I Am Jack’s Banished Dog.
The following was something I wrote a year ago for my other blog. As someone that also has Aspergers, I understood this post only too well.
Recently, I wrote a post on how difficult friendships can be for me. I don’t know if I explained it very well, but here’s a taste:
It’s not that I don’t want friends; the fact is I really desire friendships and there have been people that I really want to be good friends with. But the problems with communication makes it very hard. Sometimes I hold back, scared to move forward and what to do. Sometimes I charge ahead and I’m waaay too forceful or say something that might creep people out. And sometimes, I’m just a big asshole that says really cutting things to friends not really knowing how hurtful they really were. Friendship is difficult for me because I don’t know how to best proceed. Since I have a hard time with social cues, I have to basically operate blind-which usually ends up a mess. Friendship for someone with Aspergers is like entering a room where everyone is speaking German, everyone that is but you. You keep trying to speak in English to them and they respond in German to our mutual frustration. It places a barrier between people, because you can’t ever get close to someone because, well they speak a different language.
Like I said, I don’t think I got my point accross. And it’s not that I don’t have friends, but I don’t feel I’m able to get to a more deeper relationship. A guest blogger at the League of Ordinary Gentlemen did a far better job of explaining what folks with Aspergers go through when it comes to friendship:
But at the same time we’re rejecting normal social relationships we also crave them. It’s like you’re locked outside, with your nose pressed against the window, watching the normal happy people inside the party, like a dog who’s been banished for peeing on the carpet. When I’m home for a weekend there’s no friends for me to call and go have a beer. There’s no circle that gets together for cookouts in the summer. No holiday parties to attend. Frankly, it’s damn lonely and it puts just that much more strain on the one real relationship that I maintain, my marriage. A lot of people say their spouse is their best friend, but in reality, those are different roles that need to be played by separate persons. Who am I supposed to talk to when my wife pisses me off (and she does sometimes; they all do)?
He was able to get to the root of the matter. I’m more comfortable being alone at times, but I also crave social relationships. You see others having this deep and meaningful relationship with others and you want what they have, but damned if I know how to do it.
People with Aspergers might appear to not be interested in friendship, but the reality is we really desire them. The problem is that we don’t know how to do it and relationships bring a lot of stress to us because we are constantly guessing how to act and fearful we will make a mistake.
Can I learn how to make and sustain friendships? I think so; it’s just going to be hard. I wish they had Rossetta Stone for Aspies.
I wish it were easier to find friends that you can do nothing with. Unfortunately, the only way to find them is through finding friends that you can do something with.
At least as far as I’ve found.Report
Thank you for sharing part of your story, Dennis. I’m curious… do the people you are seeking friendships and connection with… do they know you have Aspergers? If not, would telling them help them to better understand your manner of and attempts at connecting?
I ask for slightly selfish reasons… my wife’s father shows some symptoms of Aspergers. And his relationships with his family members range from non-existent to strained. After some hard talks with my wife, I finally broached the subject. I’m far from an expert, but I know enough to wonder if there is a there there. She considered it but ultimately dismissed it as immaterial… regardless of what was going on, he is who he is and nothing is going to change for him now that he’s in his 60’s. My counter was that it might not change anything for him, but might for them. If they saw his rigidity and focus on routine to the exclusion of all else as something other than “stubbornness” — if they instead recognized it as something that was largely beyond his control and was necessary for him — they might be more accepting of it. Her brother recently broached the topic completely independently… “What’s wrong with him? Is he autistic or something?” He was half-joking, but half-serious.
So, I’m curious… do you get along better with people who know about your condition (is condition the right word?) and can therefore be accommodating to it or otherwise understanding of your needs?Report
For reasons that I don’t have the right to voice here, I strongly suspect my wife is also on the spectrum. And frankly, I as also suspect that’s why we were attracted to each other. I sincerely doubt either one of us could have sustained a thirty-year relationship with a neuro-typical.
One thing I’ve noticed about us is that we get along a lot better when we’re not together as much. For most couples routine absences is really hard on a relationship, but the times when it got rockiest for us was when I had a job where I was home every night.Report
There probably isn’t a Rosetta Stone, but if you have access, there are really good counselors out there who can help you learn a lot of the skills that you may have trouble learning. It’s not easy, of course, but if you’re willing to learn and stick with it, it can be a lot of help.Report
I feel that Parenthood has done much to humanize Aspies.
Not only Max, who explicitly has it, but also Hank, who implicitly has it.
The Big Bang Theory, however, mocks Sheldon, who implicitly has it as well.Report
Take up disc golf. Seriously.Report