Five Stuck-Up Coastal States That Aren’t All That (And The Five Coolest States You’ve Never Heard Of)!

The five most stuck up states that aren’t all that:

5. Maryland – “Ooooh, look at us, we ‘educate’ our ‘children’ with the best schools in the country!” Oh yeah, THE WIRE! So there.

4. Rhode Island – “Ooooh, look at us, we’re a state and everything!” At least the sparsely-populated western states can point to geography as a rationale for its existence. Rhode Island is smaller than my county. Besides, any state with the word “Plantation” in its official name should be more humble.

3. Oregon – “Ooooh, look at us, we recycle. We’re so hip!” Have you ever been to Baker City? Go there and check back with me.

2. Massachusetts – “Ooooh, we deliver health care to our citizenry!” Oh yeah? Well your taxes are high, Taxachusetts!

1. California. Need I say more?

The five coolest states you’ve never heard of:

5. Colorado – Well, maybe you’ve heard of Denver or Boulder, but there is a whole other state out there. Greeley is the cattle-kill capital of the world and who doesn’t want the lofty smell of dead cow in the morning? Right-thinking people pronounce it Call-oh-raw-do, but the locals pronounce it Call-oh-rad-oh. It’s like they have bones in their noses. Very exotic!

4. Oklahoma – Pronounced Oh-claw-home-ah. The cock-fighting capital of the country! Nothing says “cool” like roosters pecking one another to death. Also, they locals are big into “noodling” which is the catching of fish with your bare hands. It’s like crocodile hunter, without the crocodiles!

3. Idaho – Pronounced Eye-dah-hoe. Idaho is one of the most diverse states in the country. In the eastern part, you have white-bread Mormons. In the northern part, you have white-bread paranoids. In the southeastern part, you have the most bland, white-bread mid-sized city in the country. In Blackfoot is the World Potato Museum, which has to be seen to be believed. Mormons don’t drink, but that Eastern Idaho makes some of the best potato-based vodka in the country is of great, great comfort to its minority non-Mormon population.

2. Utah – Pronounced You-Taw. This isn’t known by many, but Utah has the most impressive intelligence community in the country. They walk the streets in white shirts with black name tags. Also, they ride bikes. If you stay there for any prolonged period of time, their allies in the neighborhood will let them know who you are and that you need to be saved. With Utah, it’s like you are leaving the USA, and you don’t even need a passport!

1. Montana – Cows outnumber people in Montana by about a two-to-one ratio. A visit to Helena will display a bunch of animal rights advocates from Missoula demanding this majority-population be given the right to vote. Montana is a competitive state between Republicans and Democrats and the legislature meets only every other year, so don’t expect action on this until they figure out whether the cows would vote Republican or Democrat. Montana is known for not having speed limits, and you can meet the local law enforcement officers, help fund the state government and its cow-vote discussion, and find out that there are in fact speed limits all at the same time!