Nobody worry. Despite the government being shut down, the powers that be are still hard at work keeping our kids safe. From what, you ask? Stamps. That’s what.
But that’s not all you ask. Now, you’re asking, “How the hell are stamps posing a danger to our children? Are kids getting paper cuts because their tablet-tapping fingers aren’t properly calloused to handle the upcoming deluge of snail-mail letters to Santa? Are the stamps backed with a substance that is proving either intoxicating, poisonous, or both? Are these the sort of stamps that helped breed the revolution upon which this nation was founded?”
Nope. Nope. And nope.
These stamps are far worse… far more insidious. Here… let me show you just how dangerous these stamps are. But, please, first clear the room of any children. For their safety. Of course.
Look closely. Closer still. See that one in the middle row, second from the left? Notice how conspicuously absent that daredevil skateboarder’s kneepads are as he performs a death defying trick?
That’s not all. Look just below that. The young man there is doing a head stand… without a helmet. Hey, youngster… it’s called a helmet stand, not a head stand. Well, okay, maybe it is called a head stand. But it is also known as the 94,428th leading cause of death among children under 12*.
But it gets worse. Glance just slightly to the right for the most egregious one of all. A young man doing a cannon ball. A cannon ball! Christ almighty, a cannon ball is practically a gun! In the unlikely event that boy survives such a risky act, he should be immediately suspended from school. Zero tolerance, and all.
Those three stamps have apparently been cited by the President’s Council on Fitness, Sports & Nutrition as unsafe. As such, the USPS will destroy the entire run of stamps. And thank god for that. Now our kids can write letters without us having to fear for their lives.
** This footnote is deliberately left blank because statistic it is entirely made up. Death by head stand is, unfortunately, not officially kept. Thanks, Big Head Stand.