On Opposite Day, we do our best to argue in service of a position that, under normal circumstances, we argue against. Coke people might sing the praises of Pepsi, Cat people might talk about why Dogs make for superior pets, Political Types might put forward the position that is usually held by their opponents. After all, *ANYONE* can beat up a strawman. Here is the kickoff post for the symposium. Here is a list of all the posts so far.
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[Note: The rules of Opposite Day aside, everything you are about to read is absolutely, positively, 100% true… in the sense that I didn’t make any of it up. Not a word. What you see below, Dear Reader is an amalgam of “pick-up” maneuvers I have actually witnessed throughout my years of working at or hanging out at local watering holes, or it is actual advice I have been given by guys at said watering holes . Every single one of them. Really. – tk]
by “The Lady Killer”
Hey you! Yes, you!
Are you tired of spending lonely nights at home by yourself, wishing you had a woman to keep you company? Do you see other guys out on the town with a babe on each arm and find yourself wonder, “How does that guy do it?” Are you ready to stop being a Wimpy Wes, and start being a Studly Steve?
Is it time, in other words, for you to become a Pick-Up Artist?
Well, today is your lucky day!
For less money than you spend for a coffee a day, you can subscribe to my monthly email newsletter, Playa’ In the Hoooouse!!! My newsletter will let you know all the tricks of the trade from highly successful pick-up artists like myself, The Lady Killer! We have tons of satisfied customers, and you too can join their ranks.
Maybe you’re looking for that “special someone” to share your life with. Maybe you want to bed fashion models you’ve just met at parties. Maybe you want to find a “special someone” to share your life with and then secretly bed fashion models you’ve just met at parties. Those are all admirable goals. But before you can walk across the threshold to that proverbial Penthouse Suite you first need to know how to get your foot in the door jam. You know that if you can just get the ladies into your apartment long enough to hear the sweet, seductive tones of Kenny G, nature will surely take its course – but how do you get them to initially agree to come up and hear your Breathless album? How do you even meet them?
With my very special Holiday Time offer, I’m going to share with you Lady Killer’s Three Mega-Rules of Picking Up Women in Bars. Normally a $299 value, I’m giving them to you today free of charge. They’re my holiday gift to you. Take them; learn them; use them. When you see what Playa’ In the Hoooouse!!! can do for your “kill ratio” I’m confident you’ll sign up for a year’s subscription!
Just remember, using Lady Killer’s rules can be risky: if you have an apartment full of ladies fighting over the privilege of bedding you every night, don’t say you we didn’t warn you!
Mega-Rule #1: It Pays to Advertise!!!
What do Axe for Men, Goldline, and Sticky Buddy all know that you don’t? They know this: The power of highly visible, in-your-face advertising can really make up for shitty, shitty products. This lesson – the lesson that every successful Madison Avenue exec knows – can also be applied to meeting women. If you’re not advertising, you’re losing business to someone who is.
When you walk into a bar, you want women to know you mean business – and you don’t want her to have any doubt what kind of “business” you want to be doing later that night, if you catch my drift. (I mean having sex!) That’s why you’ll want to be sure to wear a tee shirt with a quick quip that speaks volumes. Women love men who wear novelty tee shirts advertising their sexual prowess – especially if they’ve never met that man before.
But Lady Killer, I hear you ask, which of the many, many novelty tee shirts available on-line should I buy before heading out for an evening on the town? Great question!
In my humble onion, you absolutely want the shirt to show the ladies that you have a great sense of humor. (Studies show women love witty men!) When looking at funny novelty tee shirts, there are two routes that you might want to go: the I’m Not Terribly Responsible route, or the I’m A Ladies Man route. Different pick-up artists have different opinions about which is best, but as far as I’m concerned either message is a winner.
The Not Responsible route allows for the most creativity. Sure, you can certainly be overt about your irresponsibility – but any messaging that suggests you don’t think before you speak is fine. So while Beer Pong Champion and Totally Baked tees obviously fit the bill, so do I Fart on the First Date and If I Give You a Quarter Will You Go Back to Mexico. If you decide to go Ladies Man, there are tons of solid options. But some of my personal favorites include: Federal Panty Inspector – Let’s See Yours!, Female Body Inspector, I Like to Get Drunk and Hump Things, or – if you really want the gals lining up for a night at Club You– just walk in the joint rockin’ this bad boy:
Once you introduce yourself to the lucky lady you’ll want to be sure to ask them if they noticed your tee shirt every five minutes or so, just to make sure they don’t forget you’re wearing it.
Mega-Rule #2: You Must Have a Pick-Up Line!!!
Whether that hot blond in the corner is looking for a future husband or a one-night “trip around the word,” there’s one skill set she’ll absolutely insist on you possessing: The ability to memorize a single sentence that you repeat to every woman you meet throughout the course of an evening. There are many you can use, of course. Some of the most successful include:
“Do you have a map? I just got lost in your eyes.”
“Can I see your label? I want to see if you were made in Heaven.”
“Hi, I’m with the Gynecological Police – I’m going to have to ask you to spread ‘em.”
“I wish you were a pony carousel outside Walmart, so I could ride you for a quarter.”
“Hi. I make more money that you can spend.”
Feel free to use any of the above or create one of your own, but be sure to remember this most important step: If the woman you approached does not respond positively, it is very important that you then repeat the exact same line to each of her friends until one of them responds the way you were hoping. Never waste a perfectly good pick-up line.
Mega-Rule #3: Remember Your ABCs – Always. Be. Closing.
Has the woman you’ve approached thrown her drink at you or punched you in the face yet? If not, you’re halfway there already! Studies that I just made up show that if they haven’t called the bouncer over yet, they’ll agree to sleep with you about 10% of the time. Because of this, you’ll want to play “the numbers game” to make the math work in your favor.
Ask the woman if she wants to come back to your place relatively quickly – say, within the first five minutes of meeting her. If she says No initially, don’t worry. Remember, that just means you’re nine times away from getting a Yes. Over the next fifteen to twenty minutes, you’ll want to ask nine more times. (Lady Killer Bonus Tip: Use a bar napkin to tally the number of times you’ve asked so you don’t lose track!)
On the off chance she says no each of the ten times, it’s time to move on to the next woman – preferably one that’s standing nearby, such as her friend. If it is her friend, however, you want to be careful here – it’s possible having been shot down ten times in front of other people might make you look bad, so you’ll need a little misdirection. I recommend suggesting to the woman who refused your advances that she might be a lesbian.
(Caution: As hard to believe as this might sound, this can actually offend some women! So you’ll want to follow your statement by letting her and her friends know how sexy you think lesbians are, and how much you like watching lesbian porn.)
If you’ve gone through all three rules and have come up empty, fear not. There are a lot of women left in the bar! Repeat each step with every one – but be sure to drink to excess throughout the evening as you do so. Women love a man that can hold their liquor!
If this still doesn’t work, then it might be time to move on to Lady Killer’s Advanced Maneuvers. You can learn them by subscribing to my newsletter! (BTW, my newsletter makes a great gift!)
Until then, happy hunting, fellow Pick-Up Artists!
Sadly, I know people like this.Report
“Hi. I make more money that you can spend.”
Oh, that’s awesome.Report
Magnificent.Report
Just for clarity – and I know, you were perfectly clear at the beginning – someone has tried or suggested asking the same woman ten times?Report
Well, if the chance she’ll she yes is one out of ten, and you ask ten times…Report
Exactly. That’s why I’m looking for confirmation. To think I was 9 tries away so many times….
(OK, 7-8 tries)….Report
I suspect that in asking women out at a bar/club, the probabilities work more like those in the Monty Hall problem. In other words, after your first try, you should always switch.Report
Switch your choice, but keep the same pickup line. I mean, it’s a well known fact that a 10% chance over a range of ten trials = a gotdam sure thing. It’s mathematics!Report
When I was in high school, I had a friend that would hang out at the local miniature golf park (really!), and ask every girl “Hey, how ’bout it?” About one in forty would take him up on that eloquent offer.
He was our hero. He had the persistence, balls, and shamelessness to approach dozens of girls, and risk getting slapped (which occurred considerably more frequently than one in forty encounters).Report
Was his name Boomhauer?Report
I was thinking the exact same thing.Report
I’ve been assuming he’s your neighbor.Report
No, but I see him at Whataburger all the time.Report
Or Mark Knopfler?Report
Chris-chan should take notes.Report
I laughed out loud reading this. Brings back memories of the bar scene.Report
Alriiiight. Office Christmas party is tonight I am glad I got to read this, so I can be prepared.Report
Lord, I am glad I am married.Report
Tell me about it! It’s a great relief to not have to
do this stuffwatch guys behave this way anymore!ReportI am not married and avoid watching guys behave like this by not going to meat bars or clubs.Report
Will and I recently discussed the mainstreaming of dating sites. That was how I met my wife, back when it still smelled a little bit like desperation. Nowadays if I was single that would completely replace bars for me. It makes dating about 100 times easier.Report
Internet dating still seems like a really strange thing to me, but I’ll chalk that up to my age and upbringing. I know a number of people who met their spouses through dating sites and are very happily married. I guess the real story is that some people are well suited for being happy together, and the mechanism that brings them together is nothing more than that, just a mechanism for bringing them together.Report
It’s been a few years since I’ve tried internet or non-internet dating, but even by then, internet dating had become rather more difficult than it was a decade ago, because so many people do it. That said, it’s still easier to meet people through internet dating sites, but I actually think it makes the dating itself more difficult (I’ll qualify this: if you’re meeting people in bars/clubs, and looking for more than a couple dates, then you are doing it the most difficult way possible). In my experience, at least, when I’ve met a woman offline, that first meeting takes care of much of what ends up being the first date or two with people I’ve met through dating sites (and that’s with phone conversations preceding the internet-initiated dates). Plus, you know exactly what they look like, how they carry themselves, etc., all that stuff that you can only really get through in-person interactions, before going on a date. Those are important, if only because knowing them removes a certain amount of anxiety and uncertainty from the first date.Report
A-freakin-men.Report
I can a friend who did the whole PUA thing. It was nauseating. Ironically, I met more women making fun of his approach than he did with his approach.Report
Pays to be the wing man sometimes.Report
You forgot this gemReport
I think of that one being more the kind of thing you’d wear out with your spouse after you settled down.Report
You know, that’s one area where we gays won’t ever be able to match you hets. Wear that shirt with pride, knowing your ability proclaim familiarity with certain Physical Acts of Love is yours alone.Report
As a woman, who’s spent countless evenings in bars while her man was up on the stage:
1. buy her a drink.
2. buy her another drink. Tell her how she reminds you of your sister, with that smile and laugh or something, even if she doesn’t or you don’t have a sister.
3. buy her a third drink. ask about her job, even though you’ll have to listen to her answer, and then tell her how much you respect what she does.
4. if there’s dancing, buy her another drink and ask her to dance.
5. By this time, she should be too drunk to drive herself home or have sound judgement. Now it’s time to make your move, ask her if she’d like to come home and see your orchard collection.
Four drinks, at $5/pop — $20. Cheaper then alimony.Report
Wow, that’s some calculated coldblooded predator move, right there.Report
see your orchard collection
“Orchid collection”, or do you have to own a ton of property?Report
Two plants, purchased at Whole Foods or Trader Joe’s or whatever.
Anything more than one constitutes a collection to someone who’s drunk.Report
/and yes, orchid, not orchard. I do own an orchard collection I suppose; there’s one in my back yard; one on the farm I grew upon, which I own jointly with my mother. Were I a PUA, either orchard or orchid collection would work; though I think it atypical.
Thank you!Report
If you say “orchid collection” and she says “What are you, a gofer for a fat guy who never leavers the house?” she’s a keeper.Report
That must mean your name’s Archie.
And she’s Veronica?Report
I’m thinking Betty. Veronica needs a keeper.Report
But I so like this Veronica.Report
Line that was actually used on me
Don’t I know you from somewhere? (bad start right? wait it gets worse)
I do! I’ve seen you in my dreams.Report
use of mace is authorized in this case.Report
Don’t I know you from somewhere?
I find myself saying something like this fairly often, not as a pick-up line, but because when meeting a person for the first time, there’s about a 50/50 chance that he or she will look very familiar to me. As best I can figure it, there’s only so much variation among different people’s facial configurations, and once you’ve seen enough samples, everyone starts to look like someone you’ve seen before.
That line they feed you in kindergarten about everyone being special? It’s bunk. Everyone’s just a bad Xerox of someone else.Report
I do! I’ve seen you in my dreams.
“And you’ve seen me in yours as well, right? I mean, just look at me! No!, don’t turn your head. Lookame!”Report
Greginak can I get that mace nowReport
“I’m glad I brought my library card… ‘CAUSE I’M CHECKIN’ YOU OUT!” is a favorite in our household.Report
If we were on Star Trek your phasers would be set to “STUNNING”!Report
Gentlemen, please understand that I say this with love and solidarity.Report
If we were on Star Trek your phasers would be set to “STUNNING”!
“Hey baby, you ready for me to beam you up?”
No, that’s too much.
“Errr, can I show you my dilithium crystals?”Report
Re: #1, T-shirts? I’m sticking with the tried and true classic – look at my Striped Shirt!Report
Any time I see a post begin with the phrase “Hey you!” I think of this. And it’s fun.Report
I thought of this, which is a little outdated now, but was pretty damn funny during the election.Report
The second Madness link in a week! Burt, I knew there was a reason I liked you.Report
I think the ultimate pick up line is still, “nice shoes, wanna f***?”
A friend of mine always wanted a guy to use that line on her, because, dammit, they were nice shoes!Report
When I was in college, a friend of mine and I used to comment that you could always tell how close the evening was to winding down by the frequency with which someone would play Peter Gabriel’s “In Your Eyes”. The later the evening, the higher the level of desperation, the more times per hour the song was played.Report
I once saw a guy who went out at Christmas with a bunch of mistletoe tied to the front of his belt.Report
Kill it with fire!Report
On future outings to houses filled with players; I suggest a good offense, Harry Potter style:
http://www.ecouterre.com/real-life-invisibility-cloak-claims-to-make-soldiers-virtually-undetectable/?preview=true
(Is it possible to post that photo here?)Report