you.”
“I KNOW.”Report
Dude, I’m doing everything I can to lose my geek card (though I knew it was Han, because when I was a kid, my next door neighbor, who had the heaviest Tennessee accent you’ve ever heard, would yell, “HAY-un” when we played Star Wars).Report
Matt Saracen (Zach Gilford) for Luke Skywalker. Can do both gawky/naive/plucky, and we know he can cover bad/absentee father anguish for the whole “THAT’S IMPOSSIBLE!” scene.Report
If we are going for television actors, and considering that Luke and Leia are both kind of young (you can see at least Star Wars as a coming of age trilogoy), I’d say we should raid the Disney channel for actors for at least Luke and Leia. Maybe even Han but I can’t see anybody bellow 25 playing Han Solo well. I’d argue that Han should be at least 30 even if this makes his relationship with Leia squicky.Report
Just curious… have you seen any of the Disney channel’s talent offerings?Report
No but I’m assuming that the young actors are easy on the eye but don’t have much in the way of acting ability. This might simply be the director’s fault or the fault of the requirements of Disney rather than reflecting a genuine lack of talent. When it comes to bad acting, the director is often at fault.Report
” I’m assuming that the young actors are easy on the eye but don’t have much in the way of acting ability.”
Like Mark Hamill circa 1977.Report
Yeah, but we have no confidence the directing would be any better. Witness the performance Natalie Portman turned in. She’s capable of doing good work (I haven’t seen “Black Swan,” but heard that she really did earn that Oscar) and I’ve seen larches with more emotional resonance than she displayed in the entire prequel trilogy.Report
In fairness, Mark Hamill turned out OK. His voice-acting work in the Arkham games is truly astounding–his Joker actually rivals Heath Ledger IMHO.Report
Thats my point Tod, I want to preserve the feel of the original as much as possible. Lucas was able to turn out some pretty ham-fisted performances from genuinely talented actors besides Mark Hamilll’s less than compelling portrayal as Luke. We want the new generation to have experience as close as possible to the first generation/Report
In fairness, Mark Hamill turned out OK. His voice-acting work in the Arkham games is truly astounding–his Joker actually rivals Heath Ledger IMHO.
Mark for the voice work of Darth Vader. For various reasons.Report
@michael-cain
Mark Hamill as the emperor playing it like 75% of his Batman animated joker.Report
Tatiana Maslany for all the roles, including the ‘droids.Report
The fact that there’s really only two actresses to cast (Leia and Mon Mothma) is kind of lame.
If you were going to do a re-jiggering of things, Katie Sackhoff would make a great female Han Solo. This would have a cascade effect on some other things…Report
Can Katie Sackhoff do “funny” though? Han gets most of the jokes.
This would have a cascade effect on some other things…
Or not. Either way is fine, really.Report
One thing about the age dynamic: I didn’t want to go with Fillion or Fey because they’re both too old.
No offense, you two, if you’re reading this, but Luke is supposed to be like 18 or something. I’d be hard pressed to see a whiny teenager as Tina Fey’s twin brother.
Han, on the other hand, is older. I think Katie could pull off “sardonic”Report
Patrick, thats why I want to raid the Disney channel for actors. We should be able to find people that are good enough there and the appropriate age.Report
“The fact that there’s really only two actresses to cast (Leia and Mon Mothma) is kind of lame.”
As a reminder: other than the rule about using television actors, you have full control over casting. You are allowed to cast Oprah as Darth Vader, or Maisie WIlliams (the actress who plays Arya Stark on GoT*) as Luke.
* Speaking of which… I know I don’t usually chime in on TNBFs, but writing that makes me think that casting Peter Dinklage as R2D2 would be great, especially if you cast a Black-Adder-III-era Rowan Atkinson as C3PO. Just the scenes where the two of them banter and insult one another would be worth making the entire movie.Report
I was going to go with Hugh Laurie (Fry and Laurie Hugh Laurie, not House Hugh Laurie) as C3PO.
Peter Dinklage is great if R2 actually had a voice.Report
I considered that. Then I thought, even seeing Dinklage’s facial expressions, eye rolls and smirks as he said out loud, “Beep. Beep-beep whistle, little-noise beep” in that droll voice of his would be pretty awesome.Report
ahemReport
Nailed me.Report
I’m sold. In addition to casting Sackoff as Han Solo, we could make “Luke” the sister and “Leia” the brother, preserving the romance.Report
Can we argue that Mark Hammill is now primarily a television actor?
I actually think he’d make a pretty good Emperor.Report
I was thinking Glenn Close. Does “Damages” mean we can use her?Report
I was going to use “Damages” to get her in as Mon Mothma.Report
Also The Shield. Which means Forrest Whittaker too.Report
Derek Jacobi for Obi Wan.Report
That’s pushing pretty hard on the rules. I think of him as a movie actor.
Really good pick, though.Report
Anthony Head could use the work.Report
I think between “I, Claudius,” “Cadfael,” his turn on “Doctor Who,” “The Borgias,” etc., he gets in.
But Anthony Head also rules.Report
He kind of has a similar look to Guinness if you put a beard on him. +1.Report
Oooooh, excellent.Report
Jason Segal as Chewbacca is a must-have.Report
I was thinking Brian Posehn.Report
Damn, he’s also really good.Report
That’s a great pick. Especially since my own person choice, Ron Jeremy, is DQed on the basis of being an… um… move actor.Report
Jason Segal as Chewbacca would be great just for how stupid giddy he would be in all the interview shows on the run-up to premiere day.Report
I’m having fun imagining all the bit parts.
Remember when Luke turns off his targeting computer, and the guy asks him what’s wrong, and when Luke replies “Nothing”, they’re showing some nameless old guy with a headset who’s got a “WTF?” expression on his face?
Tom Selleck, right there.
After Han Solo plugs Greedo and they do the sweep cam of the bar, and there’s the guy smoking the hookah who looks away with the, “What a rookie” expression? Benedict Cumberbach.
The fat guard who gets all teary when the rancor gets killed? Louis CK.Report
Nana Visitor as Leila.
Mainly because I love Major Kira.Report
Go with all new faces. These people will be stepping into roles which will leave them typecast for the rest of their lives.Report
I think the new Star Trek kids (kids? they’re in their thirties and forties) will be able to get other work.Report
John Colicos as Emperor Palpatine. Nobody does villainy better.Report
I’m just going to go all Lost, in mostly the same characters.
Jack – Luke
Kate – Leia
Sawyer – Han (how good would that be?)
Mr. Eko – Darth Vader (the only physically intimidating cast member I can think of)
Hurley – Chewbacca (the thought that inspired this list)
Locke – The Emperor
Desmond – Londo
Charlie – C3POReport
Staring:
Keke Palmer as Princess Leia
Tristan Wilds as Luke Skywalker
Daniel Sunjata as Han Solo (alternative: Aisha Tyler)
Jaleel White as C3PO
also starting
Blair Underwood as Grand Moff Tarkin
Dennis Haysbert as Emperor Palpatine
special appearances by
Nichelle Nichols as Mon Mothma
Bill Cosby as Uncle Owen and Phylicia Rashad as Aunt Beru
Featuring Patrick Warburton, as Darth Vader’s Voice
and introducing Nathan Fillion as “Lando Calrissian”Report
That was really very well doneReport
Aisha Tyler as Han Solo would make me watch it. Hell, Aisha Tyler as any character would make me watch it. Have I mentioned that I love Aisha Tyler?Report
Now you will love Aisha Tyler too.Report
I realized this morning I had two big oversights
Obi Wan Kenobi – Courtney B. Vance
Yoda –
Kevin ClashHmm, let me think about this one some more.ReportHe probably deserves more than a bit part, but I’m recommending Charles Dance for Grand Moff Tarkin based on his performance as Tywin Lannister in Game of Thrones.Report
Why not the emperor?Report
‘Cos that’s Larry David.
[cue jaunty tuba]Report
There’s a longer version of that satirical video somewhere, which talks about the fact that records show Luke’s targeting computer wasn’t even _turned on_, which means there’s not only no way he could have hit his target, but there’s no record of whether he did or not.
And then there’s the suspicious fact that Biggs, a known associate of Luke’s, went off to join the Imperials, but then immediately ‘defected’ and joined the rebels, at which point he participated in the attack on the Death Star, and was personally shot down by Vader. Was he a cutout between Vader and the rebels, passing messages back and forth,and killed because he knew too much? Another unknown man in a stormtrooper uniform was involved in the transfer of Leia to the Correllian freighter, was it him?
And let’s not even get into the Kenobi connection, who mentored both Luke and Vader, and the fact there’s absolutely no evidence he’s really dead as is claimed.Report