Thursday Night Bar Fight #15: It’s a trap!

Tod Kelly

Tod is a writer from the Pacific Northwest. He is also serves as Executive Producer and host of both the 7 Deadly Sins Show at Portland's historic Mission Theatre and 7DS: Pants On Fire! at the White Eagle Hotel & Saloon. He is  a regular inactive for Marie Claire International and the Daily Beast, and is currently writing a book on the sudden rise of exorcisms in the United States. Follow him on Twitter.

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86 Responses

  1. Don Zeko says:

    A huge part of this is just going to be figuring out how to best use Bryan Cranston, Idris Elba, Michael K Williams, and Jon Hamm. That said, Aaron Paul is my Luke Skywalker, hands down. How do people feel about Nathan Fillion playing Han Solo, since Malcolm Reynolds is about 70% Han Solo to start with?Report

  2. Patrick says:

    Patrick Stewart as Grand Moff Tarkin (he’d make a great bad guy).Report

  3. Jaybird says:

    Re: [2]

    As for me and my brain, we’re tumbling over the whole “Who is going to play Ben Kenobi?” question. I’m thinking a guy who was known as a “real” actor in the 3, maybe 4, decades prior but has pretty much mostly disappeared since. Some stage work in there (if not Shakespeare), some lighter fare too… but mostly surprising because he’s, like, a really, really good actor in the middle of this dreck.

    Ralph Richardson is dead. Which sucks. Crap, so is Nigel Hawthorne.
    Sam Shepard? Is he disqualified?Report

  4. Chris says:

    We could just transfer the entire cast of That 70s Show. Wait, there was more than one woman on That 70s Show. Nevermind.Report

  5. J@m3z Aitch says:

    I think this is a necessary video addition to the conversation.Report

  6. J@m3z Aitch says:

    I’m unhappy about your no movie actors rule, because I think Seth Green would be perfect to play the Ewoks (all of them). And I don’t watch enough actual scripted TV to play by the rules.Report

  7. 1) I find it so charming that you have no idea what movies Sarah Michelle Gellar has been in. It makes me feel ever so slightly less out of touch with humanity, if only by comparison. (I loved her in “Cruel Intentions,” and there have been a handful of very successful horror flicks.)

    2) The only casting choice I know I want for sure is Tina Fey playing Princess Leia.Report

  8. J@m3z Aitch says:

    How about Jeff Goldblum to play Han Solo? His lack of smoothness and element of creepiness would make for a great re-visioning of the character.Report

  9. Glyph says:

    Matt Saracen (Zach Gilford) for Luke Skywalker. Can do both gawky/naive/plucky, and we know he can cover bad/absentee father anguish for the whole “THAT’S IMPOSSIBLE!” scene.Report

  10. LeeEsq says:

    If we are going for television actors, and considering that Luke and Leia are both kind of young (you can see at least Star Wars as a coming of age trilogoy), I’d say we should raid the Disney channel for actors for at least Luke and Leia. Maybe even Han but I can’t see anybody bellow 25 playing Han Solo well. I’d argue that Han should be at least 30 even if this makes his relationship with Leia squicky.Report

  11. Glyph says:

    Tatiana Maslany for all the roles, including the ‘droids.Report

  12. Patrick says:

    The fact that there’s really only two actresses to cast (Leia and Mon Mothma) is kind of lame.

    If you were going to do a re-jiggering of things, Katie Sackhoff would make a great female Han Solo. This would have a cascade effect on some other things…Report

    • Glyph in reply to Patrick says:

      Can Katie Sackhoff do “funny” though? Han gets most of the jokes.

      This would have a cascade effect on some other things…

      Or not. Either way is fine, really.Report

      • Patrick in reply to Glyph says:

        One thing about the age dynamic: I didn’t want to go with Fillion or Fey because they’re both too old.

        No offense, you two, if you’re reading this, but Luke is supposed to be like 18 or something. I’d be hard pressed to see a whiny teenager as Tina Fey’s twin brother.

        Han, on the other hand, is older. I think Katie could pull off “sardonic”Report

      • LeeEsq in reply to Glyph says:

        Patrick, thats why I want to raid the Disney channel for actors. We should be able to find people that are good enough there and the appropriate age.Report

    • Tod Kelly in reply to Patrick says:

      “The fact that there’s really only two actresses to cast (Leia and Mon Mothma) is kind of lame.”

      As a reminder: other than the rule about using television actors, you have full control over casting. You are allowed to cast Oprah as Darth Vader, or Maisie WIlliams (the actress who plays Arya Stark on GoT*) as Luke.

      * Speaking of which… I know I don’t usually chime in on TNBFs, but writing that makes me think that casting Peter Dinklage as R2D2 would be great, especially if you cast a Black-Adder-III-era Rowan Atkinson as C3PO. Just the scenes where the two of them banter and insult one another would be worth making the entire movie.Report

    • Fish in reply to Patrick says:

      I’m sold. In addition to casting Sackoff as Han Solo, we could make “Luke” the sister and “Leia” the brother, preserving the romance.Report

  13. Patrick says:

    Can we argue that Mark Hammill is now primarily a television actor?

    I actually think he’d make a pretty good Emperor.Report

  14. Derek Jacobi for Obi Wan.Report

  15. Dan Miller says:

    Jason Segal as Chewbacca is a must-have.Report

  16. Patrick says:

    I’m having fun imagining all the bit parts.

    Remember when Luke turns off his targeting computer, and the guy asks him what’s wrong, and when Luke replies “Nothing”, they’re showing some nameless old guy with a headset who’s got a “WTF?” expression on his face?

    Tom Selleck, right there.

    After Han Solo plugs Greedo and they do the sweep cam of the bar, and there’s the guy smoking the hookah who looks away with the, “What a rookie” expression? Benedict Cumberbach.

    The fat guard who gets all teary when the rancor gets killed? Louis CK.Report

  17. NewDealer says:

    Nana Visitor as Leila.

    Mainly because I love Major Kira.Report

  18. BlaiseP says:

    Go with all new faces. These people will be stepping into roles which will leave them typecast for the rest of their lives.Report

  19. JG New says:

    John Colicos as Emperor Palpatine. Nobody does villainy better.Report

  20. Pinky says:

    I’m just going to go all Lost, in mostly the same characters.

    Jack – Luke
    Kate – Leia
    Sawyer – Han (how good would that be?)
    Mr. Eko – Darth Vader (the only physically intimidating cast member I can think of)
    Hurley – Chewbacca (the thought that inspired this list)
    Locke – The Emperor
    Desmond – Londo
    Charlie – C3POReport

  21. Kolohe says:

    Keke Palmer as Princess Leia
    Tristan Wilds as Luke Skywalker
    Daniel Sunjata as Han Solo (alternative: Aisha Tyler)
    Jaleel White as C3PO

    also starting
    Blair Underwood as Grand Moff Tarkin
    Dennis Haysbert as Emperor Palpatine

    special appearances by
    Nichelle Nichols as Mon Mothma
    Bill Cosby as Uncle Owen and Phylicia Rashad as Aunt Beru

    Featuring Patrick Warburton, as Darth Vader’s Voice

    and introducing Nathan Fillion as “Lando Calrissian”Report

  22. KatherineMW says:

    He probably deserves more than a bit part, but I’m recommending Charles Dance for Grand Moff Tarkin based on his performance as Tywin Lannister in Game of Thrones.Report

  23. DavidTC says:

    There’s a longer version of that satirical video somewhere, which talks about the fact that records show Luke’s targeting computer wasn’t even _turned on_, which means there’s not only no way he could have hit his target, but there’s no record of whether he did or not.

    And then there’s the suspicious fact that Biggs, a known associate of Luke’s, went off to join the Imperials, but then immediately ‘defected’ and joined the rebels, at which point he participated in the attack on the Death Star, and was personally shot down by Vader. Was he a cutout between Vader and the rebels, passing messages back and forth,and killed because he knew too much? Another unknown man in a stormtrooper uniform was involved in the transfer of Leia to the Correllian freighter, was it him?

    And let’s not even get into the Kenobi connection, who mentored both Luke and Vader, and the fact there’s absolutely no evidence he’s really dead as is claimed.Report