Believe It or Not
I am married. My wife and I have a son. He is six months old. I have a job. My wife has a job. We both work full time.
I am telling you these things because, apparently, I have to.
Recently, we’ve had to have some professionals come into our home to engage in some projects. I scheduled an initial meeting with each of these professionals for a weekday evening. This allowed my wife and I to both attend. During these meetings, the professionals met our son. During follow up conversations to schedule future meetings, each of the professionals said, “Just let me know what days work for your wife. I know she’s home with the baby so want to come at a time that works for her.”
No. She’s not home with the baby. Whatever gave you that impression? Is it because she is a woman? A mother? Of a young child? Is that where she is supposed to be? Because that is not where we feel she is supposed to be. She and I have decided that she is supposed to be at work, where she can pursue her professional goals and interests and help provide for our family in the manner we best see fit.
So, no, I won’t let you know what days work for my wife because there are no days that work for my wife. Just as there are no days that work for me. There are evenings that work for us both, as is typically the case for people who have full-time day jobs. So, please do not assume that might wife is or ought to be home with the baby. She is not and ought not. Not unless that is what she wants and decides for herself.
And the strangest part of it all? Both professionals were women. Working women. Working women who spend their daytime hours doing something other than staying home with children. Go figure.
I’d guess that they’re generalizing from their experience with previous clients (as opposed to their own situations.) And since they’re trying to be helpful, I’d cut them some slack.Report
It’s possible. What makes it really stand out is that despite me saying, “Well, my wife works, so it needs to be an evening,” they make the same mistake again. So, yea, it might be their canned approach to making appointments. But it is a poor one.
This is probably somewhat indicative of the area I live in and is among the reasons we are looking to get out. We do not want to be in a place where the expectation is that women stay home with the children.Report
many women work part time when they have small children. Not that assuming this is a good thing, it’s very likely to offend.Report
Sure. And some women stay home. I respect whatever choice a woman makes and will defer to her judgement about what is best for her and her family. I’m sure there are families where the women stay home with the children and handle appointments accordingly. And power to them. Ours is not one. And the assumption of such is annoying. And insulting and aggravating to my wife, who does struggle with her decision and doesn’t need people contributing to her second-guessing it (which she does get explicitly from some people, mind you).Report
Stuff like this drives me crazy, Kazzy.
Women can be the worst offenders when it comes to other women and the complexities of life. But what you’re hearing is probably more subtle: their experience is that when someone needs to take time off from work to deal with stuff, it’s her. It’s part of the Mommy Track.Report
The strange thing is, on these and most other tasks, I am the primary point of contact for our family (my wife hates talking to people on the phone so those duties typically fall to me). It is okay for me to say, “I’ll check with my wife about scheduling and get back to you.” It is also okay for me to say, “I’m going to schedule a time with you without checking with my wife.” It is okay for me to proceed in whatever manner my wife and I agree is the way we want to proceed. Sometimes that means me running the show, sometimes her, sometimes a collaborative effort. What isn’t okay is for someone else to to say to me, “Make sure you check with your wife.” Nope. Sorry. Not your concern. And I’d be similarly bothered if the mechanic or anyone else said to her, “Don’t you want to talk to your husband first?” Nope. If I needed to be involved in the process, we would secure that. If I ain’t involved, assume her and I are fine with that.
Is this really that difficult? Oi…Report
Indeed. Oi.
It’s part and parcel of that healthy dose of feminism I encourage men to grasp hold of for their own benefit.
I rejoice you’re out here, doing your share of the heavy lifting, @kazzy.Report
And it is great you point that out.
While I won’t say that the harm done to men by feminism is on par with the harm done to women*, it is important to note when sexism is universally harmful. Not only does this mindset harm Zazzy for all the reasons mentioned, but it also serves to diminish my own capability.
* Of course, there are also ways that men benefit from sexism, namely by excluding women from certain situations and reserving those benefits for themselves.Report
@kazzy, when I say men should embrace feminism, I mean that they should embrace the things traditionally feminine and unmanly that make lives better. Cooking, child care, cleaning, taking your kids to the restroom while out in a public place.
You and Will Truman are heros in my book; you see that you have the right to stay home and meet with the realtor or care for the newborn every bit as much as your wives have the right to have high-powered careers.
So many of the things considered womanly are wonderful, and the gender of the person embracing that thing is of absolutely no matter. Mostly, this is a thing that men put on themselves; but when women reinforce it (as these professionals did) it’s also sad.Report
Oh, yes yes indeed…
And I should go back and edit that last comment. I did not mean to speak of the harm done by feminism; I meant the harm done by sexism. Eash!
I tend not to see things as being the man’s duty or the woman’s duty. There are things that need to be done and two people to do them and we need to find a way for the two of us to get the things that need doing done. Sometimes, Zazzy will fall back on stereotypes and say, “Well, of course the yardwork is your job.” And I’ll say, “Oh, so that means I don’t have to cook any more*? You’ll take that over?” And she realizes that binding ourselves by traditional gender norms ultimately harms us both.
I also make clear that if and when I ask her to perform a certain task, it is not because of her gender. “Oh, you want me to give him a bath because that’s women’s work?” “No, I want you to give him a bath because I’m elbow deep in the sink trying to unclog a drain. I’d be happy to swap jobs with you.” “Off to the bath!”
However, I love the way you frame it. These aren’t simply chores to be done. There is much wonder and enjoyment that can be derived from these tasks and activities. For everyone.Report
What were these professionals doing?
I’d be tempted to read it as “we can get more done if the man isn’t there” (in terms of putting jingle in their pockets).Report
One was a realtor to sell the house. The other was repairing a TV and scheduling time to pick it up and drop it off. I don’t imagine either of those are seen as tasks that are done more efficiently without a man in the picture.Report
The first one depends highly on whether you know what a decent price is, already, and know how much you can afford to lose on the investment (or, if not lose, at least what price you can accept).
Most folks don’t know that, and thus are likely to sign up with whichever realtor will tell them their house is worth the most.Report