Mount Rushmore – Candy Edition

[Mount Rushmore is a new weekly series wherein I propose a category and then nominate four items from that category to stand atop a hypothetical Mount Rushmore.  The goal here is to foster some good-natured debate in seeking to answer an unanswerable question.  Feel free to use the comments to propose your own  quartet, discuss the merits of my own choices, and tell others just how wrong they are.  I often no guidance on what criteria out to be applied in answer the question.  Half the fun is in debating the methodology itself.  So without further adieu, let’s get it on!]

Candy.  God… who does’t love candy.  I don’t even have much of a sweet tooth, but when someone says the word, I just feel better inside.  Children are so enamored with the idea that they’ll choose inferior candy over just about anything: trust me, I’ve done the research to determine this*.  We have an entire holiday during which we abandon many basic rules of society because, hey, free candy!

What candy would I put on the Mount Rushmore of Candy?  This was a relatively easy call for me.  I thought of four items, bounced a couple more ideas around, but just kept coming back to these four:

Peanut M&Ms: Obviously superior to the original.  I mean, what things aren’t made better by the addition of nuts?  They have the perfect ratio of chocolate-to-candy-to-nut.  Goobers?  Fish you, Goobers.

Snickers: Another perfectly balanced treat.  It’s got great texture — step back spineless Milky Way and Three Musketeer.  It’s filling in a way that no other candy is, making it easier to justify when it takes the place of an actual meal.  It’s got a great name.  It’s got some weight to it: like a heavy-bottomed Scotch glass, it just feels good in the hand.  Oh… and it’s fishing delicious.

Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups: Is my bias towards more savory treats showing?  TOO BAD!  Reese’s are one of those candies that you somehow forget just how good it is and then you take a bite and you say, “I’m such a butt head!  How could I forget you, old friend?”  Thing is, you gotta stick with the original size.  The mini’s throw off the ratio.  Ratios matter, people.

Sour Patch Kids: My vice of choice.  I’ll eat these until my tongue is numb and everything tastes off for the rest of the day.  Well worth it.  Again, though, you have to stick with the originals.  The watermelons and peach aren’t bad, but they lack the sour punch of the originals.  I’m skeptical of the new blue one that appeared on the scene recently.  Time will tell how he is received.

So, that is my Mount Rushmore?  Whatchu got, OT-ers?

* In trying to rid my house of some Easter treats, I brought in some shitty jelly beans and delicious Girl Scout cookies.  I offered the students a choice between the two.  Every single one took the jelly beans.  Candy, man… it’s just got a way.