(Welcome to Parenting: The Game! This will be an off-again, on-again series that allows those of us traversing the world of parenting to explore, discuss, vent, and otherwise share our experiences. This series is open to all… co-bloggers may add as they see fit and commenters can submit guest posts via email to brianjkoscuiszka – at – g – mail – dot – com. Though I will be playing the game from the start, others are welcome to jump in where ever they might find themselves within the game’s internal timeline. Enjoy!)
Objective: Parenting: The Game challenges players to care for a child and see it through to adulthood.
End Game: Depending on the difficulty level, there are various end game scenarios that result in victory, ranging from the “Chris Rock victory”, accomplished by keeping your child off the pole (easiest) to the “Ann Dunham victory”, accomplished by playing as a single player and raising your child to be the first black President (hardest).
Playable Characters: Players may play as the Mother, Father, Step-Mother, or Step-Father. Multi-player action allows for any configuration of these characters into a Parenting Team. Please note that the use of the word “team” does not indicate any guarantee of teamwork beyond what the players themselves bring to the table. Also note that the game’s online capability means that playing location is tracked and recording, meaning certain player configurations can results in additional obstacles due to unjust local laws and/or social stigma. Bonus points are awarded to players under these circumstances.
Non-playable Characters: Non-playable characters include but are not limited to Aunts, Uncles, Grandparents (including In-Laws), Friends, Teachers, Neighbors, Classmates, and Zombies. Players will need to interact with these characters across a variety of circumstances to accomplish their missions. Note that there is no hard or fast rules on which of these characters will be good or bad and most will occupy both roles, sometimes simultaneously. Points will be deducted for murdering any (though In-Law murders result in the smallest penalty).
Environment: Parenting: The Game takes place in an Earth-like environment. Climate, gravity, and technology are all roughly equivalent to what the player would find around him/her in real life. With one exception: zombies. There are zombies. Not many. So few you might never encounter them. Most people live their lives unaware or unconcerned with their presence. But they are there. Somewhere.
[Press *START* to continue]
Please choose your character(s) and assign their characteristics…
Players chosen: Kazzy (Father) and Zazzy (Mother)
Kazzy’s Strengths: muscle mass; height; impervious to crying; impervious to pee, poop, and vomit; patience; functions well on minimal sleep
Kazzy’s Weaknesses: limited provision skills (those that do exist are entirely dependent on Mother character); moron; asshole friends; limited emotional depth/range; reckless; poor hygiene
Zazzy’s Strengths: food production; awareness of child’s needs; attentiveness; ability to follow directions; napping ability; pretty; great hygiene
Zazzy’s Weaknesses: grossed out by all bodily functions; anxiety; demonstrates Zombie-like tendencies when tired; emotional instabilityReport
This is brilliant. Space awesome.Report
Will you be providing cheat codes, I hope? I am never gonna finish this thing otherwise.Report
You serious? I’m on level 1! You’re going to have to ask the more experienced players among us… Tod, Mike D, Schilling, and others. I’m of no help. I can’t even figure out what the controls are… Neither trigger seems to be the “Stop crying” button.Report
When you get frustrated, do NOT fling the controller across the room.Report
Vibrate function can be useful. Just don’t turn it up too high.Report
You’re playing it wrong. Now, I’ve never played it myself but I have some serious theories about it and, seriously, this goes against most of them.Report
You’re gonna have to help us out, man. You’re the resident gaming expert, even if you’re experience with this particular game is nil.Report
First off, you have to figure out what you want to be good at and pour your stats into that. That likely means that you have to figure out what you don’t care if you’re bad at and use those as dump stats.Report
sleeping is a dump stat now, as is charisma.Report
Drowsing is a necessary skill for young parents!
(Yes, I play Rolemaster. Yes, Drowsing is an actual skill in the game).Report
So, if I’m okay with my kid sucking at tennis, I don’t need to spend 40 minutes searching for the tennis power-up?Report
I was more under the impression that that was a “combined stat”. Like you have to add up Dex and End or something.
Wait, what system are we using?
This is a lot easier with cats, for the record.Report
What – no mention of storage and bank issues?
A simple trek to the Swamps of Dispair now involves 400lbs of gear.
That and every time you make a move you pay $300 to the Guild of Folding Contraptions for stuff you can only use for 6 months (but which take a permanent slot in your inventory).Report
It seems to me that the Ann Dunham victory has become impossible.Report
n = 1 and all that but that’s what we all said before his ascension to the throne of blood.Report
You’ve still got Asian, female, Hispanic, gay, Jewish or not-secret-Muslim left.Report
Player: Father.
Level: 15 (1 level per year)
Alignment: Chaotic Good
Strengths: Good with female toddler; exploration and travel; +10 intelligence (that’s what my public profile says, anyway).
Weaknesses: Impatience; emotional blindness; occasional thoughts about cats, bags, and bridges.Report
“cat claws a hole in the sack…”Report
Hint:
While weaponizing the child can be very useful for defeating the other players in the current level, it is not overall a winning strategy.Report
That diaper was weaponized when I got there; truly, the only winning strategy would have been not to play. Now I can’t even send it to Yucca Mountain. Thanks a lot Obama!Report
Diapers are only weaponized when they’re actually loaded into the gazorch.
please to be trying again.Report
The difficulty curve on this game is poorly designed, if you ask me. Just when you start to feel like you master the requiredset of skills, you get put into a new difficulty level where everything changes. The effective tactics you spent so much time learning all get thrown out the window. It is almost like starting a completely different game.Report
Another real problem is that one you have your first instance running the respawn locations disappear.Report