Falling out of Love with Hate, Part 3: Mending Fences


David Ryan

David Ryan is a boat builder and USCG licensed master captain. He is the owner of Sailing Montauk and skipper of Montauk''s charter sailing catamaran MON TIKI You can follow him on Twitter @CaptDavidRyan

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10 Responses

  1. Avatar Pyre says:

    Hatred is tiring. That’s why, when you see the guy again, you should walk straight up to him, introduce yourself and offer your hand. Then, when he takes it, smack him in the face with a piece of driftwood hard enough to knock down but not hard enough to cause any real injury. After he looks back up at you, ask him if he’d like to share a drink with you at the bar.

    Even if he refuses, creating a confusing social situation is often amusing enough to remove any feelings of hate.Report

  2. Avatar Shazbot5 says:

    I sometimes wonder whether it is healthy to have a few enemies. Maybe you don’t “hate”your enemies(Depending on what “hate” means.) But maybe it’s important to not like and forgive and be loving to at least one person, someone who can be yournenemy back.

    Don’t get me wrong, I’m always the first to say “let’s work this out and not fight, and ai’m sure you’re cool and we just got off on the wrong foot” but maybe you should get off on the wrong foot everyone once in a while.

    What do you think, David?Report

    • Avatar Murali says:

      Why would it be healthy?Report

    • Avatar David Ryan says:

      I have two friends, one from high school I’ve lost touch with, and one from the internet whom I’ve never met in person, who both put a lot of emphasis on the alignment of temperament and obligations. I admire both of these men because they also put a fairly high emphasis on the idea of code, as is having a code and striving to live by that code.

      In that light, what I have come to understand about myself is that stress and struggle make me feel alive; in short, I like to fight.

      I also prefer to think of myself as being righteous, to the point of sometimes doing the right thing, even when it’s contrary to my own self-interest, in order to be on the side of righteousness.

      This has some positive aspects, but not all the aspects are positive, and I would say that one of the more glaringly negative aspects is that there is a tendency to conflate one’s pride with righteousness.

      So yes, I think it’s healthy (for me) to have something to struggle against; and maybe sometimes it’s good for that something to be somebody; and maybe even there are somebodies who are deserving targets of the vigor with which I prosecute my causes.

      But not always, and maybe not so much.Report

      • Avatar Shazbot5 says:

        Yeah, that sounds fair., David.


        I always liked that back in the olden days, a lot of athletes really disliked the players on the opposite team. (Old time hockey was like this.) I wouldn’t call the attitude hate, because hate always sounds so desperate and out of control, I’d call it dislike and enmity. And with enmity, old time athletes had a sort of grudging respect of a kind, too.

        We can take joy in having real enemies, in having enmity against people, in having people to struggle with, people who don’t worry about whether they like us, or whether we like them.

        I think one reason David feels awkward around the dude he almost got in a fight with -or maybe this is just how I feel- is that David, on some level, wants this dude to like him. And this is because we want everyone to like us. But maybe that’s insane. Maybe taking joy in the fact that a few people don’t like us or that a few people are opposed to us and don’t like the choices we made is a good thing.

        That said, I try not to have any enemies, so I don’t know what I’m talking about.Report

    • Avatar Kim says:

      Of course it is healthy to have a few enemies. In this world, not having a few enemies means that you’re willing to “let someone else” take care of “it”.Report

    • Avatar Damon says:

      I agree. I’ve gotten into this discussion with folks before in a similiar vein. Someone did me wrong and owes me a substantial amount of money. He never paid up. Folks said to “forgive him” and move on. I moved on but never did forgive. I don’t belive in forgiving someone for them doing me wrong without a sincere, heartfealt apology. Everything else is a lie. It’s not my job to make him feel better and I don’t need to forgive him to “move on”.

      Is he an enemy? Not really. Would I think twice about breaking if he was in a cross walk crossing the street while I was in a car going through the intersection? Yes. Would I break? Probably yes. 🙂Report

  3. Avatar Cermet says:

    So sorry to hear of the death of the teacher’s aide; I guess she was fairly young and/or trying to make a new career – tragic for people who are have not had a chance to enjoy a long life. All death (especially our own!) is tragic but most of us expect it to be when we are old and ill. As such, hate is a dead end and ten years from now, this will be a story to remind people of that time. Best to let it go and ignore the jerk (but carry pepper spray! (uh, for the dog … .))Report

    • Avatar Cermet says:

      Would pay to proof a bit better (or any at all) before posting – use to sites letting one edit even after posting – too early; ugh. Just getting the coffee.Report

  4. Avatar Rothko says:

    Retribution would be fine were that the end of it. Unfortunately that may be the beginning of an escalation over which we have no control with consequences unimagined. As a society we pay people to take care of these volatile situations. Next time consider calling the police or lawyer or both, unless you have a friend in the mob.Report