Enter the Commenter Conspiracy Theory Contest: Say It with Flowers Edition
Here’s a thing I keep running into at political news sites:
“Staffers are abuzz about the abrupt exit of the White House’s chief florist last month, the Washington Post reported Monday.
Laura Dowling joined the residence staff in 2009 after proving her prowess in a reality TV-style floral arranging competition, according to the report.
But Dowling was escorted from the White House on Feb. 13, an anonymous source in touch with current residence staffers told the newspaper.”
I encourage you to read the whole thing, because… well, no actually I don’t, because it’s a stupid dumb-ass story that doesn’t get any less boring the more you read about it. People who are terminated being escorted out of the office is pretty common, and is usually a way of saying “we just want to make sure you don’t vandalize or take something on the way out.” Sometimes it’s entirely justified, sometimes it’s a dick move, and sometimes it’s just company policy.
Still, in the 24-hour news cycle cluster**k of today I think we all know that there will inevitably be some conspiracy theory that a third of the country is talking about a week from now that centers on this decorative centerpiece of a story. And I’m thinking that there’s no reason that ground zero for that conspiracy theory can’t be right here, at Ordinary Times.
And so I announce our first ever Conspiracy Theory Contest.
Here are the rules:
- You must come up with a conspiracy theory that describes the real, hidden, and nefarious reason(s) why the White House florist was terminated.
- All commenters will be encouraged to “Plus One” or “Minus One” on other commenters’ entries, and to either expand upon them, crap upon them, or debunk them. This will go into the judges’ evaluation of each theory.
- In addition to commenter feedback, entries will be judged on both creativity and the degree to which the judges can picture it actually catching on in the world at large. The judges reserve the right to award points for style, use of the phrase “mole people,” or really anything else we damn well please.
- On Thursday evening we will announce a winner, and by next week we will hope to have a full post on the theory that we will attempt to tweet out with a unique conspiracy-theory hashtag to talk radio show hosts, known conspiracy theorists, and the world at large in an attempt to see if we can make the theory stick.
Here is what you could win:
If your conspiracy theory is chosen, you could win your choice of one of four valuable prizes:
- Ability to ask any of the judges to write a guest post on a topic of your choice, as well as the ability to change my gravatar to any non-offensive image you like!
- A $20 gift certificate to new and used book store Powells.com!
- A night out of beer and whiskey tasting, to be cashed in whenever you are in my hometown or I am in yours!
- A Lando Calriscian action figure, still in original packaging, that I won last year at a trivia contest at a bar whose name I can’t remember!
The contest begins… now!
Her free-range flower arrangements clashed with Michelle’s new feminine lean-in fashions so she was deranged back to the farm.Report
I was going to say the flowers clashed with her bare arms. Remember when people freaked out about her showing her arms?Report
Her insistence on using heirloom organic flowers interferes with Monsanto’s attempts to corner the flower market with GMO varieties.Report
…which are actually mind-control flowers that make everyone homosexual.Report
Maybe you ALL are homosexuals!Report
Up and at them!Report
Now I want to see a McBain movie that is like “Invasion of the Body Snatchers” but based on real-life events.Report
Barack Obama kept complaining to Michelle that the flower arrangements kept saying “I heart Ted Cruz”,
“Obamacare is making America sick”, and “Benghaziiiiiiiii”Report
She was secretly putting together floral arrangements with both Kenyan and Hawaiian flowers and videotaping Obama smelling the Kenyan ones and saying “I remember flowers like these from when I was a child” while she had other tapes where Obama was walking past the Hawaiian flowers without even noticing them.Report
‘Escorted from the grounds’, yeah, right.
I point out that the only contact anyone has had with her after her ‘firing’ is via the ‘law firm’ Sidley Austin.
The ‘law firm’ Sidley Austin is well known for working with the World Trade Organization and has been secretly ranked the ‘Global WTO Law Firm of the Year’. They also have been involved in various false flag operations against the US, starting from the assassination of President Lincoln all the way to the WTC ‘attack’. They also have close links to 40% of Supreme Court cases, which, when you think about it, explains a lot. Not a word they say can be trusted.
But, in reality, no one has actually *seen* here after she was removed from the White House.
She’s clearly been ‘volunteered’ to set up the hydroponics at the underground FEMA camps.
(And now I’m worried I just defamed a really powerful law firm. It’s a joke, I promise.)Report
This is a strong contender. I’m going to have to step up my game if I want to play.
(FTR, I think it’s clear enough that this is a joke.)Report
Oh, but I just explained where she *went* after she was removed from public view. I didn’t actually explain *why* she was fired in the first place.
My theory is more an addition to a proper conspiracy theory about her firing, instead of a theory itself.
Please note how stupid this addition is, because she has not, in fact, disappeared from public view, and no one needs to explain where she has gone, because she had gone no where. But we can’t let mere *facts* stand in the way of The TRUTH. And when it becomes clear she’s still around, she’s clearly either a body double or has been brainwashed.Report
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After seeing the products of her work weaponized and hurled in a domestic dispute, she decided to distance herself from the power of state actors.Report
It’s all a misunderstanding, she got past the secret service with a pair of pruning shears & they over-reacted.Report
Pure PC. She refused to do flowers for Elena Kagan”s upcoming wedding with Amanda Marcotte.Report
(Guys, all your conspiracy theories *make sense*, in that they would be good reason to fire her if true.
Conspiracy theories usually don’t make sense with their own internal logic, like how the US government, because it wanted a war with Iraq, faked terrorist attacks using *Saudis*. And entered into an incredibly stupid agreement about the WTC’s *insurance policy* with the owner, because when you’re murdering thousands of people, the thing you really care about is if some guy’s got his insurance payoff. Or how they replaced the plane with holographic missiles, and then kept the real planes in service, because, uh, reasons. (Seriously, Truther conspiracies are completely crackpot.)
And then they turn into rambling digressions about how all this connects to everything else, via things stated as if they were obviously true, but don’t actually make a lot of sense.
If you limit yourself to logic that *makes internal sense*, you’re never going to get anywhere with conspiracy theories. Don’t ask yourself ‘why?’, ask yourself ‘If I look at every single little detail, what nonsensical connection can I make to something else? What slightly weird fact exists?’. And then follow that logic *no matter where it leads*. If it doesn’t lead anywhere, make it lead somewhere, or just connect it to the UN.)Report
I love the WTC 9/11 theories about how the fire could not possibly have been hot enough to melt steel. I remember they even got an Engineering professor to claim that, and he got dogpiled by other engineers & profs so fast that tenure is the only thing that kept his school from firing him.Report
We. Can’t Fire. You.
But we can make you teach freshmen. Art. Majors.Report
I love the WTC 9/11 theories about how the fire could not possibly have been hot enough to melt steel.
No, see, that’s a part of the conspiracy that actually *does* make internal sense. The conspirators wanted the towers to go down, so they put something in the towers to make them burn better. That theory actually has the conspirators doing something to further their presumed goal. It is ‘logical’ in the sense it follows from basic ‘People want A to happen, so they do B, which causes A’.
You’d be amazed how many Truther conspiracy parts *do not follow basic rules of logic* in this manner. Like the whole ‘replace the airplanes with holographic missiles’ gibberish, which is so stupid it’s hard to explain. Or the ‘And the WTC owner was in on the plot to get the insurance money’. (Because when the US government plots mass murder and treason, of course they’re going to involve some guy in an insurance scam.) Or the ‘The terrorists are still alive and one was just spotted’ nonsense, which means the US government used the actual names of actual real terrorists that it knew were alive…and, incidentally, used them from the wrong country, instead of just *making up* some Iraqis, which would have served the purpose a million times better.
Conspiracy theorists seize on *every tiny detail* they make into an ‘oddity’, even ones that cannot possible be bent to actually support the theory!
Like the JFK assassination, for example. I think a reasonable case can be made for the idea that Oswald was working either for the CIA, the KGB, or the Mafia. Any one of those, or a combination, could be true. I don’t know. The KGB had the means, the CIA and Mafia both had motive. And instead all the conspiracies are about people besides Oswald being the shooter, which is almost certainly not true. All these theories are based on, to put it bluntly, nonsensical tiny data points, things like people owning umbrellas or shooters in places there were not shooters.Report
David,
the folks I know with forensic experience say otherwise. And they’ve a lot of experience with digging up unpleasant conclusions.
Not that they think it was the Mafia, or the FBI, OR the CIA.Report
Anyone who thinks there was any shooter besides Oswald is wrong.
Or, at least, thinks the shots came from anywhere *except* the book depository. It’s possible the guy shooting *from there* wasn’t Oswald, although I can’t say I’ve ever heard that theory. (Incidentally, they have recently found a video recording from a few minutes earlier that clearly shows the window open and a person wearing a white shirt moving around in it.)
The ballistics make perfect sense based on the actual seating in the car.
I once saw a really wacked out theory that claimed there were *six* gunshots, every pair of them perfectly synced. (Or maybe it was nine!) It had based this upon weird shrapnel. While this seems nearly impossible with 1960s tech, even if it was possible, it raises the obvious question of how a sniper would shoot someone if the timing of their shot was remote controlled. But the more obvious question there would be *why*. You don’t need nine bullets to kill one guy.Report
Sorry, one detail missed – the fire from jet fuel would not have been hot enough, so something hotter would have to have been in place in the towers (or, alternatively, the towers were rigged with explosives, or the hotter accelerant was on the plane, not the towers, or…).
All of which hinges on the primary assumption that the force of impact coupled with a jet fuel fire being fanned by the winds common at that height would not have brought the towers down.
Conspiracy theorists think Occam’s Razor is for short sighted dupes.Report
I’ve read analyses that say that the jet fuel alone wouldn’t have generated enough heat to make the towers collapse. Jet fuel plus the contents of the buildings though? Plenty.Report
You might make the 2″ box beams pliable enough for failure, but looking in terms of fart in the wind stoichiometry, there will be to much fuel boiling off or to much wind cooling the surrounding material to get mass occurences of molten steel.
Also that initial hole in the side of the Pentagon (before facade failure) looks suspiciously about the size of a droned F4 Phantom.
sorta, maybe, kindaReport
The fire doesn’t have to melt the beams, just soften enough of them that the heat causes plastic deformation in enough of the beams & supports that were not damaged by the impact. Once bent or otherwise damaged, the weight of the floors above does the rest.Report
“Dowling was escorted out of the White House after revealing disturbing and closely guarded evidence of Federal Government complicity in the 9/11 WTC attacks. “She even new the name of the actor who played Bin-Laden on TV,” one SS agent said with disgust, adding “I don’t know how many times I’ve told Michelle that the underground bunker doesn’t need any damn flowers!” “Report
I’ve read analyses that say that the jet fuel alone wouldn’t have generated enough heat to make the towers collapse. Jet fuel plus the contents of the buildings though? Plenty.
Jet fuel plus whatever is used to make chemtrails? Way more than enough.
(I stole that from, I believe, xkcd.)Report
Oh, yeah, that Chemtrails stuff is real nasty (I used to work for the Major US Airline Maker, remember, those Chemtrail tanks have some pretty tough specs).
People think TWA 800 was a fuel tank explosion, and the nutjobs say it was a missile, but the reality is the Chemtrail tanks had a leak…Report
I know a guy who’s one of the chemtrails people. I like to bring up “contrails” now and then, because he will instantly, presumably reflexively, say “there’s no such thing as contrails!”Report
Let me add that he also believes that Russia and the United States both have massive, fully functional weather-controlling programs (drought in Texas and California? the government is doing it). I wonder if we can work that into the florist story?Report
@chris
I swear talk like that is like nails on a chalkboard to me. I just cringe and plug my ears before the stupid can infect try to infect me.Report
I find it endlessly amusing. He’s clearly not mentally ill (well, no more than the rest of us, at least), but there’s something in his head that makes him incredibly skeptical of everything but the most outrageous explanations.Report
I blame TV, especially Soap Operas. Too many overly convoluted plots & schemes.Report
Ah, the chemtrail / contrail theory I’m familiar with is that both things exist, but there’s some way of visually telling the two apart. Though I’ve never known anyone with this theory to visually ID a regular contrail.Report
Actual Science Time:
Visually distinguishing a chemtrail from a contrail would require knowledge of the fluid/material properties of the chemical & the atmospheric conditions the aircraft in question is currently flying through.
So unless you got a weather balloon sitting along the flight path, and you know what the chemicals are, your are guessing.
However, in “Not Super Fun Time Make Believe Land”, it’s water and some other combustion products, which will sometimes condense out, and sometimes won’t.Report
I’ve never been able to pin anyone down on what they think the point of chemtrails is supposed to be. Climate manipulation? Mind control? (surely the most inefficient conceivable method of mind control chemical dispersal – let’s spray the drugs as far away as we have ever gotten from humans, short of actually rocketing them into space)Report
During the year prior to 9/11, covert agents within the maintenance department for the WTC had been replacing the paint used in strategic structural areas with a thermite-laced compound in order to accelerate any damage caused due to fire. If chemical analysis was done to the remians of the damaged structural metals, the presence of aluminum and iron oxide would not be suspect in the amounts used.Report
Laura Dowling, what a dowdy name for such a pernicious figure. You see, she knew a little too much about some of the more obscure uses of flowers (not that old Victorian Code…far more nefarious than that). And that wasn’t a problem at first, because her… sponsor, that notorious gigolo Burt Lancaster, didn’t have any agenda at all towards the President or the First Lady.
Oh, no, but there’s an ancient blood feud between the British and the Russians, dating back to the offspring of Queen Victoria… And wouldn’t you know, creme does rise to the top, even in that hopelessly unchivalric state Putin’s put Russia in.
So, right before the State Dinner, she dangled Kiwis in the arrangements. And you KNOW how the French prime minister’s latest lady is allergic to birch. Well, before you knew it, and certainly before the Secret Service could do anything about it, she was having a full scale respiratory attack, which quite ruined the entire evening.
Not to mention the French concern about an unwonted attack on senior diplomats!
http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/8027500Report
Oh, and you wouldn’t believe what she got up to with the postman!Report
Dudes!
She found Obama’s real birth certificate AND his transcripts. Both of these confirm he’s 1) not an ‘merican and 2) he never graduated.
That and she caught him doing his islamic prayers!Report
That and she caught him doing his islamic prayers!
…in the Rose Garden. In fact, she caught on when she was asked to replant part of the Rose Garden to make it point towards Mecca.Report
OK, OK, her name is Dowling, which is Anglicized Irish. What’s the Irish version of Dowling? Ní Dhúnlaing, which means “unmarried female.” Who else was an unmarried Irish female? Grace O’Malley. What was Grace O’Malley? A pirate captain. What to pirates say? “Aaarrrrgh.” Whose name begins with “Rrrrrrrr?” Romney!
Now Mitt Romney was Obama’s opponent in the 2012 election, and knew he would be running in ’12 by the time Dowling was hired, but that’s just what they want you to think so you won’t really think at all.. You have to dig deeper. What is Romney’s religion? Mormon. And where do Mormons live? Utah. And where does the name Utah originate? From the Apache “yudah,” or high. And who gets high? Stoners. And what is made of stone? The Washington monument! Bluestone gneiss, to be exact. And what does gneiss have? Layers! What else has layers? Onions! And what do onions give you? Bad breath, halitosis. And what famous person had halitosis? Vladimir Semichastny! And who was Vladimir Semichastny? The head of the KGB from 1961 to 1967.
Now is it all clear? Dowling was fired because she is the daughter of KGB illegals in the U.S. from the 70s (trained in the 60s under Semichastny), who was herself planted (planted! you see how it all just unfolds naturally once you start pealing away the layers?) in the White House after years of florist training at a secret base deep in Siberia run by a secret society of Soviet loyalists, in order to undermine the Putin regime by influencing U.S. foreign policy through color-emotion connections triggered by flowers and their containers.
We’re through the looking glass here people.Report
This is scary good, +1Report
Dowling was fired because she is the daughter of KGB illegals in the U.S. from the 70s (trained in the 60s under Semichastny), who was herself planted (planted! you see how it all just unfolds naturally once you start pealing away the layers?) in the White House after years of florist training at a secret base deep in Siberia run by a secret society of Soviet loyalists, in order to undermine the Putin regime by influencing U.S. foreign policy through color-emotion connections triggered by flowers and their containers.
That theory makes no sense. Why would the Marxist Obama Administration fire a Soviet loyalist?
Wait…are you suggesting that Obama has been swayed from communism by his love affair with Putin?Report
Obviously. I can’t believe I even need to say as much.Report
The best explanation is that she’s having an affair with the Vice President, but the West Wing already did that one (and Matt Perry is too much of a slob these days to work in the White House)
So here’s another one –
Two days (Wednesday, February 11) before Ms. Dowling was let go, the Obama administration sent to Congress its proposal for going to Iraq (again). Ms. Dowling’s husband, Robert Weinhagen, works for the Office of Legislative Council – the people that literally write the laws. So, sometime before the formal release Ms. Dowling obtained a draft copy of the administration’s ISIS plan and forwarded it to her husband for a heads up. Which is unethical and probably illegal.
But how does a East Wing florist get access to the West Wing office spaces where the work is actually done? That’s where Shawn Usman comes in. Who’s Shawn Usman? He’s the drone pilot who “crashed” his aircraft (while “drunk”) onto the White House lawn in late January – about 2 weeks before Ms. Dowling was let go, for those of you keeping track.
What else has Mr. Usman been working on? A Mini Time-Cube. The practical application of Gene Ray’s visionary work. Usman’s “drone” was able to generate a Time Square (a clean Time Square, no less) at the equidistant points of the Ellipse, creating 4 simultaneous workdays within the single work day of the White House. Ms. Dowling used this synergy to enter the National Security staff’s office during her workday, but in our perception, nighttime when no one was around.
But how was Ms. Dowling discovered? Like all good
conspiraciesstories, it involves the Jews. When Speaker Boehner invited Bibi to speak to Congress the original date was scheduled for Feb 11.But time cube technology is still a little squirrelly. Or else Ms. Downing is just educated stupid. But I’m inclined to give her the benefit of the doubt, and it’s just she didn’t realize that, while one of the work days on February 11 was the one in which Obama delivered his ISIS proposal, one of the *other* 4 simultaneous workdays was a day where Bibi *was* giving his speech to Congress. Thus the West Wing staff was split up between a ‘day’ glaring at C-Span, ignoring all Congressional calls, and the other ‘day’, communicating with Congress on something (bombing Iraq) everyone wanted and, in any case, was already happening anyway. Ms. Downing’s erstwhile plan was to replace what she had pilfered while everyone was distracted with talking to congress.
But instead, with the staff’s attention thus divided due to an artifact of the mini time cube, Ms. Downing’s attempt to replace what she had stole was foiled. She was held over for a day, then escorted out of the building on Friday. Because, obviously it’s better to fire people on a Friday.Report
I like the direction of this. It’s an actual fact (instead of just a conspiracy fact) that parts of DC were laid out in symbolic patterns.
And she just figured out the truth. The *dark* truth. Whatever that is.
This is either the start of a conspiracy theory, or possibly the plot of National Treasure 3. (Steal the Declaration of Independence, kidnap the president, the next movie is obviously, uh…illegally landscape the White House!)Report
+1 for including TimeCube.Report
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The White House head florist is gone and no one knows why
Oh, she knows. You betchyerbottomdollar she knows. And the Obamas knows she knows. All this talk about the White House’ silence is just a distraction, a politically motivated deflection from the facts designed to confuse the general public and orchestrated by enemies of the Obamas. There’s nothing to cover up here. Instead, the press should be exposing the scheming plots of individuals who demand anything more than silence from the President and First Lady. Cuz nothing needs to be said. She knows what she did.Report
Has anybody seen the florist since she was escorted off the grounds?!?! How do we even know she is alive. I say the real conspiracy is where is her body buried. Is she hanging with OBL, you know we never saw his body either!?!? It would irresponsible not to ask questions like this.Report
greginak is a plant, everyone. (Probably one of those genetically modified ones I’ve been hearing about.) Don’t believe the lies.(1)
Laura Dowling is at a FEMA camp, not dead. They just want you to think she’s dead.
1) You can tell he’s a plant, he’s still forced to push the false narrative that ‘bin Laden’ ever existed.Report
Oh yeah right….like all the people in the FEMA camps aren’t reanimated dead sworn to do Lord O’s unholy bidding. Way to show you are still taking the red pill, or is the blue pill, that FEMA camps are for the living. The florist is either the moseying dead or has already been ground up and spread across the nation by Chemtrail…..Have you seen jets flying over head today? Does is it feel like more jets than normal? There you go.Report
Oh yeah right….like all the people in the FEMA camps aren’t reanimated dead sworn to do Lord O’s unholy bidding.
I thought the FEMA camps were full of “straw man” that the government uses as collateral ever since it left the gold standard.Report
HAS OBAMA REDUCED THE WHITE HOUSE TO A DEN OF QUAALUDE SMUGGLERS?
This one goes to the very top! Our lawless “President” may have made his fatal mistake!!!!
DATELINE: WASHINGTON! On March 23, 2015, White House Florist Laura Dowling was unceremoniously terminated from her position, where she had previously served to the “pleasure” of First Lady Michele Obama since the Kenyan Couple took up residence in the White House back in 2009 (see our previous reporting in on :America: Occupied,” parts 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 14, 15, 18, and 22.) Despite the seeming innocuouity of her position Dowling was escorted out of the White House by Armed Secret Service Agents loyal to the Obamas(!) and her personal belongings rifled through by Lady MacObeth’s Chief of Staff personally. This may turn out to be the leak in the dike which proves the ultimate undoing of the Obama “Administration,” which regular readers here know is an ill-concealed criminal operation in full partnership with the Queen of England. The secrets are hidden in plain sight, for anyone with eyes to see the dots, and intelligence enough to connect them. Dowling, ostensibly part of the East Wing, in fact frequently delivered and set up floral arrangements in a variety of West Wing Offices, including but not limited to IN THE OVAL OFFICE ITSELF. In particular, I refer to the visit of several heads of state of African nations during the 2014 U.S.-Africa Leaders Summit in Washington. During this visit, BHO entertained and had private conversations with King Mswati III of Swaziland, and South African President President Jacob Gedleyihlekisa Zuma, and, of course, Kenyan President Uhuru Kenyatta. That Obama would meet with the President of his home country is unsurprising and, amazingly, Kenyatta seems to be unimplicated in the drug-smuggling operation revealed by the sudden of the florist. A review of the White House security records reveals that on August 4, less than an hour before King Mswati and President Zuma met with BHO, Dowling delivered three arrangements of flowers to decorate the Oval Office, consisting of alstroemerias, astrids, birds of paradise, and bamboo flowers. The bird of paradise flower is principally ornamented by a long, fleshy, orange petal which is unusually thick and strong and which is dry and free from either pollen or nectar within… the perfect place in which to conceal a small digital audio-recording device. Which is exactly what Dowling had placed inside one of these floral arrangements, at the behest of the DEA, who have long suspected King Mswati of using his small nation’s porous borders, corrupt police, and strategic position landlocked between known international drug portal Mozambique and the thriving trade in illegal methaqualone (known by the brand name “Quaalude” in the United States) which is the drug of choice for South African street gangs as reported by the CIA itself. That methaqualone is manufactured from Afghan opiates smuggled into India and then transmitted for sale into South Africa by way of the Mozambique port of Maputo are facts so well-known to analysts of the international drug trade as to be a commonplace. But that BHO would be so brazen about his own involvement is mind-boggling. What is not known, or at least not well-known, is how the opium gets from Afghanistan to India and how the refined drugs get from India into South Africa, other than somehow through the port of Maputo. As we have discussed in the past, since late 2009, unmarked unmanned aircraft have made numerous unregistered overflights through airspace in Afghanistan and Pakistan, airspace that is ostensibly controlled by the U.S. military and overseas intelligence assets. CIA drone strikes have taken out hundreds of targets in these areas, areas which the locals have complained are not military targets and were not in active military zones. Considerable efforts have been made to conceal the origin and destination of the drone flights, and the identity of the targets of the armed drones that have brought such terrible destruction to the villages of these remote areas. Remote areas where, it turns out, there are plentiful drug shipment corridors, remote areas which plot a rough path from Afghanistan’s southern border into the industrialized areas of India just south of the Kashmir Valley. The pieces of the puzzle fall naturally into place. Drug smugglers, operating under a claim or indeed active enrollment in the CIA, load bulk opium onto the drones. Because they are CIA drones, their flights are not tracked, the drones are not marked, and the destinations are kept classified. But THE DRONES ARE REALLY DRUG MULES flying opium from Afghanistan to a friendly contact in India. The military strikes take out the competition — handily labeled “terrorists” by a secretive White House and rogue elements within the CIA who are in on the take. Once offloaded in India’s northern provinces, the opium is refined into heroin and Quaaludes, and hidden in shipments of “consumer electronics” or “household goods” destined for export to African nations … sent to the port of Maputo in Mozambique. Ever since the U.S. and the UK involved themselves in the resolution of Mozambique’s civil war, they have kept “advisors” in Maputo to “assist” with “peacekeeping.” These taxpayer-funded “advisors” work without portfolio in the capital of this lesser-known nation, openly but out of the view and interest of the media. Our sources in Maputo confirm that these “advisors” are frequently seen near the waterfront and significant transportation venues, but also can go for days on end without appearing anywhere in public. Obviously, these “advisors” oversee the offloading of the smuggled drugs from India and getting them shipped to the next point in the chain of distribution. The evidence obtained by way of White House Florist Dowling’s SECRET BUG will reveal, our sources tell us, that this next point of distribution is within Swaziland and under the PERSONAL CONTROL of the unelected King Mswati. What other reason would BHO have to meet with both Zuma and Mswati at the same time other than to provide his minions direction about the distribution of the illegal drugs? There are few legitimate trade, security, or diplomatic issues involving the U.S. and Swaziland at all, hardly enough to warrant an in-person meeting between the President of the United States and the King of Swaziland. Their reason to meet was not official, it was part of their international drug-smuggling conspiracy: there is no other rational explanation!! It is evident, from the unceremonious, unexplained, and forceful nature of Dowling’s departure that her role as an undercover DEA agent, gathering sub rosa information about the President’s involvement and leadership role within this international drug ring was discovered. Obviously, the mastermind of this shocking abuse and corruption of governmental assets could not tolerate the presence of an informant so close, but they could not arrange for an “accident” to resolve the problem on short enough notice. Thus, her expulsion from the White House before more bugs and monitoring devices could be placed. The only link left in the chain for which there is no direct and irrefutable evidence yet are the connections in Kashmir (see our “Lizard People Drug Lords reports parts 4, 6, 7, 8, 17, and 21 regarding the Queen of England’s connections to the international drug trade, as relevant to the India-Africa connection), but we may be assured given the diligence of the DEA in placing an agent within the White House itself that it will not be long before the “Kashmiri Connection” is made and the entire scheme can be blown wide open. Indictments, seizures, and best of all impeachments will follow soon thereafter. Let us thank God that the DEA has remained uncorrupted in this wide-spread and sinister net of criminal activity, hope and trust that are protecting their agent Dowling from the sort of foul play we’ve come to expect from these low-lifes, and pray that soon the final piece of the puzzle will be revealed and our blessed Country can be restored to the rule of law.
DEVELOPING….Report
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+1, half of which is just for ‘Michele’ ObamaReport
FTR, I am aware that Quaaludes are not actually opiates. But why should that slow a conspiracy theorist down?Report
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Dammit Burt, I was crying uncle halfway through this.Report
In what is obviously a false flag operation, Obama escorted the presidential florist out of the building. What we really have going on here is the latest WHITEhouse attempt to secretly infiltrate the last holdouts of Christians in the Florist industry, and root out all opposition for the DOLOMITE sisters and the New World Order of Flower Power. This operation will be centered in Portland OR. due to its lack of fluoridation (See, See!!!) For years a subversive trope has circled the globe, that fluoride has been sapping or vital essences, but nothing could be further from the truth. What is truly sapping our essence is Flowers, specifically arranged in the tastefull manner personified by Robert Mapel(!)thorp. Despite his attempts to “whip” us into believing his photography was good for us, those of us with pure hearts could see through his SINsational pictures.
When Stanley Kubrick attempted to distract us with the obviously false tale of fluoridation sapping our essences, those of us who were not blinded by the “left” knew that Stanley had also been a photographer (in NEW YORK,) and from there the connections just fell into place. Like the lies about the “moon landing,” just too many things here are at play. One is Portland, home of the Mysterious R. (Tod) Kelly. Now, we know he says his middle name is Tod, but that is just to hide his love of WaterSports. The Watersports of de-fluoridation!
Now, my little SIN Haters, I am sure you are asking “how are florists and fluoridation connected?” As I stated above the need for devilish desperadoes to play with our emotions regarding what is healthy (and obviously PUBLIC HEALTH related) and what is not is firmly rooted in the DEATH PANALS that are now controlling the Government. This FACTION is controlled by the Lawyers Likko and Thompson, whom we all know are trying to get Judgeships on the secret flower courts, to spread their evil flower Death Panel agenda, which is to make all RIGHT thinking men and women to embrace the fiendish acts of the polygamy cult POLYPHONIC SPREE. And as we all know that this cult is led by the defrocked priest Erik Kain, who, as we all know, just assumed the 17th and final seat of the Illuminati.
Quite obvious really.Report
+2 (extra point for including the ALL CAPS and misspellings)Report
+1 for “secret flower courts.”Report
Ms. Dowling and her husband, who as @kolohe points out above is senior counsel for the House Office of Legislative Counsel, are patriotic American heroes who saved the country from the horror of betraying Likud and, ultimately, turning the reins of our government over to Ayatollah Khamenei.
Ms. Dowling was supposedly last seen leaving the White House on February 13, but the story of her departure from the White House did not break until March 23, over a month later. March 23, of course, was the same day that another major story involving a leak from the White House broke, namely that the White House had caught Israel spying on its traitorous discussions with Iran and turning the information obtained from the spying over to the White House’s enemies, namely the patriotic Republicans in the House of Representatives.
The report on the spying pointedly does not disclose how Israel had been getting the information, just as the White House refuses to explain why Ms. Dowling is nowhere to be seen and why there are dead flowers suddenly all over the White House. The White House figured that the sheeple would not connect the dots, but we free thinkers can’t be fooled: Ms. Dowling was “disappeared” after Michelle Obama, in one of her typical fits of rage against one of the lowly Caucasian White House servants, threw a vase, and a previously hidden video camera fell out.
Further investigation found similar cameras in some of the flower arrangements in the Oval Office, and President Obama ordered the florist immediately arrested by two trusted Secret Service agents, both of whom were no doubt members of the Black Panthers.
He had her waterboarded with one of the pieces of equipment that were removed from Gitmo to appease the terrorists for whom the President really works, and – since waterboarding is always effective – she was forced to disclose that she and her husband, who works for Congress, were working as spies for the Israelis and conduits between Israel and Congress to defend America against the President and that she had put the cameras in place. She also disclosed that she would turn the video and audio over to Mossad, who would then pick the juicy bits to turn over to Congress through her husband.
Only after a month of torture was this brave woman released. The Administration’s fear of the conservatives in the House is the only reason they never apprehended her patriotic husband.
The America-hating liberal media obligingly refused to report on her disappearance at the White House’s demand until she was released and the White House had gotten all of the intelligence it could from her.Report
-1, can be read to make the Israelis out to be the bad guys, and hence will never catch on on the right. Need Obama to be more obviously evil so the Israelis have a legit reason to spy on him.
Perhaps the deal he’s negotiating with Iran would turn Iraq and Afghanistan over to Iran?Report
Eh, there are leftie conspiracy theories too. E.g., the Army was going to seize control of northern Colorado and southern Wyoming for its base of operations as a prelude to GWB declaring martial law and suspending the Constitution in mid-2008.
…Which totally happened, as you’ll recall.Report
Burt, is that really a lefty conspiracy theory? (I admit that living on colorado I’ve never heard such a thing except from Alex Jones types.) Who on the left…?Report
I remember a HuffPo article from the mid-to-late late aughts about a bust being made for GWB that left the end blank (like George W Bush, 2001- ) and this was indicative of the fact that he would not step down after two terms because Bush.
Didnt rise to the level of conspiracy, but dear lord…Report
@stillwater , it’s real rather than a conspiracy, but look into the Army’s plans to use eminent domain to take large parts of southeastern Colorado to expand the Piñon Canyon Maneuver Site. IIRC, they were talking about an area about the size of Massachusetts…Report
Colorado Detention Camps for the immanent Freedom Revolution… I’ve heard about those.
Hey, if it’s real, it ain’t no conspiracy theory!Report
Colorado concentration camps. Someone beat us to it.Report
Eh, there are leftie conspiracy theories too. E.g., the Army was going to seize control of northern Colorado and southern Wyoming for its base of operations as a prelude to GWB declaring martial law and suspending the Constitution in mid-2008.
…? The Army already *has* bases of operations. They are called, let me look up the technical term here… ‘Army bases’.
Also, and I hate to have to point this out, the military already owns like a *4500* square miles that is only about *500* miles from northern Colorado and southern Wyoming that it completely controls and is utterly classified, aka, Area 51 and the Nevada Test and Training Range it’s a part of. Northern Colorado/southern Wyoming is exactly where they *don’t* need another giant secret base if the point is to control the US population!
At this rate, the military will soon have more people out there than *actual residents*, and be able to successfully control *the middle of nowhere*.
Conspiracy theories are so stupid.Report
Thing is, the Israelis spying on Obama and turning the info over to Congress actually did happen, and I actually did see articles on the Right yesterday applauding them for what they did while also complaining about Obama’s anger. E.g., http://spectator.org/blog/62162/i-hope-israel-spied-iran-nuclear-talks
If I had just left it at “this hero was the one who leaked the Iran talks to the Israelis and was discovered in a fit of rage by Michelle Obama,” it totally would be something that could catch on in large segments of the Right. The waterboarding and being released part of it is what gives it away completely. It’d be a lot more plausible if I’d left that part out.Report
At this point, we probably should try to figure out exactly what specific *type* of conspiracy theory we’re aiming for.
@aaron-david and @kolohe just did great crazy rant conspiracies, @aaron-david doing the ‘crazy capital letters berating the reader’, and @kolohe going for ‘random irrelevant links’. But the problem is that the ‘crazy rant’ almost never catches on outside of the craz-o-sphere.
@mark-thompson and @burt-likko , OTOH, just did awesome parodies of political conspiracies. (And @chris , I suspect, just channeled Glenn Beck.) Both of them working off the idea that she was actually a spy.
I think those sorts of things have a much better chance of actually ‘working’, as in, getting someone to start repeating them.Report
I was going to do the ENTIRE COMMENT in ALL CAPS but figured that would be a little bit too hard on the eye to actually read.Report
Yeah, it was already pretty hard to read as one paragraph.
To make the links really work, though, they’d have to be insane places like inforwars and whatnot, not the actual White House or CIA factbook. Although, ugh, who wants to read infowars to find appropriate links?
Also, it needs more references to blatantly untrue things that (Because they are part of some previous conspiracy theory) are just referenced as if they’re true. Like Obama’s well-documented human smuggling connections.Report
Hmmmm. So Aaron, Burt, Mark, Kolohe and Chris are all part of the conspiracy.
I like that!Report
@stillwater
“Hmmmm. So Aaron, Burt, Mark, Kolohe and Chris are all part of the conspiracy.
I like that!”
And you know with names like ours, it’s Jewish conspiracy!Report
A good Alex Jones conspiracy would be good here. It would require the following, to be authentic:
1.) Claiming to have documents obtained through unnamed sources that prove the conspiracy.
2.) Trying to sell something related to whatever fear the conspiracy is meant to elicit. (E.g., perhaps she was fired because the flowers were all dying because the water she used to water them was from a demonstration of the new water-borne mind control substance, which just happens to kill certain kinds of flowers. Then do a commercial about your brand of water purifying tablets, 100% guaranteed to remove mind-control drugs from water.)
3.) FEMA!!!!!!!
4.) Figure out which recent overt government action was meant to distract you from the conspiracy.
5.) Howl. No, actually howl.Report
6. Mention the UN’s desire for One World Government.
7. Mention One World Currency.
8. Mention how buying AJ Approved water purifying tablets are the anti-dote to a UN One World Government Currency…Report
I dunno how I forgot the currency stuff.Report
Well, Enquirer style would be a simple claim of an affair with Obama, and a dramatic “She goes or I go!” moment from the First Lady.
But we all know that’s not true. Obama didn’t seduce her.
Bill Clinton did. To sandbag Hillary’s chances of becoming President, because he doesn’t want to be the ‘First Man’. So he’s been sneaking into the White House, and banging the help waiting for another blue dress moment.
But unfortunately Hillary found out before anyone went to the press, and threatened to use network of thugs and killers to “eliminate” the florist unless she resigned (that’s why she won’t release her emails. It’s all in there — the killers, Bill’s hatred of the idea of returning to the White House but not being in charge, the infidelity, EVERYTHING).
Seriously, do you know how many people have been leaving the White House? Half of them left because they slept with Bill.Report
Dude gets around. Not bad for a guy who is now officially a senior citizen.Report
What I want to know, Where is Kimmie? Or did we just find out her real name!Report
+1Report