Just Stop
Nobody worry. Despite the government being shut down, the powers that be are still hard at work keeping our kids safe. From what, you ask? Stamps. That’s what.
But that’s not all you ask. Now, you’re asking, “How the hell are stamps posing a danger to our children? Are kids getting paper cuts because their tablet-tapping fingers aren’t properly calloused to handle the upcoming deluge of snail-mail letters to Santa? Are the stamps backed with a substance that is proving either intoxicating, poisonous, or both? Are these the sort of stamps that helped breed the revolution upon which this nation was founded?”
Nope. Nope. And nope.
These stamps are far worse… far more insidious. Here… let me show you just how dangerous these stamps are. But, please, first clear the room of any children. For their safety. Of course.
So, you ask again, what exactly is wrong with these stamps? What risk do they pose to our children? What is dangerous about a stamp series encouraging children to go out and be active?
Look closely. Closer still. See that one in the middle row, second from the left? Notice how conspicuously absent that daredevil skateboarder’s kneepads are as he performs a death defying trick?
That’s not all. Look just below that. The young man there is doing a head stand… without a helmet. Hey, youngster… it’s called a helmet stand, not a head stand. Well, okay, maybe it is called a head stand. But it is also known as the 94,428th leading cause of death among children under 12*.
But it gets worse. Glance just slightly to the right for the most egregious one of all. A young man doing a cannon ball. A cannon ball! Christ almighty, a cannon ball is practically a gun! In the unlikely event that boy survives such a risky act, he should be immediately suspended from school. Zero tolerance, and all.
Those three stamps have apparently been cited by the President’s Council on Fitness, Sports & Nutrition as unsafe. As such, the USPS will destroy the entire run of stamps. And thank god for that. Now our kids can write letters without us having to fear for their lives.
* **
** This footnote is deliberately left blank because statistic it is entirely made up. Death by head stand is, unfortunately, not officially kept. Thanks, Big Head Stand.
For some reason I thought this would be about LSD.Report
So did I.Report
“Now our kids can write letters”
Heh.Report
They show kids doing cartwheels and playing with balls, too; that’s outrageous!Report
I’d chime in to say, “What’s next? Banning [insert name of even more innocuous game here]?” but I don’t want to give them any ideas.Report
I got a serious concussion in high school playing pick-up volleyball, and was in a daze for two weeks. As in, suddenly stopping in the hallway of my high school and trying to figure out where I was.
Obviously, volleyball must be banned.Report
I’ve gotten three concussions related to drinking.
Hey, ho, beer must go!Report
If that question isn’t on AA’s list for determining if you’re an alcoholic, it probably ought to be. 😉Report
Two were in college and surrounded attending football events, which means we shouldn’t even watch football, let alone play it.
The third came while attempting to be chivalrous to some young ladies in a bar. Clearly, I should have just called them oral-contraceptive-users.Report
I talked to a man who was bitten by a dead bear last night due to beer. Beer must not go!Report
Aargh, he was not bitten last night. I swear the words were in the correct order when I hit Post Comment.Report
I talked to a man who was bitten by a dead bear last night due to beer.
With beer, all things are possible.Report
Well that explains how you chose to go into political science as a career path.Report
@just-me
Did he look like Walter Brennan?Report
Nob,
Actually that decision came later, but in the year or so after my second severe concussion (getting kicked in the head in the projects; fun times), so maybe there’s something to your theory.Report
@mike-schilling A young Walter Brennan.Report
Michelle must have been so disappointed in the postal service after all the work she’s put into getting our youth to be active, safely.Report
I’ve been amazed at the pushback against the First Lady’s health and fitness initiatives. I mean, what else will conservatives find they oppose if it is promoted by the spouse of a Democratic president? Breathing?
Seriously, who doubts that, if Michelle Obama had simply continued Laura Bush’s reading and education programs, conservatives would have simply decided that they opposed reading and education programs?Report
While I agree with you about the absurdity of conservatives oppostion to most of Michelle’s efforts. However, this reeks of liberal ridiculousness.Report
“It’s like these guys take pride in being ignorant.”Report
I also think some critics’ fears about fat-shaming have a point, even if they carry it a bit too far to taint her entire pro-fitness campaign.Report
I wish she had argued that we “Say No To Drugs”.Report
Did she have anything to do with the ridiculousness?Report
Pierre, I agree, both about the fat shaming, and about the over-the-topness of the criticism.Report
Chris:
I have no problem with the goal of getting kids to be more active but her school lunch program has been a disaster. A lot of healthy food has been going into the trash since they can’t make kids eat it and some school districts have lost money.
Stillwater:
What is that supposed to mean? Don’t you find the destruction of the stamps silly?Report
Other way around: conservatives oppose reading and education in general, and didn’t say anything that time as a special favor to Mrs. Bush.Report
Kids aren’t eating everything, therefore it’s a disaster? Point made for me, thanks.Report
A lot of healthy food has been going into the trash since they can’t make kids eat it and some school districts have lost money.
And do we know that a lot of unhealthy food did not make it’s way into the trash (and school districts also lost money) before? Was anybody counting before, or just after, going for a Fox & Friends gotcha moment?
It’s a really good habit to flip these kinds of gotcha’s around; examine them from the other side, before you embrace them too closely and end up with school lunch on your face. Particularly when it comes to women, Michelle Obama and Sarah Palin, both.Report
It’s stuff like this that makes it really, really hard to take conservatives seriously with their complaints about Obama.
Come on, talk about drones or executive overreach or that you’d prioritize things differently. But this stuff?
Good lord. What a flipping joke. And it’s not just this stuff — Volokh Conspiracy, a legal blog? For week’s there’s been a complaining “OMG, parks is closed, Chicago Thug Politics” whine — but not a word on the anti-deficiency act, it’s interpretation and application — nothing about the actual law that the OMB and the Executive apply, nothing with actual meat to it.
Good lord, it’s right in their proverbial bailiwick and there’s not even a cursory “Here’s the law” post with a “And here’s why X is BS” post. Just…retyped screeds from Facebook, basically.Report
For years now, Volokh has impossible to take seriously. In 2009 they seriously contended that Hillary was ineligible to be Secretary of State even if she turned down the raise or even the entire salary, as if the situation had never come up and been resolved in the past.Report
I’ve been amazed at the pushback against the First Lady’s health and fitness initiatives. I mean, what else will conservatives find they oppose if it is promoted by the spouse of a Democratic president? Breathing?
Actually, as someone who takes health, nutrition and fitness very seriously, I can completely understand why someone would want to push back at something like the “Drink Up” initiative, even if I agree with her in principle (which I do – I drink a gallon of water a day).Report
I’ll save the explanation for later. I need to write a post anyway. 😉Report
Dave, my amazement has not been at substantive criticisms, but the stuff like what I was responding to here, or the “broccoli mandate” criticisms.Report
There is certainly room to make legitimate criticisms of some of her efforts. But most of them are fairly mundane. Or just common sense.
The worst is the criticism that is aimed at her for even having a voice. You can choose your pick of labeling it racist, sexist, or partisan. Regardless, it is stupid.Report
Chris,
http://wonkette.com/528780/michelle-obama-wants-kids-to-drink-up-conservatives-now-hate-water
Some people would include criticism of the “Drink Up” initiative in your broccoli mandate category (I don’t know whether or not you do so I make no assumption either way). In this case, I think the critics of the critics look like bigger idiots than the critics themselves but that’s just me. Partisan politics at its finest.
The decision to scrap the stamp should be mocked, as should the idiots that voiced these concerns. I hope these people never set foot on a playground or a field where kids are playing pickup games of soccer, football, basketball, hockey, lacrosse, etc. because they are going to freak out at all the “unsafe” activities.Report
@dave
From your link:
“Some conservatives have been quick to jump on Michelle Obama for her “scientific” claims, pointing to a POLITICO story that quotes experts who claim there are discernible benefits from drinking one extra glass of water a day. Rush Limbaugh called it “just more command-and-control” from the Obama White House. The Washington Times went after the “the nation’s most prominent anti-obesity crusader” for misleading the public. And the Washington Free Beacon blasted the headline, “Michelle Obama’s Drink More Water Campaign Based on Faulty Science.””
One of those things is not like the other. I bolded it for ya. Rush should be knocked for clearly partisan BS. The others should be taken seriously and we should look at the various data-driven resources to make an honest assessment of FLOTUS’s campaign.Report
http://newyork.cbslocal.com/2013/10/07/long-island-middle-school-bans-footballs-other-recreational-items/Report
By the way, in case it’s not clear, the “criticism” I was responding to here was NotMe’s, not Kazzy’s. I agree with Kazzy’s post.Report
@kazzy ,
Rush Limbaugh called it “just more command-and-control” from the Obama White House.
This is the same Rush Limbaugh that criticized Michelle Obama for being a hypocrite for eating ribs while telling others they need to eat healthy food. Rush is an ass. I’ve never taken him seriously.
The others should be taken seriously and we should look at the various data-driven resources to make an honest assessment of FLOTUS’s campaign.
The Wonkette article clearly did not do that, but I’m less concerned about the factual claims than I am the motivations behind them. By motivations, I mean the motivations of going down this road as opposed to better alternatives.Report
One clarification – I’m less concerned about the factual claim that increased water consumption increases energy levels because even if that is disputed (and it is), there are so many other positive benefits to increased water consumption that it makes the “junk science” moot.Report
Chris,
Got it. My apologies for any confusion.Report
No fencing?Report
My god man, are you really suggesting that we put edged weapons in the hand of kids. Next you will encourage them to use air rifles.Report
@kazzy bait.Report
Pointing out the cannonball as being dangerous is probably the worst. As far as ways to jump into a pool, that is probably the safest. It does not carry the risks that come with misjudging the depth before diving in head first or with legs extended. Obviously a ladder would be safer, but where is the fun in that?Report
Fun? FUN?!?!?! This isn’t about fun! Children are dying. Maybe. Probably? Well, no, they’re not. But what if they were? WHAT IF THEY WERE??? Their hypothetical blood is on your pool-water-soaked hands, @reformed-republican .Report
He can’t be that reformed if he still thinks kids should have fun. 😉Report
Careful Kazzy, you got some libertarian on you. That stuff just does not come out in the wash.Report
Heh… I’ve never pretended otherwise.Report
won’t someONE PLEASE think of the children!Report
I’m having trouble figuring out the intersection of ‘stamps’ and ‘children’ myself. How are children ever going to see stamps?
Is this some sort of new ironic thing with children, them purchasing stamps? What do they _do_ with them? Stick them on their phone?Report