…Or at least that’s the takeaway I get from this remarkably idiotic attempt by Marc Thiessen to paint soccer as “socialist” because France.* I realize this is somewhat tongue-in-cheek, but this isn’t even good satire, nothing but a mailed-in rehash of decades-old anti-soccer talking points. Of course, if he actually knew a damn thing about soccer as it’s actually played, he’d have little choice but to conclude that it is the most capitalistic sport known to man, if for some reason you think that sports can actually be classified on the political spectrum, which is itself idiotic.* So let’s look at Thiessen’s tired-ass charges and recast them:
1. “Soccer is the only sport in the world where you cannot use the one tool that distinguishes man from beast: opposable thumbs. “No hands” is a rule only a European statist could love.”
This is, of course, factually wrong – apparently Thiessen has never heard of Takraw. Beyond that, what’s the more socialist sport? The one that has only a handful of easily understood rules and gives no free handouts to make it easier to achieve your goals, or the sport with a mountain of rules and gives you all sorts of free tools to make it easier to score? If “no hands is a rule only a European statist could love,” then I wonder what a statist would think of “no breathing on the quarterback,” “no touching the fragile wide receiver more than five yards from the line of scrimmage,” “no touching the ball at all if you you’re obese unless it’s first touched by a player with a healthy diet,” etc.? Not to mention “no hurting your opponents’ feelings by celebrating when you score”?
2. “Soccer is also the only sport in the world that has “hooligans”—proletarian mobs that trash private property whenever their team loses.”
This kind of overstates things a bit, doesn’t it? While nowhere near the problem it is in soccer, it’s not as if fans of football, baseball, hockey, and basketball are completely averse to violence and destruction of private property. I have a hard time recalling any professional sporting events I’ve attended where there weren’t, at a minimum, some fisticuffs involved at some point. And, of course, our version of hooligans also has a penchant for attacking private property – just whenever their team wins.
3. “Soccer is collectivist. At this year’s World Cup, the French national team actually went on strike in the middle of the tournament on the eve of an elimination match.”
Because if we’ve learned anything over the years, it’s that France is emblematic of every thing we dislike and is beloved by every unenlightened country in the world. While Thiessen acknowledges that, yes, American sports leagues have seen their share of strikes, I wonder if Thiessen knows the number of strikes that have occurred in the English Premier League (and its predecessor, The Football League) in its 122 year history? (Answer: 0, so far as I can discern). Also….France refused to practice for a day; Major League Baseball cancelled the World Series and the NHL cancelled an entire season.
4. “At the youth level, soccer teams don’t even keep score and everyone gets a participation trophy.”
Dude. Participation trophies aren’t exactly unique to soccer in this country. And, at least around these parts, we start keeping score in soccer at a younger age than we do in baseball. And whatever problems there are with the European “Youth Academy” system, they sure as hell don’t include an overemphasis on “fairness” and “participation trophies.” Our sports have rules that say you can’t sign with a team unless you’ve had at least a year of college; European soccer leagues say you can sign with a team (all of which are privately owned and operated) when you’re 8, maybe even younger.
5. “Capitalist sports are exciting—people often hit each other, sometimes even score. Soccer fans are excited by an egalitarian 0-0 tie. When soccer powerhouses Brazil and Portugal met recently at the World Cup, they played for 90 minutes—and combined got just eight shots on net (and zero goals). Contrast this with the most exciting sports moment last week, which came not at the World Cup, but at Wimbledon, when American John Isner won in a fifth-set victory that went 70-68. Yes, even tennis is more exciting than soccer. Like an overcast day in East Berlin, soccer is … boring.”
Ugh. To quote El Duderino: “Yeah, well, you know, that’s just, like, your opinion, man.” Seriously, though – no one like 0-0 draws with virtually no scoring, and both teams got roundly (and deservedly) attacked for how they approached that game, which was as two teams would approach a truly meaningless game (which it was, since both teams had already secured advancement). Choosing that game is like choosing a Week 17 Colts game as an example of how truly boring American football is. As for John Isner’s victory being the most exciting moment in sports last week, well, it would seem there are a few million Americans who would disagree:
Let me close with these thoughts, though:
- The NFL, NHL, and NBA have salary caps (well maybe not the NFL this year) and baseball has a luxury tax. All of them have a “revenue-sharing” scheme to make sure the less wealthy teams get a cut of the income earned by the wealthiest teams. What could possibly be more socialist than that? European soccer clubs, on the other hand, literally buy, loan, and sell players on the open market for straight up cash, without a salary cap to get in the way. What could possibly be more capitalist than that?
- For all the talk about how soccer strives for “fairness” and “egalitarianism,” it is the American sports that have made it their avowed mission to encourage parity. Meanwhile, only three clubs have won the English Premier League title in the last 15 years and only five have won the La Liga title in the last 20. And let’s not get started on the World Cup, which has only been won by 7 different countries, with two countries (Italy and Brazil) accounting for half of those titles.
- Soccer is harsh in much the way that capitalism is harsh. Goals, more often than not, require an immense amount of trial and error, hard work, skill, and creativity. Even then, a bad bounce or a diving save can keep the ball from going in the net. But you have to immediately pick up the pieces and keep playing, keep pushing for that goal. If you can’t do that, you will lose. Even against a vastly inferior opponent, you can rarely expect that you will be able to get on the scoreboard with a mediocre performance.
*Although, to be fair, Thiessen is responding in part to this remarkably weak Sally Jenkins column bemoaning the lack of outrage in the US over our loss to Ghana. Of course, Thiessen accepts as true every single false assumption Jenkins makes, which doesn’t help matters.
** Seriously – if you don’t like a sport, just don’t watch it. Is it really necessary to turn every single thing in the world into some sort of a political litmus test? And if you really do think a sport is that much of a threat to all that is good in the world, then shouldn’t you at least have the courtesy to learn enough about it to provide an actually cogent criticism?
“Contrast this with the most exciting sports moment last week, which came not at the World Cup, but at Wimbledon, when American John Isner won in a fifth-set victory that went 70-68.”
I am pretty sure that Thiessen is mistaking “bizarre” for “exciting.” Or maybe he just gets totally absorbed in watching pros who can’t return their opponents’ serves.
Though I enjoyed this post, I also hope we don’t have to spend any more time trying to classify sports politically.Report
@William Brafford, I hear ya. Part of the point of this post was to demonstrate the absurdity of doing that and to show just how easy it is to make a sport fit whatever political narrative one wants. Of course, that effort may be entirely self-defeating.Report
The restaurant where I work, usually calm, even during the Superbowl, exploded when Donovan put that in the net. People I didn’t even know gave me hugs and high fives. It was on lips of every table i visited that day.
I don’t know a single person has been following Wimbledon.Report
@Matt Kuznicki, my office is following Wimbledon, but the Donovan goal was the biggest thing we got excited about last week.Report
Yeah, it was a less than impressive column. Honestly I’d never heard of takraw, but who hasn’t heard of hacky sack, aka footbag?Report
@Jason Kuznicki,
At least it didn’t defend torture. Stupid has to be a few notches above reprehensible.
And the hands aren’t used much in running or jumping events, either (pole-vaulting aside).Report
@Jason Kuznicki,
Thiessen’s wrong in another way. The goalie is allowed to hold the ball in soccer.
If he tried to get around that by claiming that most players are banned from gripping the ball most of the time, then add volleyball to the list. Along with swimming, diving, many gymnastics events, and ice skating, in all of which there isn’t even anything to grip.Report
This piece is worth discussing because it reflects two tendencies of the conservative mind today. The first is the apparent conviction that the only way to express love for one’s country is to insist it is unlike any other in every detail. The second is the tendency to frame every issue as a winner-take-all cultural battle between fundamentally opposed worldviews.Report
@Matthew Schmitz, That’s the other thing of course. When did conservatives become the side that has to find the political angle in everything?Report
@Mark Thompson,
The earliest example I can recall is _None Dare Call it Treason_, which was published in 1964. It considered things like accurate translations of the Bible [1] to be evidence of a pervasive Marxist conspiracy. Of course, in those days it was obvious nutjobbery; today it would be mainstream right-wing punditry.
1. Translating “almah” in Isaiah 7:14 as “young woman” rather than “virgin”.Report
@Mark Thompson,
I don’t know but by the time I was 10 it had already happened. So it has to be sometime before or during 1991.Report
The youth-participation-trophy-as-downfall-of-Western-Civilization meme is one of those George Will-inspired ideas that just will not die the quick and painless death it deserves. Not o ruffle too many feathers, but the fact that it comes generally from the right and is clearly concerned with the problem of maintaining a minimum acceptable level of pain in the lives of children does tend to reinforce a certain Yglesian critique of modern Conservatism…;)Report
@Michael Drew,
It was quite funny in “Meet the Fokkers”, though.
Dustin Hoffman: And here are some of the prizes my son won when he was young.
Robert DeNiro (sarcastically): I didn’t know they gave trophies for 7th place.
Hoffman (perfectly sincere): Sure, they give trophies down to 10th place.Report
Mark: “Seriously – if you don’t like a sport, just don’t watch it. Is it really necessary to turn every single thing in the world into some sort of a political litmus test? ”
What was Thiessen’s last job? Acording to Wikipedia, “Marc A. Thiessen (born 1967) is an American author, columnist and political commentator, who served as a speechwriter for United States President George W. Bush (2004–2009) and Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld (2001–2004). ”
So he was speechwriter to the worst SecDef in a few decades, and then to the worst president since Nixon. I’d say that expecting anything worth anything from him was expecting too much.Report
Thiessen has obviously never been to a Philadelphia Eagels or Flyers game! Talk about hooligans. How many Euro stadiums have jails and courts?Report
@Steve,
Two words. Oakland Raiders.Report
Jokes about Philadelphia aside, Marc is right about soccer hooligans, and it’s actually a much more profound issue than Marc lets on. There’s a lot of male energy and no real responsibilities so it has to get let off somewhere.Report
Of, for Christ’s sake!
Let’s take NHL. It’s effectively a cartel. Balsillie tried to buy a few teams; he gets bummed by another owners. No matter how hard you try, other guys will have a say in whether they wanna play with you; maybe, you’re just too good and you’ll effectively threaten their monopoly. There are drafts and draft picks, that are traded. There are salary caps.
Take European soccer: there’s a market for players. Literally any team can win major European cups; this year, for example, Russia will send a team from Novosibirsk to play in Europe League that’s not even a member of premier division (they won the cup). There are competing clubs in the same city (a rarity in US).
I think this example shows the true face of US Conservative party as it exists today: it’s not about maintaining competition in the market. It’s about the right of monopolies to run the market how they see fit without anyone being able to do anything about it. Sports leagues in the US are the perfect example; if hockey was capitalist, there’d be no team in Phoenix and a few more in Canada.Report
“. . . this remarkably idiotic attempt by Marc Thiessen to paint soccer as ‘socialist'”
In Thiessen’s defense, he is genuinely an idiot.Report
You missed 3 obvious opportunities to display Thiessen’s idiocy.
1) In soccer the poorly performing teams get demoted to a lower league. There are no perpetual bottom feeders, like the Pittsburgh Pirates.
2) In soccer, there are no franchises granted exclusive territories. “Here Yankees & Mets, the tri-state area is yours to divide. Nope, no one else can set up shop in your area. You’re like a cable system.” There are 5 teams in London in the top level of English soccer. Others in lower leagues are welcome to fight their way to the top. The league isn’t going to say “oooh, we don’t want our existing London teams to have to compete.”
Lastly, and most bizarrely idioticly, Thiessen writes that “opposable thumbs are the tools that seperate man from beast.” Ummm, Mr. Thiessen – all primates have opposable thumbs. Apparently, dude’s never been to the zoo. Or seen Planet of the Apes. Unbelievable.Report
@RallyMonkey,
Seen Planet of the Apes? Thiessen was in the Bush administration for 8 years: he lived it.Report
On point 4, I am British and played competitive footie, or ‘soccer’, from the age of about 7 or 8 for junior and senior school teams, cub scouts and sea scouts teams, indoor 5-a-side and 11-man field soccer, and the notion that scores are not kept at youth-level games is absolutely ludicrous. Did he pick that out of thin air or is he simply extrapolating a one-size-fits-all pattern from an obscure, 7 year old news article from some random European tabloid?Report
So he was speechwriter to the worst SecDef in a few decades, and then to the worst president since Nixon.
Nixon may have been evil, but at least he wasn’t an incompetent ignoramus. I was pining for Nixon — at least he was good at realpolitik.
Have to go a lot farther back than that to find one worse than W.Report
In addition, I’m yet to see a major soccer league instruct its players to boycott the World Cup, like NHL routinely does.Report
Professional soccer is much more capitalistic and success oriented than most American sports. If a team does badly in the Premier League, it gets knocked down into one of the minor leagues. If a minor league team does well, it can advance to the Premier. In the US, the teams in any major league have a “right” to play in that league, no matter how badly they play. Soccer doesn’t coddle loosing teams.Report