Falling out of Love with Hate, Part 3: Mending Fences
Well now, quite a bit of excitement here in Montauk recently; a near fist-fight, a boat launched and christened, a terrible storm with loss of life; all in one month I think. My goodness. Let’s back up a bit to last Sunday.
I got MON TIKI squared away Sunday morning. Late Sunday afternoon my friend came out and we set to work squaring away his boat. Sunday afternoon was very late to be getting around to this, but my friend is a huge generous teddy-bear of a man, and various family and work obligations had prevented him from getting out to Montauk until it was very nearly sundown.
By 10PM we had his boat in the lee of Star Island, anchored just outside of Diamond Cove Marina where MON TIKI lay with two anchors down off his bow, and a plan to put a couple more out in the morning.
Flash-forward to Wednesday morning and my friend was tied to the dock at Montauk Marine Basin. That’s where we assembled and launched MON TIKI and it’s also where I nearly got in a fight a couple of weeks ago. I wanted to go down there and see my friend, and also see how the marina had faired in the storm, but when I got down there I saw my nemisis’s truck and the first thought I had was, “I’m so glad I’m not down here anymore so I don’t have to run into this asshole every other day.”
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I visited with my friend. He’s the head of his division’s disaster reponse and recovery plan, and he had the saloon of his sloop converted to a mobile command post; laptops, cellphones, a pot of coffee. We rehashed the events of the last 48 hours, counted our blessings and then I got up to leave.
“Oh crap,” I thought, “another chance to run into this guy. Another chance to decide just how much eye contact to make or not make,” and on and on.
And so I resolved: If I see this guy, I’m going to walk straight up to him, say “My name is David Ryan,” extend my hand and say, “No hard feelings. Okay?”
I didn’t see him. But sooner or later I will. And when I do, that’s what I’m going to do.
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I’ve put a little thought into it, so I have some idea why, and at least a few of the reasons don’t reflect very well on me. I’m petty, spiteful, contrarian and prideful.
And for those reason, plus some others, I can’t read a single work Rod Dreher writes without disagreeing at least, and more likely, flying into a rage. Dreher could point out, on a clear Autumn day, that the sun was shining and I have no doubt I’d find a way to take offense. This post, bought to my attention by my and Rod’s mutual friend Alan Jacobs, is no exception:
Andrew Kern on the worst advice he ever got. Excerpt:
These are the worst pieces of advice I ever received:
Express yourself
Follow your heart
Don’t accept limits
Follow your feelings
My response, posted as a comment at Alan’s blog:
I don’t know if I’ve ever made any great work of art, or accomplished any significant intellectual achievement. I don’t suppose that’s for me to judge. I do know that I’m (mostly) proud of my creative and professional achievements; and that creativity and professionalism has kept my family fed, sheltered, and given us enough financial breathing room to (so far) accommodate the unexpected without too much disruption.
When I was a child, my father, who as far as I can tell, didn’t especially enjoy being a physician, often said, “Make sure you like what you do for a living, because you’re going to have to wake up every day and do it.”
I used to joke, before my responsilbities piled up, that I didn’t like waking up every day and being obligated to do any particular thing, and so I had arranged my life so that I didn’t have to.
Of course that’s not true. I do have to wake up every day and do what I do, and (mostly) I figure out what I need to do by following the (apparently very bad for him) advise that Mr. Kern was given.
I don’t know anything about Mr. Kern (and I don’t know if that’s my failing or his) but from my perspective, it he counts those four points as bad advice, well then so much the pity for him, and for anyone who feels comforted by his dour outlook. But as they say, different strokes for different folks.
The very best advice I ever got was from a colleague on the Media 100 email list; and list serve for users of a (very at the time) disruptive nonlinear digital editing system.
His name was Lon McQuillan, and he said, “Anything that’s worth doing is worth doing poorly.”
It’s advice that’s (so far) served me well; making films, building boats, and following my bliss.
Past results are no guarantee of future returns
Your milage may vary
Offer not valid in Guam, Ascension Island, and St. Francisville, LA.
For those of you who don’t know, St. Franisville is where Rod Dreher lives. I had to look that up to complete my snarky little trifecta.
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I don’t expect Rod Dreher spends as much time thinking about me as I do about him (which is to say any at all), so the subtitle “Mending Fences” is inapt. There is no relationship to be restored. No breach to be healed; at least not between me and Rod.
But just like I sometimes need or want to go down to Montauk Marine Basin, and it doesn’t serve me to have a running feud with some guy who hangs-out/work/lives(?) there, I like to read what Alan Jacobs and Noah Millman write at The American Conservative. It doesn’t do me any good to be holding my hand up to the screen, blocking from view any incitements Mr. Dreher may have posted to the menu bar. It’s an awkward, inelegant way to live a life. And exhausting too.
Hatred is tiring. That’s why, when you see the guy again, you should walk straight up to him, introduce yourself and offer your hand. Then, when he takes it, smack him in the face with a piece of driftwood hard enough to knock down but not hard enough to cause any real injury. After he looks back up at you, ask him if he’d like to share a drink with you at the bar.
Even if he refuses, creating a confusing social situation is often amusing enough to remove any feelings of hate.Report
I sometimes wonder whether it is healthy to have a few enemies. Maybe you don’t “hate”your enemies(Depending on what “hate” means.) But maybe it’s important to not like and forgive and be loving to at least one person, someone who can be yournenemy back.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m always the first to say “let’s work this out and not fight, and ai’m sure you’re cool and we just got off on the wrong foot” but maybe you should get off on the wrong foot everyone once in a while.
What do you think, David?Report
Why would it be healthy?Report
I have two friends, one from high school I’ve lost touch with, and one from the internet whom I’ve never met in person, who both put a lot of emphasis on the alignment of temperament and obligations. I admire both of these men because they also put a fairly high emphasis on the idea of code, as is having a code and striving to live by that code.
In that light, what I have come to understand about myself is that stress and struggle make me feel alive; in short, I like to fight.
I also prefer to think of myself as being righteous, to the point of sometimes doing the right thing, even when it’s contrary to my own self-interest, in order to be on the side of righteousness.
This has some positive aspects, but not all the aspects are positive, and I would say that one of the more glaringly negative aspects is that there is a tendency to conflate one’s pride with righteousness.
So yes, I think it’s healthy (for me) to have something to struggle against; and maybe sometimes it’s good for that something to be somebody; and maybe even there are somebodies who are deserving targets of the vigor with which I prosecute my causes.
But not always, and maybe not so much.Report
Yeah, that sounds fair., David.
Murali,
I always liked that back in the olden days, a lot of athletes really disliked the players on the opposite team. (Old time hockey was like this.) I wouldn’t call the attitude hate, because hate always sounds so desperate and out of control, I’d call it dislike and enmity. And with enmity, old time athletes had a sort of grudging respect of a kind, too.
We can take joy in having real enemies, in having enmity against people, in having people to struggle with, people who don’t worry about whether they like us, or whether we like them.
I think one reason David feels awkward around the dude he almost got in a fight with -or maybe this is just how I feel- is that David, on some level, wants this dude to like him. And this is because we want everyone to like us. But maybe that’s insane. Maybe taking joy in the fact that a few people don’t like us or that a few people are opposed to us and don’t like the choices we made is a good thing.
That said, I try not to have any enemies, so I don’t know what I’m talking about.Report
Of course it is healthy to have a few enemies. In this world, not having a few enemies means that you’re willing to “let someone else” take care of “it”.Report
I agree. I’ve gotten into this discussion with folks before in a similiar vein. Someone did me wrong and owes me a substantial amount of money. He never paid up. Folks said to “forgive him” and move on. I moved on but never did forgive. I don’t belive in forgiving someone for them doing me wrong without a sincere, heartfealt apology. Everything else is a lie. It’s not my job to make him feel better and I don’t need to forgive him to “move on”.
Is he an enemy? Not really. Would I think twice about breaking if he was in a cross walk crossing the street while I was in a car going through the intersection? Yes. Would I break? Probably yes. 🙂Report
So sorry to hear of the death of the teacher’s aide; I guess she was fairly young and/or trying to make a new career – tragic for people who are have not had a chance to enjoy a long life. All death (especially our own!) is tragic but most of us expect it to be when we are old and ill. As such, hate is a dead end and ten years from now, this will be a story to remind people of that time. Best to let it go and ignore the jerk (but carry pepper spray! (uh, for the dog … .))Report
Would pay to proof a bit better (or any at all) before posting – use to sites letting one edit even after posting – too early; ugh. Just getting the coffee.Report
Retribution would be fine were that the end of it. Unfortunately that may be the beginning of an escalation over which we have no control with consequences unimagined. As a society we pay people to take care of these volatile situations. Next time consider calling the police or lawyer or both, unless you have a friend in the mob.Report