Enter the Commenter Conspiracy Theory Contest: Say It with Flowers Edition
Here’s a thing I keep running into at political news sites:
“Staffers are abuzz about the abrupt exit of the White House’s chief florist last month, the Washington Post reported Monday.
Laura Dowling joined the residence staff in 2009 after proving her prowess in a reality TV-style floral arranging competition, according to the report.
But Dowling was escorted from the White House on Feb. 13, an anonymous source in touch with current residence staffers told the newspaper.”
I encourage you to read the whole thing, because… well, no actually I don’t, because it’s a stupid dumb-ass story that doesn’t get any less boring the more you read about it. People who are terminated being escorted out of the office is pretty common, and is usually a way of saying “we just want to make sure you don’t vandalize or take something on the way out.” Sometimes it’s entirely justified, sometimes it’s a dick move, and sometimes it’s just company policy.
Still, in the 24-hour news cycle cluster**k of today I think we all know that there will inevitably be some conspiracy theory that a third of the country is talking about a week from now that centers on this decorative centerpiece of a story. And I’m thinking that there’s no reason that ground zero for that conspiracy theory can’t be right here, at Ordinary Times.
And so I announce our first ever Conspiracy Theory Contest.
Here are the rules:
- You must come up with a conspiracy theory that describes the real, hidden, and nefarious reason(s) why the White House florist was terminated.
- All commenters will be encouraged to “Plus One” or “Minus One” on other commenters’ entries, and to either expand upon them, crap upon them, or debunk them. This will go into the judges’ evaluation of each theory.
- In addition to commenter feedback, entries will be judged on both creativity and the degree to which the judges can picture it actually catching on in the world at large. The judges reserve the right to award points for style, use of the phrase “mole people,” or really anything else we damn well please.
- On Thursday evening we will announce a winner, and by next week we will hope to have a full post on the theory that we will attempt to tweet out with a unique conspiracy-theory hashtag to talk radio show hosts, known conspiracy theorists, and the world at large in an attempt to see if we can make the theory stick.
Here is what you could win:
If your conspiracy theory is chosen, you could win your choice of one of four valuable prizes:
- Ability to ask any of the judges to write a guest post on a topic of your choice, as well as the ability to change my gravatar to any non-offensive image you like!
- A $20 gift certificate to new and used book store Powells.com!
- A night out of beer and whiskey tasting, to be cashed in whenever you are in my hometown or I am in yours!
- A Lando Calriscian action figure, still in original packaging, that I won last year at a trivia contest at a bar whose name I can’t remember!
The contest begins… now!