Perhaps we should hire this incompetent fellow who hates us

I hadn’t noticed until just now that ABC News had decided to bring on Andrew Breitbart to provide his insight into what I am beginning to suspect to be some sort of ongoing electoral contest, but apparently they did just that, after which point Breitbart unilaterally decided that he would grace the nation with a more prominent role than that which had actually been offered. When ABC attempted to correct him, he dug in deeper. ABC has now given up and simply retracted the offer.

As of today I am offering my services as a media consultant to any outlet that would care to make use of them, totally pro bono. Here’s how it works. You, the producer of some mainstream outlet, decide to hire one of these degenerate tribalist weirdos who masquerade as truth-loving conservatives on the internet. You make the choice you will inevitably make and then come to me with the name of the particular internet tough guy to whom you have decided to give a crucial role in informing the electorate. I look at the name and begin to cry. Tears of frustration run down my face and then down to my arms, mixing in with the blood that is flowing from my veins because I am cutting myself. Then I look up at you and say, “You made me do this.” Then I collapse. Please don’t send for help because this is not a cry for attention; I am actually seeking the oblivion afforded by death, and I mean to achieve it. I can only do this once.

Seriously, though, let me run through a quick history of what happens when you try to hire these fucking people. The Washington Post thought it would be neat to bring on RedState.com contributor Ben Domenech to blog for them. I would love to see the post that Domenech wrote which prompted someone at the the Post to stop and say to himself, “This is what the country needs now.” It turned out that Domenech was a serial plagiarist. Apparently he couldn’t even write a review of Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within on his own; he actually had to steal someone else’s review of some ill-conceived CGI paper tiger of a movie that had fuck all to do with the games themselves. Upon being caught, he lied about it, blaming an editor of his college paper for one such instance. He wrote a blog post ending with something like, “At least the liberals are too busy attacking me to attack America.” Finally, the evidence reached a breaking point such that even Fortress Red State’s Anti-Reality Force Field was breached and it was decided that, yes, poor Domenech had made some “mistakes,” and now let’s all quietly drop it because Ben is hurting right now, guys, so lay off. Although Domenech lost the Post offer, he was back to writing for Red State not long afterwards and has since branched out to other outlets of similar ethical caliber.

More recently, when CNN decided it needed a conservative blogger to round out its array of degenerate careerists, the producers made the natural choice of offering the job to Red State founder Erick Erickson. I don’t even know what to say about that.

In conclusion, the universe is devoid of meaning and purpose.