So I had a cut on the side of my nose the other day that has scarred over in a way I didn’t expect, making it look nastier than it really was. I need a good story–readers: how did I get this scar? Though I live in Canada, I’m in Vancouver so a run in with a polar bear will not work. Though people have fought cougars in these parts (the feline ones, not the 45 year old sex crazed ones, although there’s plenty of those around town too).
Update I: Video after jump of Jack in classic form (per the comments)
I was in a bar and some Americans showed up. They were laughing and boisterous, you know how they are. They were wearing Obama t-shirts and cheering and they said something to the effect of “USA! USA! USA! NOW WE HAVE A HEALTH CARE SYSTEM EVEN BETTER THAN YOURS!!!!”
Well, I had to show them that the way the war of 1812 didn’t exactly go the way that they were taught in their textbooks.
Much in the same way as happened in 1812, they gave me a tiny scratch on the nose barely worth telling a story about… and I sent them packing back down south.Report
Violence and correcting the historical record. Nice.Report
I always start with, “This guy in the bar was making an ass of himself…”Report
Here’s what you tell them:
You were nosing around what is supposedly the Lake Hollywood Reservoir, built by Water Commissioner William Mulholland in 1925. All of sudden you’re jumped by two security guards. One of them grabs you, whips out a switchblade knife and sticks it up your nose. His buddy says, “You’re a very nosy fellow, kitty cat. you know what happens to nosey fellows? Wanna guess? No? Okay. They lose their noses.”
With a flck of the wrist, the thug slits your nostril.
If anyone asks if you called the police you tell them, “Forget it — it’s Chinatown.”Report
I wish I’d made this joke first!Report
+1 Joe.Report
Awesome.Report
The trick is the story has to be amazing enough to make you look really cool, but also believable enough that when someone says “really?” you can say “totally” and they’ll accept it. You also need to draw in your audience emotionally. It’s a balancing act. So try this one on for size:
I was on the ferry to Victoria for [Insert reason why you might have had to go to Victoria, e.g., a romantic assignation of some sort.] I was standing out on the deck, enjoying the view and the cool ocean breeze. About twenty minutes into the trip, an orca breaches, not twenty feet off the deck. Spectacular! He twists in the air and BOOM! crashes down with a huge splash. Now, you might think about the splash, but you’ve probably never thought about how much force a three-ton whale gives out when it hits the water. The shock of being that close to the impact literally threw me back against the bulkhead. That must have been when I cut my nose. But that was also right when the spray hit, so I didn’t really notice anything. Anyway, we docked about fifteen minutes later and I met my [friend, date, lover, etc.] and there’s blood ALL OVER my shirt and jacket because of that orca slamming me into the bulkhead. It… well, let’s just say it was an awkward start to the afternoon.Report
There are polar bears in Vancouver. They just all happen to be located in the West End and yr HQ is in Kits. And if you were to cross pathes, there would be a solid 64.35% chance they’d call you, “kitty cat”.Report
Lol. So, I was walking past the Pump Jack….
I think sticking with the native cougar would be a better way to go. Go with the Joseph angle. This chick insisted I sleep with her and in the effort to get away….Report
Jon Montgomery tried to take your pitcher, and that sh*t just wasn’t gonna happen.Report