Announcing the Commenter Conspiracy Theory Contest Winner!
Fist things first: I want to thank everyone who participated in the week’s Conspiracy Theory Contest. All of the entries and comments on entries were really super space awesome.
In fact, I think pretty much everyone who played got bonus points for at least one thing. Kolohe got points for having actual links to back up his theory. Chris got bonus points for a narrative that I couldn’t not hear being spoken with Glenn Beck’s voice. Oscar Gordon got one point for making me laugh out loud. Citizen gets the Best Use of the Word “Weaponized” I Have Ever Read Award, while Kim walked away with the Fake Conspiracy Theory Most Likely To Be Mistaken for a Commenter’s Actual Comment Award. I know I’m leaving a lot of people out, but that’s simply because everyone nailed it. If you haven’t already, I encourage you to go read the whole thread.
My one, single surprise: No one tied a conspiracy theory about a florist with why the bees are disappearing.
In the end it was very close, with but one point in the judges totally arbitrary and in no way scientific grading system separating the winner and the two entries tied for runner up.
David almost won the whole thing just on his opening line, “‘Escorted from the grounds’, yeah, right.” He scored additional bonus points for the inclusion of the WTO, the WTC, the Lincoln assassination, and using the phrase “false flag.”
I don’t know what to say about Burt’s, except that I’m pretty sure you could copy and paste it on World Net Daily’s site and no one would notice. (Burt also got bonus points for not using the paragraph break.)
Winner: aaron david
How, you might ask, did aaron david squeak by such a strong field of contenders? Was it his odd and indiscriminate use of ALLCAPS? Was it his use of fluoride and Stanley Kubrick? Was it the reference to the secret flower courts? Was it his clear, obvious, and over-the-top pandering to the judges by including the names R. (Tod) Kelly and Erik Kain?
The truth is that it was all those things. But mostly it was this line:
“What is truly sapping our essence is Flowers, specifically arranged in the tastefull manner personified by Robert Mapel(!)thorp.”
aaron david can let me know by email of the comments section which of the lovely prizes he chooses.
We will have some more of these contests in the future, and on April 1 I will be posting an edited and modified version of aaron david’s entry.
In the meantime, if anyone has a suggestion for a catchy hashtag to go with the April 1 post, feel free to leave it in the comments section below.