I was going to write up a parody ad for whatever it is that Apple is launching tomorrow but then it occurred to me that this is a company that advertised the advent of its first major product by comparing the rest of the computer industry to Oceania or some such thing and itself to a heroic lone woman who single-handedly brought down the dystopia by throwing a hammer into a giant telescreen. I want everyone to just think about that for a moment. That is magnificent.
I used to work in advertising on occasion. I lasted a whole month at an agency back when I was 23 or thereabouts before quitting for no reason at all. I’ve since done some stuff for private clients but have since repeatedly given that up as well, sometimes mid-assignment. I actually love advertising. The problem is the clients, whom I’ve often found to lack a certain necessary vision.
A few years ago I made up a fake advertising firm in the course of writing a parody. Today I have decided that this made-up firm ought to be a real thing, and thus I here republish my once-fictional pitch, this time as absolute truth. I will provide advertising copy free of charge to any entity that cares to approach me. The catch is that the copy will be written by me. It may include implied threats towards other companies and even entire nation-states. It may involve obviously absurd claims of a socio-political nature. It may consist entirely of erotica. In fact, even if you don’t approach me, I may decide to write advertising copy for your firm without your permission or your approval and distribute it by way of the various channels I have developed in secret over a short yet bizarre life. There is really nothing that you can do to stop me from touting the virtues of your product, whether those virtues be real or imagined. On the other hand, I’m not a lawyer, and am in fact the exact opposite of a lawyer. Now that I’ve peaked your interest, here is the pitch for my advertising firm, Heathridge Partners.
Heathridge Partners can assist your business in the development of a comprehensive marketing strategy. We take a dynamic approach to advertising, one that sets us apart from our more conventional competitors while providing exceptional value to our clients. Before we move on to the next step, though, we’d like to tell you a little bit about what we’re all about.
- Although we’re a fairly large full-service agency with copywriters, alchemists, and HTML coders on staff, we take pains to cultivate a responsive atmosphere in which the client is always the first concern, and in which the concerns of the client always come first. In fact, this would be our company motto if our company motto were not already an ancient Greek phrase known only to our administrative staff and senior copywriters.
- We get a lot of questions about our name. No, there’s no “Mr. Heathridge” here. Ha, ha! In fact, our name is taken from a rural English grove, the pre-Anglicized name of which has been lost to the mists of history. It was there, at Heathridge, that the trees shaded the undergrowth; it was there, at Heathridge, that the stream fed the trees in turn; it was there, at Heathridge, that the tribal priests first effected to cajole the earth into the yielding of its bounty by offering the blood of virgins fair; thus, it was there, at Heathridge, that man began his quest to control nature by means of magick. We draw on this lesson as we draw on all lessons, for it is only through the acquisition of knowledge that one may further the acquisition of power, and it is only the acquisition of power that the knowledgeable man seeks. This is known as the First Circular Maxim.
- Because we consider the success of our client to be our ultimate aim, we take an unusually proactive approach to providing the client with the most effective marketing collateral possible. If a client is unsatisfied with a first draft, we’ll happily provide a revision. And if a client is unsatisfied with the revision, we will seize control of the client’s firm by force so that we might better provide the firm with what we, as marketing professionals, know to be effective marketing collateral. And though, as a precaution, you as the CEO will be executed, your children will be provided for in a manner adequate to their social station.
- Imagine a kitten sleeping amid a bed of flowers. Now imagine a hooded figure approaching from the east. He picks up a fallen branch, examines it for flaws, and then—having been duly satisfied with its quality—hoists the branch above his head and brings it crashing down on the kitten, which awakens in horror and pain. The hooded figure strikes a second time, mauling the kitten beyond repair, and then turns and walks back toward the east, leaving the kitten to die frightened and alone. Does this image disturb you? If so, you have only yourself to blame, for you conjured it of your own volition. Or, rather, you did not—it was we who, through the use of magick, compelled you to conjure it. That is the Lesson of the Hooded Figure From the East. Incidentally, the kitten was not a kitten; it was the cost barriers inherent to traditional buyer-to-buyer marketing. And the hooded figure was actually Heathridge Partners, and the fallen branch was dynamic thinking. That is the Second Lesson of the Hooded Figure From the East, and the fact that this allegory, like most things, provides more than one lesson is itself the Third Lesson of the Hooded Figure From the East. You, the client, see only the surface; Heathridge Partners sees what is underneath. That is the Fifth Lesson of the Hooded Figure From the East, and the Sixth Lesson of the Hooded Figure From the East is that there are three additional lessons that will never be revealed to you, the profane.
- We do not recognize the authority of the United States government.
- Heathridge Partners is only a “marketing agency” in the sense that any “entity” can be said to be a marketing agency. In fact, we are a marketing agency in less than that sense, as there are indeed entities in existence that primarily concern themselves with the marketing of products and services, whereas we are concerned chiefly with the nature of certain prime numbers and their relationship to humanity, and are only concerned with humanity to the extent that humanity can be said to relate to certain other prime numbers. And whereas most “marketing agencies” derive most of their income from marketing, we are funded largely through arms deals and inheritances passed down from long-dead Balkan royalty.
- It would be faulty to believe that the plasticity of the world around us constitutes an indication that the forces of magick are no longer in play, or even that they were never real to begin with. It is the conundrum of the cynic to believe that the existence of hamburger wrappers and television commercials somehow rules out the simultaneous existence of forces more profound, and of the great Actors who wield them. Does the cynic believe that hamburger wrappers and television commercials possess the power to define the world in which we dwell, and to augur the future of same? If so, it is he himself who believes in magick, and without evidence at that, while we believe in magick only because we have successfully used it to revive Julian the Apostate, whom we revere as we would a master and love as we would a father.
- We “provide” “free” “estimates.”
I may be reached at barriticus@gmail.com. The strong will seek me out; the weak will pay millions to a bunch of no-talent college grads working out of a loft in Manhattan, and that won’t even cover the cost of licensing a track from the Yeah Yeah Yeahs or whatever song they heard three weeks ago at a club when they were on ecstasy. A bunch of kids will be driving around in a Beetle and laughing. I spit on your Beetle.
Update
I have ushered in the new order of advertising with a promotional piece for some neighborhood association.
do you do psa? I was thinking of getting you to work for our neighborhood association’s annual membership drive.Report
When I am done with your neighborhood association, it will have become the sixth permanent member of the UN Security Council. Together we will bring order where before there was only chaos. Would you be adverse to having the PSA written in the form of a dialog between Tiberius Caesar and Nerva on the Isle of Capri?Report
As long as we don’t start a non-proliferation treaty with the neighborhood across the river and are able to mandate reflective vests on all senior citizens who start their day at 4 bloody a.m. I would cheer in sumerianReport
I like your attitude. Let us render these elderly people as shiny and reflective as possible through our sheer force of will.Report
Shiny, reflective and QUIET. My house is at the intersection where several dedicated walkers meet up. Rain, shine, sleet or snow they like to stand under our tree and talk, very earlier in the morning….every day. I applaud their fortitude and dedication to health but I need a subtle but effective message to tell them to scram!Report
I have composed your advertisement, which may be found in the most recent post at this blog.Report
With your kind permission I would like to submit this to the Tioga Terrace Civic Associations Newsletter for our annual membership drive.Report
Go for it.Report
piqued
i would ask you to advertise for my company, it’ll be a one man IT shop.
It wont go-live until 01 jan 2011 thoughReport
Certainly. I will even let you choose between the following formats:
1. A series of Gore Vidal quotes taken from various interviews he has given over the past half-century and possibly from his two autobiographies and any further autobiographies he might choose to write between now and the launch of your IT operation, with certain terms and concepts such as “American empire” replaced with the name of your firm.
2. A manifesto that will make clear all that was previously hidden in the affairs of man.
3. A fictional quatrain that I will compose and attribute to Nostradamus on the internet in response to any of the stupid e-mail forwards I get from reactionaries. The quatrain will appear to have predicted the arrival of yourself on the world stage.Report
you own.
I think I would enjoy a quatrain (new word for me today), I am genuinely keen to find out the previously hidden affairs of man.
I’ll be launching as niland.it.
I’m targeting small business to host their IT operations with me.
I’m looking forward to seeing the results, I really am.
And thanks for the generous offer.Report
oops, I missed a but in that last reply.
, but, I am genuinely keen to….Report
I’m declaring myself a Public Limited Company and will be trading myself on the London Stock Exchange. I’d like help advertising all of my securities to the British public.
I’m simultaneously annointing myself a Limited Liability Partnership so that I am not responsible or liable for my own misconduct or negligence. I think this is important in order that I do not go to prison. Indeed I am trusting Heathridge Partners to ensure my corporate body has legal existence independent of its member. (me)
I hope you can help. I have excellent references and bosoms.Report
I believe I can assist you but first I’ll have to feel out your assets a bit in order to determine how best I can position you going forward.Report
Splendid. I am in the process of making an educational video. I will file it at Companies House.Report
I came up with an advertising campaign for a cafe/bakery I used to work for when I was working through college.
Setting: Galilee. A crowd of Biblical types are all eating loaves and fishes and saying that the bread is really, really good. “Who made the bread?”, someone asks. Zoom over to the top of a hill where you see the French Chef who owned the place. “Hello!”, he’d say in his (exceptionally charming) accent. It’d then turn into a yelly commercial “THE TATTOOED RHINOCEROS CAFE AND BAKERY ON WHATEVER STREET COME DOWN AND EAT SOME BREAD”
He shot the idea down.Report
I have long been infatuated with the concept of advertising for entire industries rather than for an individual firm. Like, “Beef: It’s what’s for dinner.”
I assume that as an individual, I am allowed to say whatever I want about uncopyrighted things like beef. So if I was really rich, I’d like to just buy ad time and advertise. Could anyone stop me from running a campaign like “Asparagus: Your mom probably didn’t like you very much,” or “Soup: Most countries are actually a lot better than America, or “Aspirin: Four out of five racists prefer it”?
Or you could just really roll the dice for a company. I wonder what would happen to sales at GM if they were to run an ad campaign like “Chevy: You know what? Women really shouldn’t work.” I know some people who would probably buy a Chevy.Report
I love your examples.Report
Cartels. When it’s difficult to distinguish one producer’s product from another’s (“Honey this steak is great! Is it from Hank’s Big Texas Cattle Ranch or Bill’s Blue Sky Montana Cattle Ranch?”) cartels are often organized and producers required to contribute to advertising. That’s how we get the California Raisins, the “Real Dairy” campaign, and “Pork, the other white meat.” I suppose Idaho potatoes and Vidalia onions might follow a similar approach. An unusual case are the old diamonds commercials, which were paid for by the deBeers cartel, which was unusual in that it wasn’t a government organized cartel, but a private firm that controlled enough of the diamond market to make marketing the product in general worthwhile, even if minor firms also benefited.
Of course sometimes producers go to great lengths to get you to believe their product is truly distinguished. Hence you can find magazine ads encouraging you to pay a premium price for steaks from Bill’s Big Sky Montana Cattle Ranch, on the dubious premise that their meat really does taste that much different/better than what you’ll find at your local butcher.
I like Sam’s idea, though, and it would be a pretty easy laboratory study to see whether people respond positively to ads such as “Eggs. God bless America.”Report
Let’s also not forget that de Beers basically created the entire concept of a diamond engagement ring.Report
Indeed–clever buggers aren’t they! The interesting thing about them is that for years they did their best to keep their name out of the public view. Only a relative handful of people really knew about their existence. Then some time back they changed tracks and began to advertise openly, and even set up their own stores with their names on them. Does anyone have any idea what led to that change in business philosophy?Report
I would consider engaging Heathridge Partners however I have some particular requirements of my marketing agency.
1. You shall have no other clients before me, not on earth or in the skies over the earth or in the waters under the earth.
2. In order to prove your loyalty you must divest yourself of all encumbrances including family, friends, clothing, religious or poltical affiliations and all property real or imaginary (I will however allow you to keep blogging).
3. any payment shall be in unprocessed coca leaves at a rate to be determined by the government of Bolivia.Report