Playa’ In the Hoooouse!!! : Lady Killer’s Guide to Picking Up Women at Bars
On Opposite Day, we do our best to argue in service of a position that, under normal circumstances, we argue against. Coke people might sing the praises of Pepsi, Cat people might talk about why Dogs make for superior pets, Political Types might put forward the position that is usually held by their opponents. After all, *ANYONE* can beat up a strawman. Here is the kickoff post for the symposium. Here is a list of all the posts so far.
[Note: The rules of Opposite Day aside, everything you are about to read is absolutely, positively, 100% true… in the sense that I didn’t make any of it up. Not a word. What you see below, Dear Reader is an amalgam of “pick-up” maneuvers I have actually witnessed throughout my years of working at or hanging out at local watering holes, or it is actual advice I have been given by guys at said watering holes . Every single one of them. Really. – tk]
by “The Lady Killer”
Hey you! Yes, you!
Are you tired of spending lonely nights at home by yourself, wishing you had a woman to keep you company? Do you see other guys out on the town with a babe on each arm and find yourself wonder, “How does that guy do it?” Are you ready to stop being a Wimpy Wes, and start being a Studly Steve?
Is it time, in other words, for you to become a Pick-Up Artist?
Well, today is your lucky day!
For less money than you spend for a coffee a day, you can subscribe to my monthly email newsletter, Playa’ In the Hoooouse!!! My newsletter will let you know all the tricks of the trade from highly successful pick-up artists like myself, The Lady Killer! We have tons of satisfied customers, and you too can join their ranks.
Maybe you’re looking for that “special someone” to share your life with. Maybe you want to bed fashion models you’ve just met at parties. Maybe you want to find a “special someone” to share your life with and then secretly bed fashion models you’ve just met at parties. Those are all admirable goals. But before you can walk across the threshold to that proverbial Penthouse Suite you first need to know how to get your foot in the door jam. You know that if you can just get the ladies into your apartment long enough to hear the sweet, seductive tones of Kenny G, nature will surely take its course – but how do you get them to initially agree to come up and hear your Breathless album? How do you even meet them?
With my very special Holiday Time offer, I’m going to share with you Lady Killer’s Three Mega-Rules of Picking Up Women in Bars. Normally a $299 value, I’m giving them to you today free of charge. They’re my holiday gift to you. Take them; learn them; use them. When you see what Playa’ In the Hoooouse!!! can do for your “kill ratio” I’m confident you’ll sign up for a year’s subscription!
Just remember, using Lady Killer’s rules can be risky: if you have an apartment full of ladies fighting over the privilege of bedding you every night, don’t say you we didn’t warn you!
Mega-Rule #1: It Pays to Advertise!!!
What do Axe for Men, Goldline, and Sticky Buddy all know that you don’t? They know this: The power of highly visible, in-your-face advertising can really make up for shitty, shitty products. This lesson – the lesson that every successful Madison Avenue exec knows – can also be applied to meeting women. If you’re not advertising, you’re losing business to someone who is.
When you walk into a bar, you want women to know you mean business – and you don’t want her to have any doubt what kind of “business” you want to be doing later that night, if you catch my drift. (I mean having sex!) That’s why you’ll want to be sure to wear a tee shirt with a quick quip that speaks volumes. Women love men who wear novelty tee shirts advertising their sexual prowess – especially if they’ve never met that man before.
But Lady Killer, I hear you ask, which of the many, many novelty tee shirts available on-line should I buy before heading out for an evening on the town? Great question!
In my humble onion, you absolutely want the shirt to show the ladies that you have a great sense of humor. (Studies show women love witty men!) When looking at funny novelty tee shirts, there are two routes that you might want to go: the I’m Not Terribly Responsible route, or the I’m A Ladies Man route. Different pick-up artists have different opinions about which is best, but as far as I’m concerned either message is a winner.
The Not Responsible route allows for the most creativity. Sure, you can certainly be overt about your irresponsibility – but any messaging that suggests you don’t think before you speak is fine. So while Beer Pong Champion and Totally Baked tees obviously fit the bill, so do I Fart on the First Date and If I Give You a Quarter Will You Go Back to Mexico. If you decide to go Ladies Man, there are tons of solid options. But some of my personal favorites include: Federal Panty Inspector – Let’s See Yours!, Female Body Inspector, I Like to Get Drunk and Hump Things, or – if you really want the gals lining up for a night at Club You– just walk in the joint rockin’ this bad boy:
Once you introduce yourself to the lucky lady you’ll want to be sure to ask them if they noticed your tee shirt every five minutes or so, just to make sure they don’t forget you’re wearing it.
Mega-Rule #2: You Must Have a Pick-Up Line!!!
Whether that hot blond in the corner is looking for a future husband or a one-night “trip around the word,” there’s one skill set she’ll absolutely insist on you possessing: The ability to memorize a single sentence that you repeat to every woman you meet throughout the course of an evening. There are many you can use, of course. Some of the most successful include:
“Do you have a map? I just got lost in your eyes.”
“Can I see your label? I want to see if you were made in Heaven.”
“Hi, I’m with the Gynecological Police – I’m going to have to ask you to spread ‘em.”
“I wish you were a pony carousel outside Walmart, so I could ride you for a quarter.”
“Hi. I make more money that you can spend.”
Feel free to use any of the above or create one of your own, but be sure to remember this most important step: If the woman you approached does not respond positively, it is very important that you then repeat the exact same line to each of her friends until one of them responds the way you were hoping. Never waste a perfectly good pick-up line.
Mega-Rule #3: Remember Your ABCs – Always. Be. Closing.
Has the woman you’ve approached thrown her drink at you or punched you in the face yet? If not, you’re halfway there already! Studies that I just made up show that if they haven’t called the bouncer over yet, they’ll agree to sleep with you about 10% of the time. Because of this, you’ll want to play “the numbers game” to make the math work in your favor.
Ask the woman if she wants to come back to your place relatively quickly – say, within the first five minutes of meeting her. If she says No initially, don’t worry. Remember, that just means you’re nine times away from getting a Yes. Over the next fifteen to twenty minutes, you’ll want to ask nine more times. (Lady Killer Bonus Tip: Use a bar napkin to tally the number of times you’ve asked so you don’t lose track!)
On the off chance she says no each of the ten times, it’s time to move on to the next woman – preferably one that’s standing nearby, such as her friend. If it is her friend, however, you want to be careful here – it’s possible having been shot down ten times in front of other people might make you look bad, so you’ll need a little misdirection. I recommend suggesting to the woman who refused your advances that she might be a lesbian.
(Caution: As hard to believe as this might sound, this can actually offend some women! So you’ll want to follow your statement by letting her and her friends know how sexy you think lesbians are, and how much you like watching lesbian porn.)
If you’ve gone through all three rules and have come up empty, fear not. There are a lot of women left in the bar! Repeat each step with every one – but be sure to drink to excess throughout the evening as you do so. Women love a man that can hold their liquor!
If this still doesn’t work, then it might be time to move on to Lady Killer’s Advanced Maneuvers. You can learn them by subscribing to my newsletter! (BTW, my newsletter makes a great gift!)
Until then, happy hunting, fellow Pick-Up Artists!