Playa’ In the Hoooouse!!! : Lady Killer’s Guide to Picking Up Women at Bars

Tod Kelly

Tod is a writer from the Pacific Northwest. He is also serves as Executive Producer and host of both the 7 Deadly Sins Show at Portland's historic Mission Theatre and 7DS: Pants On Fire! at the White Eagle Hotel & Saloon. He is  a regular inactive for Marie Claire International and the Daily Beast, and is currently writing a book on the sudden rise of exorcisms in the United States. Follow him on Twitter.

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56 Responses

  1. M.A. says:

    Sadly, I know people like this.Report

  2. Patrick Cahalan says:

    “Hi. I make more money that you can spend.”

    Oh, that’s awesome.Report

  3. Pinky says:

    Just for clarity – and I know, you were perfectly clear at the beginning – someone has tried or suggested asking the same woman ten times?Report

  4. Just Me says:

    I laughed out loud reading this. Brings back memories of the bar scene.Report

  5. Reformed Republican says:

    Alriiiight. Office Christmas party is tonight I am glad I got to read this, so I can be prepared.Report

  6. Mike Dwyer says:

    Lord, I am glad I am married.Report

    • Burt Likko in reply to Mike Dwyer says:

      Tell me about it! It’s a great relief to not have to do this stuff watch guys behave this way anymore!Report

      • NewDealer in reply to Burt Likko says:

        I am not married and avoid watching guys behave like this by not going to meat bars or clubs.Report

      • Mike Dwyer in reply to Burt Likko says:

        Will and I recently discussed the mainstreaming of dating sites. That was how I met my wife, back when it still smelled a little bit like desperation. Nowadays if I was single that would completely replace bars for me. It makes dating about 100 times easier.Report

        • James Hanley in reply to Mike Dwyer says:

          Internet dating still seems like a really strange thing to me, but I’ll chalk that up to my age and upbringing. I know a number of people who met their spouses through dating sites and are very happily married. I guess the real story is that some people are well suited for being happy together, and the mechanism that brings them together is nothing more than that, just a mechanism for bringing them together.Report

        • Chris in reply to Mike Dwyer says:

          It’s been a few years since I’ve tried internet or non-internet dating, but even by then, internet dating had become rather more difficult than it was a decade ago, because so many people do it. That said, it’s still easier to meet people through internet dating sites, but I actually think it makes the dating itself more difficult (I’ll qualify this: if you’re meeting people in bars/clubs, and looking for more than a couple dates, then you are doing it the most difficult way possible). In my experience, at least, when I’ve met a woman offline, that first meeting takes care of much of what ends up being the first date or two with people I’ve met through dating sites (and that’s with phone conversations preceding the internet-initiated dates). Plus, you know exactly what they look like, how they carry themselves, etc., all that stuff that you can only really get through in-person interactions, before going on a date. Those are important, if only because knowing them removes a certain amount of anxiety and uncertainty from the first date.Report

  7. Kazzy says:

    I can a friend who did the whole PUA thing. It was nauseating. Ironically, I met more women making fun of his approach than he did with his approach.Report

  8. zic says:

    As a woman, who’s spent countless evenings in bars while her man was up on the stage:

    1. buy her a drink.

    2. buy her another drink. Tell her how she reminds you of your sister, with that smile and laugh or something, even if she doesn’t or you don’t have a sister.

    3. buy her a third drink. ask about her job, even though you’ll have to listen to her answer, and then tell her how much you respect what she does.

    4. if there’s dancing, buy her another drink and ask her to dance.

    5. By this time, she should be too drunk to drive herself home or have sound judgement. Now it’s time to make your move, ask her if she’d like to come home and see your orchard collection.

    Four drinks, at $5/pop — $20. Cheaper then alimony.Report

  9. Anne says:

    Line that was actually used on me

    Don’t I know you from somewhere? (bad start right? wait it gets worse)

    I do! I’ve seen you in my dreams.Report

    • greginak in reply to Anne says:

      use of mace is authorized in this case.Report

    • Brandon Berg in reply to Anne says:

      Don’t I know you from somewhere?

      I find myself saying something like this fairly often, not as a pick-up line, but because when meeting a person for the first time, there’s about a 50/50 chance that he or she will look very familiar to me. As best I can figure it, there’s only so much variation among different people’s facial configurations, and once you’ve seen enough samples, everyone starts to look like someone you’ve seen before.

      That line they feed you in kindergarten about everyone being special? It’s bunk. Everyone’s just a bad Xerox of someone else.Report

    • Stillwater in reply to Anne says:

      I do! I’ve seen you in my dreams.

      “And you’ve seen me in yours as well, right? I mean, just look at me! No!, don’t turn your head. Lookame!”Report

  10. Jaybird says:

    “I’m glad I brought my library card… ‘CAUSE I’M CHECKIN’ YOU OUT!” is a favorite in our household.Report

  11. Kolohe says:

    Re: #1, T-shirts? I’m sticking with the tried and true classic – look at my Striped Shirt!Report

  12. Burt Likko says:

    Any time I see a post begin with the phrase “Hey you!” I think of this. And it’s fun.Report

  13. I think the ultimate pick up line is still, “nice shoes, wanna f***?”

    A friend of mine always wanted a guy to use that line on her, because, dammit, they were nice shoes!Report

  14. mark boggs says:

    When I was in college, a friend of mine and I used to comment that you could always tell how close the evening was to winding down by the frequency with which someone would play Peter Gabriel’s “In Your Eyes”. The later the evening, the higher the level of desperation, the more times per hour the song was played.Report

  15. Matty says:

    I once saw a guy who went out at Christmas with a bunch of mistletoe tied to the front of his belt.Report

  16. zic says:

    On future outings to houses filled with players; I suggest a good offense, Harry Potter style:

    (Is it possible to post that photo here?)Report