The League

Announcing the Commenter Conspiracy Theory Contest Winner!

by Tod Kelly · March 27, 2015

Fist things first: I want to thank everyone who participated in the week’s Conspiracy Theory Contest. All of the entries and comments on entries were really super space awesome.

In fact, I think pretty much everyone who played got bonus points for at least one thing. Kolohe got points for having actual links to back up his theory. Chris got bonus points for a narrative that I couldn’t not hear being spoken with Glenn Beck’s voice. Oscar Gordon got one point for making me laugh out loud. Citizen gets the Best Use of the Word “Weaponized” I Have Ever Read Award, while Kim walked away with the Fake Conspiracy Theory Most Likely To Be Mistaken for a Commenter’s Actual Comment Award. I know I’m leaving a lot of people out, but that’s simply because everyone nailed it. If you haven’t already, I encourage you to go read the whole thread.

My one, single surprise: No one tied a conspiracy theory about a florist with why the bees are disappearing.

In the end it was very close, with but one point in the judges totally arbitrary and in no way scientific grading system separating the winner and the two entries tied for runner up.

Runners Up: DavidTC, Burt Likko (tie)

David almost won the whole thing just on his opening line, “‘Escorted from the grounds’, yeah, right.” He scored additional bonus points for the inclusion of the WTO, the WTC, the Lincoln assassination, and using the phrase “false flag.”

I don’t know what to say about Burt’s, except that I’m pretty sure you could copy and paste it on World Net Daily’s site and no one would notice. (Burt also got bonus points for not using the paragraph break.)

Winner: aaron david

How, you might ask, did aaron david squeak by such a strong field of contenders? Was it his odd and indiscriminate use of ALLCAPS? Was it his use of fluoride and Stanley Kubrick? Was it the reference to the secret flower courts? Was it his clear, obvious, and over-the-top pandering to the judges by including the names R. (Tod) Kelly and Erik Kain?

The truth is that it was all those things. But mostly it was this line:

“What is truly sapping our essence is Flowers, specifically arranged in the tastefull manner personified by Robert Mapel(!)thorp.”

aaron david can let me know by email of the comments section which of the lovely prizes he chooses.

We will have some more of these contests in the future, and on April 1 I will be posting an edited and modified version of aaron david’s entry.

In the meantime, if anyone has a suggestion for a catchy hashtag to go with the April 1 post, feel free to leave it in the comments section below.

Tod Kelly

Tod is a writer from the Pacific Northwest. He is also serves as Executive Producer and host of both the 7 Deadly Sins Show at Portland's historic Mission Theatre and 7DS: Pants On Fire! at the White Eagle Hotel & Saloon. He is a regular inactive for Marie Claire International and the Daily Beast, and is currently writing a book on the sudden rise of exorcisms in the United States. Follow him on Twitter.

aaron david says:

March 27, 2015 at 11:47 am

Thank you! I am glad you enjoyed the church lady reference.

Email has been sent, with my nefarious demands.Report
- Burt Likko in reply to aaron david says:
  
  March 27, 2015 at 12:12 pm
  
  I really liked the “secret flower courts” and the “DEATH PANALS”. A tip o’ the hat — well done indeed, sir.Report
- Oscar Gordon in reply to aaron david says:
  
  March 27, 2015 at 1:59 pm
  
  A well earned victory, congrats Aaron!Report
Chris says:

March 27, 2015 at 12:21 pm

Well done Aaron, well done. Your ability to channel crazy is… disturbing. 😉

Though I must say, the WroldNetDaily reference reminds me of their WNV conspiracy, and that makes me believe that perhaps we all failed at this contest:

Some national security sources – as well as health professionals – believe Saddam Hussein weaponized those samples and sent them back to the United States, via his ally Fidel Castro in Cuba, in revenge for his defeat in the Persian Gulf War and the decade-long sanctions imposed on his country by the U.S.

That would be enough, by itself, except that WND was not satisfied with merely suggesting an international conspiracy in which weaponized West Nile Virus was given to Cuba by Iraq and then delivered to the U.S. (via defectors?). To make it truly terrifying, we have to be the ones who gave the Iraqis the virus in the first place:

The Centers for Disease Control gave samples of West Nile virus – among other deadly biological agents – to Saddam Hussein’s Iraq in the 1980s.

Which gets us gems like this:

While some American intelligence sources are still suspicious about claims that Saddam Hussein had an active chemical and biological weapons program, others believe he unleashed that program on the U.S. in the form of West Nile virus.

They even have a bug expert:

One entomology expert who maintains an open mind on the West Nile outbreak, Dr. Jonathan F. Day of the University of Florida, said: “The sporadic appearance of WNV is disturbing, especially its appearance in the Florida Keys. It really appears that WN has been seeded throughout the eastern half of the United States. I guess the question is, by whom?”

(Emphasis added.)

We could have just added “flowers” to this, and it would have won easily.Report
Oscar Gordon says:

March 27, 2015 at 2:00 pm

I’m almost afraid to ask what I wrote that caused Tod to laugh.Report