Genesis
(The scene: Kazzy is bouncing Mayonnaise on his knee, narrating the happenings as they sit on the bed together.)
Mayonnaise: AAAAAH-CHOOOO!!!
Kazzy: What a big sneeze! And do you know why we sneeze? Well, we sneeze because… [At this point, Kazzy realizes he doesn’t actually understand why we sneeze, at least not in a way that is immediately accessible or easily articulated.] We sneeze because we have to clear evil spirits from our noses. [At this point, Kazzy, an atheist, realizes he just invented a religion in much the same way the ancients did… to explain the unexplainable.]
Mayonnaise: [Bewildered look]
Kazzy: Fuck.
Was “we sneeze because the insides of our nose are itchy” too hard to think of in the moment?Report
Yes. I froze up.
Thing is, the kid is 11 weeks old. I could have paused for an hour and he would have been none the wiser. But for whatever reason, I felt compelled to continue describing what was happening without pause and, well, here’s the result.Report
A better parent would’ve explained that all information as we know it is accessible on the Internet, explained what that was, and then let the baby watch as you Googled up the proper explanation of sneezing. An exceptional parent would’ve used DuckDuckGo instead of Google because it doesn’t store IP addresses or search results, and thus had nothing to turn over to the NSA, while explaining those Constitutional nuances to the child whose rights are therein guaranteed, and who may one day have to put all on the line to maintain them. A really exceptional parent would’ve wondered if his child could be stuck to the ceiling with nothing but static electricity and rub the offspring vigorously against a carpet, got up on a bed to see if it would work, and reported the results in a scientific journal.
Sadly, we are short of such parents, and they mostly just make sure their children don’t get hurt in crazy electric experiments from the 1700’s, make eye contact, are all happy and content and healthy and whatnot. I think as society evolves we’ll develop more advanced ways of treating children, from conducting diaper wedgie experiments to testing their retained kinetic energy after bouncing them on the floor to place them in the spectrum of volleyballs, soccer balls, baseballs, and wads of Play-Do. There’s so much we still don’t understand.Report
Huh?Report
Oh no! You could have said *anything*. The mistakes of parenting have begun. At least this one he won’t use against you when he’s a teenager.Report
We sneeze because we have to clear evil spirits from our noses.
It all depends on your definition of ‘evil spirits.’
My son would say that pollen is an evil spirit. Spirit, as a noun, giving life to organisms, and as a verb, spiriting away the vitality of spirit. Total evil spirit; no religion required.Report
That’s kind of my sense, too.Report
“We sneeze because we have to clear evil spirits from our noses”
Why are you giving your baby shots of tequila?Report
And why is he making is baby snort tequila?Report
I can’t wait to hear how you explain yawning.Report
“Sometimes, you run out of demons and you need to fill up on a couple…”Report