I talk with Mayonnaise quite a bit. Well, I talk to him. And getting even more precise, I sing to him. For whatever reason, I’ve adopted a Randy Newman-esque, sing-whatever-I-would-normaly-say for a good amount of our interactions. Can’t explain it, but it’s what I do and he enjoys it. I’m secretly afraid that he’ll mistake my godawful voice for the way singing is supposed to sound and will end up on American Idol’s gag reel one day but, well, dem’s da breaks.
He has recently reached the stage where he enjoys diaper changes… or at least the part that involves his penis being stimulated. Which happens, I guess. I mean, that’s how our bodies work, right? Well, during one diaper change, he made a BIG fuss, as if something was really wrong, only to begin immediately smiling and cooing as I cleaned around his penis. “You little goof. You just tricked me into playing with your penis!” I thought. Which led to me singing… about how it was okay to enjoy having your penis played with but it was certainly not okay to trick people into doing so… and that when he’s older (MUCH older), he is free to pursue penis play with whomever he likes… but he absolutely must not trick them into it… or god forbid, force them into it!
Hey, I never said I was a GOOD dad. But I’m doing the best I can.
As I closed up his diaper, I realized I sort of just had the “Don’t be that guy” talk with him. At 4 months old. Which is probably too early. But, hey, should he one day find himself about to do something he shouldn’t with his penis and an image flashes through his mind of a younger, bearded version of his father singing about not tricking or forcing people into playing with his penis… mission accomplished.
Alright… I’ve bared my soul of an absurd parenting story. What do YOU all got?
Ahh, a young mans discovery of his penis, the friendship/obsession that spans a lifetime!
The other night my little guy stood up in the bath tub & started smacking himself hard on the penis while laughing.
I don’t even want to know what kind of kink that foreshadows…Report
sniff…sniff….sweet story…..brings a tear to my eye….sniffReport
As long as the only thing you are baring is your soul everything should be okay.Report
One of the funnier jokes from the new Arrested Development season:
“The Hopi Indians believed that this spot here, when manipulated, can create sexual feeling.”
“That’s my penis.”
“Well, you don’t have to tell me.”Report
Wow. I have three girls, so…I didn’t ever think about this kind of thing. Thank god for daughters.Report
Yeah, though there’s a certain awkwardness to being a man and suddenly have to approach vaginas in a completely different manner than ever before. (“Clancy, how exactly do I wipe this without hurting her. It seems like that would hurt…”)Report
The important difference is that girls can’t reward you for changing them by peeing in your face.Report
But with boys, you only have to worry about one penis. With girls, you have to worry about ALL the penises.Report
This got a belly laugh.Report
Your son’s future therapist’s daughter’s orthodontist thanks you for seeing to it that his bills will be paid.Report
I’m perplexed by how to teach Alice how to hold herself when peeing such that it doesn’t splatter. I know how she’s supposed to do it–I remember seeing female relatives do it from when I was very young–but I don’t know how to describe it to her, and I obviously can’t show her with my parts.
There. Soul bared.Report