“Donald Trump announced today bold new plan today to build a moat staffed with alligators, and to staff his border wall with border patrol officers wearing pirate hats and armed with blow darts. We will discuss the merits of his bold new proposal today…” -some Fox News show
“Rafael Cruz says he’s in favor of ‘cocodrilos’ along the border wall, but betrays us on the pirate hats. Just another RINO, or as they would say in Rafael’s native language ‘rinoceronte.’ I don’t speak Spanish, though, because I am an American, but Rafael Cruz probably does because he isn’t. Remember.” -Ann Coulter
“Are we really going to do this pirate thing? Okay, then, while I understand some of the apprehension surrounding immigration, we need to approach this serio… I’m sorry. Really? We’re really going to talk about pirates?” -Carly Fiorina
“Fiorina still just doesn’t get it.” -Laura Ingraham
“Jean Lafitte once had a warehouse in New Orleans, so I would have to say that pirate hats are very much a part of our heritage and I believe Trump’s proposal would be a salute to…” -Bobby Jindal
“I am not yet decided on alligators or crocodiles or whatever, but as a physician I would be uniquely qualified to come up with a formula for poison blow darts. In fact, when I was a teenager, I killed a marmoset using a concoction I created in the hallway closet.” -Ben Carson
“I look at the pirates issue as primarily being one of our need for naval strength. Sorry, what? Immigration? What do pirates have to do with immigration again?” -Lindsay Graham
“Jeb Bush likes to act reasonable on immigration, but he proposed today using guns on undocumented migrants…” -Hillary Clinton
“I can’t say that I favor a moat, though perhaps we could work out a compromise where we built a moat but then build a bridge over the moat…” -John Kasich
“{The sound, or lack of a sound, of a tree falling in the forest when nobody is there to hear it.}” -Jim Gilmore
“Rubio lurches right, courts Trump voters with talk of ‘securing our border'” -Major Newspaper
CHUCK TODD: Some have suggested that we should make undocumented immigrants walk a plank. Would you support this?
SCOTT WALKER: Yeah. It’s important to be firm on the immigration issue.”
“Scott Walker endorses forcing immigrants to walk a plank!” -Huffington Post
“RINO Christie rips Trump, defends well-known Democrat.” -Breitbart
“Scott Walker does not advocate forcing illegal immigrants to walk a plank…” -Walker’s press office
“Walker may have flip-flopped on making immigrants walk a plank, but even then he couldn’t resist using an anti-immigrant slur.” -TPM
“I’m not saying that there is anything wrong with blow darts, but I don’t think we need to make them poisonous. But really, I’m most concerned about the tone of Trump’s comments.” -John Kasich
“Kasich strikes out moderate policy, contrasts with Trump’s poisonous blow darts and Jeb Bush’s ‘open season’ rhetoric.” -Major newspaper
“Still on the pirates thing? Well, arrrh!” -Mike Huckabee
“Pirates are very popular among young people. Are Perry’s and Christie’s comments about pirate hats yet another example of Republicans problems with Millennials?” -Chuck Todd
“Pirates’ surprisingly progressive attitudes on issues of homosexuality: A Vox Explainer” -Vox
“Pirate Hats: Rick Perry and The GOP take anti-gay rhetoric to an extreme, targeting groups sympathetic to homosexuals.” -Salon
“The most common pirates today are Somalis. It’s telling that suddenly so many Republicans are going out of their way to denigrate pirates and pirate hats. If we’re being honest, it seems like a dog-whistle assault of Africans and, by extension, African-Americans” -Melissa Harris-Perry
“Can Trump win the black vote?” -Politico
“Why Trump cannot win the black vote, in 15 charts.” -Vox
“Wolf, I’m standing outside a polling place for the Iowa Caucus tonight and I’ve gotta tell you, we may not need an exit poll at all, based on the number of Republicans I’ve seen going in wearing pirate hats.” -Some CNN Reporter
“Arrh! Trump!!!” -Heard in the background of CNN report.
{This post had a critical assist from Burt Likko}
High quality. The Vox ones were the best.Report
Noticeably lacking was the SoCon preference for Ninjas. -The American Conservative.Report
Two words: Space. Awesome.Report
I was privileged to read this in an earlier draft before publication and laughed hard enough that my paralegal figured out I was avoiding work. @will-truman perfectly captures the nonsense on stilts flavor of the campaign to date. Justice demands that this post go viral.Report
It is not often I read a post where my #1 takeaway is a childish jealousy that I was not the person who wrote it. This is fantastic and fishing hilarious from start to finish.
It might well be the world’s first-ever perfect political blog post.Report
It is not often I read a post where my #1 takeaway is a childish jealousy that I was not the person who wrote it.
It happens to me all the time, but usually it’s something by Dave Barry. This was even funnier.Report
Holy mother of God(ess?) I laughed so hard I almost spilled my tea.Report
“almost spilled my tea.” Geez do you have to flaunt how liberal you are with such statements?Report
Next you’ll be telling us your tea ruined your moleskine notebookReport
Black: his gloves of finest mole,
Black: his codpiece made of metal,
His horse is blacker than a hole,
His pot is blacker than his kettle.
Report
Neoliberalish. Does it help that it’s corporate rasberry ice tea drunk out of a Wells Fargo mug?Report
Sure it helps you….but how many other have to suffer for your corporate mug and industrial ice tea.Report
Probably not enough. *sip*Report
Oh, iced tea – real Southern heartland stuff. Why didn’t you say so?Report
The Long Island Iced Tea, however, does lead to more in your face New York “attitude” though.Report
“Wolf, I’m standing outside a polling place for the Iowa Caucus tonight and I’ve gotta tell you, we may not need an exit poll at all, based on the number of Republicans I’ve seen going in wearing pirate hats.” -Some CNN Reporter
I am almost sure those words will be uttered Monday evening. I’d put money on it.Report
Excellent. Glad no one was around me as I laughed about this in the office.Report
Sarcasm is best when it reflects truth well. Nicely done guys.Report
This is amazing Will.Report