As per the protocols agreed upon yesterday evening between myself and First Things editor Joe Carter, our respective persons will be engaging in a contest of rhetoric (hereafter referred to as the “debate”) concerning the nature and existence of God and His proper relation to the state, with the conflict in question scheduled to begin on Thursday, holy unto Thor.
In addition to his editorial role at First Things, Mr. Carter served as Director of Research and Rapid Response to the presidential campaign of noted guitar virtuoso Mike Huckabee and director of communications for the Family Research Council, in addition to various other roles in the realms of social conservatism activism and media, and remains an adjunct professor of journalism at Patrick Henry University. He’s also the author of How to Argue Like Jesus: Learning Persuasion from History’s Greatest Communicator.
I am the founder of the distributed think-tank Project PM, a contributor to Vanity Fair and Skeptical Inquirer as well as the author of Flock of Dodos: Behind Modern Creationism, Intelligent Design, and the Easter Bunny and a forthcoming book on the mediocrity of mainstream American commentary. I also serve as director of communications of the atheist PAC Enlighten the Vote.
This debate is the teleological attractor towards which all of history has been proceeding, having itself been set in motion by transcendental forces for the purpose of bringing about this Typhoon Struggle, this Great Accounting of Man and His Works. Empires have risen and fallen merely as the grist of causality – but causality itself was merely a tool by which to bring us to the eve of this moment.
There shall be feints within feints, plans within plans, and always the hidden hand of Loki – the slow blade, the knife that thrusts as if on its own accord. Point will meet counterpoint; participant will lull participant into the complacency of certainty before making manifest all that was hidden, and these shall be spikes. Each word will be chosen as would a gem for the throne of Timur the Lame. Eyes that look upon this contest will afterwards see only through the prism of those things that will presently pass, yet always remain, indeed taking up all of space-time by virtue of their significance.The muses of rhetoric will assemble for the purpose of a contest for which they themselves have waited from the beginning of time’s forward march.
For the purpose of this contest I shall today discard my human form and take on the aspects of Apollo and Mithril, both of whom shall speak through me over the following days. It is our pleasure that all men will now refer to us by the following title which we take on as of this moment: Barrett Lancaster Brown Epiphanes, Avenger of Julian the Apostate, Manifest Will of Jupiter, Knight Consular of the Order of the Golden Proceeding.
The wearing of purple will henceforth be viewed as proof of treason and punishable by death, although the children of the executed will of course be provided for in a manner sufficient to their station.
The challenge has been issued and accepted; as determined by the protocols, the debate will begin by the posting of quotes chosen by each participant. Thereafter will follow at least three rounds of exchanges with one post on each side, after which the debate may be honorably put to an end by either participant – or, if both parties are in agreement, it may continue under further protocols to be determined between the two of them. The winner will transform into a bull and live for all of eternity in a field of platinum, attended by maidens with whom he shall do as he pleases.
Anyone who does not follow the entirety of this debate is expelled from the race of men. At the height of the contest, the universe will collapse into a single point, and the tragic cycle of matter-made-sentient will begin anew.
Update
It is by will alone I set my mind in motion.
It is by the juice of sapho that thoughts acquire speed, the lips acquire stains, the stains become a warning.
It is by will alone I set my mind in motion.
No pressure then?Report
@ThatPirateGuy,
Blood for the blood god. Skulls for the skull throne.Report
@Barrett Brown,
Before you said that, I really liked you.
Now I love you.Report
I do believe a gauntlet has been thrown, verily!Report
I understand Andy Kaufman was a pretty good wrestler, too.Report
Extraordinarily aroused. Thanks.Report
@ScrubAssChump, I’ll deal with you presently.Report
Wait- is the debate going to take place on the League and the First Things blog? Or is Vanity Fair going to cover it, complete with Annie Leibovitz pictures of you two with captions like “The Godless” and “The Righteous” and 120 pages of fashion ads?
(I kid, but I’m seriously a sniveling geek fanboy when it comes to Vanity Fair.)Report
@Rufus F., Of all the terrible things of which to be an ardent fan…
We’ll be doing it here and at First Things, yes.Report
@Barrett Brown, Hey, I’m a First Things fan too. It’s just with Vanity Fair, my fandom is all out of proportion to reality. I just imagine the writers there all work on old-timey typewriters in hotel rooms off the Champs Elysees while drinking martinis, reading their work aloud to Christopher Hitchens, James Wolcott, Bono, Tom Stoppard, Lady Gaga and the ghost of Dorothy Parker, and taking momentary breaks from the swell cocktail party in the lobby where everyone could be described as positively top drawer. If that’s not the reality, I’ll be crushed.Report
@Rufus F., I smoke shitty weed out of a pipe made from a can of ginger ale.Report
@Barrett Brown, But you smoke shitty weed with Madonna, right?! RIGHT?!Report
@Rufus F., No, but I shoot smack with Uffie.Report
@Barrett Brown, Pffft! Who doesn’t?Report
Awesome.
Bets on who is going to lose his temper first? Anybody?Report
@Jaybird, I’ll put $100 on me. What are the odds running at?Report
@Barrett Brown, dude, it can *NOT* be you.
I’m one of the atheists on here and it makes me oh-so-sick-and-tired when the atheist starts acting like he’s in a goddamn Chick tract.
Keep it together. Outsiders will look on you as if you represent all of us and even though we know that that should not be the case, it still is.
Do not make us look bad.Report
@Jaybird, Relax, I’m kidding. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s12Z9slWq3AReport
@Barrett Brown, I’m fine so long as your argument doesn’t consist of daring God to strike you dead, pausing, and saying, “See?!”Report
@Rufus F.,
But if it actually happened, you have to admit – that’s great theatre.Report
@Rufus F.,
I’m just worried that he might be trying to poison the well by accusing his opponent of working for the Family Research Council.
That is pretty low.Report
@Barrett Brown, oh good Lord. Fox. *faints*Report
@Barrett Brown, can I just say that in that clip you had me at “Well, that’s just absurd” after the good reverend interrupted you for the umpteenth time.Report
@Pirate Guy, Well, Joe Carter edits First Things and, even more important, is a regular commenter here, which puts him the upper echelon of civilized men, by my count.Report
@Rufus F.,
Editing First things doesn’t help him with me.
And since *I* comment here reasonably regularly I can’t see how that makes him civilized 😉Report
For future reference, we generally go by “Noted Creed Apologist Joe Carter” when referring to First Things’ esteemed web editor:
http://www.ordinary-gentlemen.com/2009/10/this-is-all-an-elaborate-joke-right/#comment-26883Report
@Will, Now there shall be no mercy given.Report
@Will,
Won’t people stop poisoning the well with these viscous accusations? Think of the children!Report
@Will, I didn’t realize I had left that out of official bio. I need to update that to reflect my creedal commitment to Creed.Report
@Joe Carter, This is clearly a ploy to send me into a blind rage and I am not going to fall for it, sir.Report
@Barrett Brown, What’s wrong with Creed? I’m not saying they are the World’s Greatest Band. But it’s not like they are some really sucky band, like Led Zeppelin.Report
@Joe Carter, for a few months there, Creed was the band of choice for whomever was putting together montage videos for the WWF.
Those were some of the best goddamn montage videos Vince ever put out.
I’m just sayin’.Report
@Jaybird, Creed is like a fine wine—it fits with a variety of settings: weddings, funerals, quinceaneras, WWF montages.
I really don’t understand the Creed-hating. Scott Stapp is the Tito Puente of Generation X. To paraphrase John Winger (Bill Murray) in Stripes, “Scott Stapp’s gonna be dead, and you’re gonna say, ‘Oh, I’ve been listening to him for years, and I think he’s fabulous.'”Report
@Joe Carter, I stopped listening to him when he got divorced.
A love song is a love song but I don’t need Mel Gibson wannabes giving me advice on how I should be married.
That said, he does go perfectly with the WWF.Report
@Jaybird,
“I Love You Just the Way You Are. (Though on Second Thought, I’d Rather Have Christie Brinkley)”Report
I want to observe that this comment thread has been the shining highlight of an otherwise dreary day. Thanks. I’m in stitches here.Report
@North,
The last 24 hours has produced a confluence of sheer awesome from you, Rufus, and Jaybird. I think my top 10 favorite comments of all time from any of the three of you has radically changed in the last daycycle. Did the League collectively imbibe genius writing juice? Is this a byproduct of everyone working on National Write a Novel month or something?
I have to say… Bob, Jason, Mike, Farmer, greg, and E.D. are doing excellent journeyman work but it’s like they’re the bench players on a championship team right now when it comes to stellar writing.Report
@Pat Cahalan, I’m crushed.Report
@MFarmer,
Concentrate, Daniel-san! Focus power!Report
@Pat Cahalan, Goodness, thank you sir!Report
That’s great. I remember when Joe came up with the Cubs in ’83 — I was in Leesville, La., trying to find my way east, which has nothing to do with the subject. He was no Rocky Colavito, though, but then who could be? Perhaps a comparison to Ernie Banks is more appropriate, but not really. Ten years before that, I could have made it to the minors, but I broke my arm in a barfight and changed direction, never dreaming one day I’d be anticipating such an event.Report
i hope you get all ontological on his ass barrett. fuck epistemology and all that it stands for! DON’T BRING A DESCARTESIAN KNIFE TO A BUBERIAN GUN FIGHT or blood will flow. yours. or his. i don’t know. do you have any more of that ginger ale?Report
@robert green, No, but tou can have one of my Suboxone strips.Report
This has to be the best blog-hype ever. Well done, sir.Report
You might be interested in this as an example of mediocre mainstream media reporting:
http://www.cnbc.com/id/39987552/?om_rid=NFzxiU&om_mid=_BM0qLlB8ViEcv9Report
nobody has said anything nice about me. I’m going into a blind rage.
Religion is, like, really stupid.Report
@ScrubAssChump, Barret offered to attend to your arousal personally and judging by his fox news clip he’s a fine looking young man. You should count your blessings.Report
I never thought I would say this about the internet, but I don’t have the faintest idea what anyone is talking about.Report
@Colin, Mostly it’s from Dune, with other bits stolen from Tolkein, Arthurian legend and a couple of computer games. Add a pinch of hallucinogens and voila.Report
I can’t believe that this thread has gone on for this long, and gotten this dorky (ahem… “blood for the blood god”?) and no one has called attention to your radically improbably claim to take on the aspect of Tolkienian true-silver.Report