The mists of the Absolute were in turmoil. Lightning rent the infinite void. Shiva the Destroyer — always the flightiest of the trimurti — was divinely pissed off.
“Those wretched heathens! I can’t believe their temerity!”
“Oh,” said Brahma the Creator. “Them again.” He barely raised an eyelid.
“They’re holding an Apocalypse. Next fucking week,” said Shiva. He opened a newspaper and read:
A California-based Christian radio network is using the Internet, thousands of billboards and even RV caravans to warn of overwhelming evidence that Judgment Day will arrive May 21.
The message is being spread by Family Stations, a 53-year-old non-profit, non-commercial, Christian radio network with 66 outlets. The billboards — 1,200 in the USA and 2,000 worldwide — do not mince words, promising in splashy colors: “The Bible guarantees it!”
“That’s funny,” said Brahma. “I don’t recall reading anything of the sort.”
Shiva was in no mood for exegesis. “Do you have any idea how much work it is to put on a Christian-style Apocalypse?” he asked.
Vishnu the Sustainer set down a cup of saffron-infused tea. “Do you have any idea how much work I’m doing right this moment?” he answered. “You think it’s easy to perpetuate infinite Being?”
Truth be told, Vishnu looked the very model of vigor, virtù , vim, virility, valor, and virya. Not, in other words, tired.
“I hate it when Christians insist on doing the Apocalypse their way,” said Shiva. “All that brimstone. It’s just… nasty.”
“Maybe you’ll have better luck next age,” said Vishnu. “What did you expect from the Kali Yuga?”
“Or maybe it’s not going to happen at all,” said Brahma. “There are ample reasons to be skeptical. Remember that weird spate of reporting about mass animal deaths at the beginning of the year? Remember St. Malachy and all the doomsday nonsense when JPII kicked it? It’s just an oddity of intellectual life in Christian culture: Every age has some people saying ‘now is the time.'”
“Every age? Try every other week,” said Vishnu. “And I, of anyone, should know how foolish they’re being. I would commend to them the fine example of the Jews, who almost never panic merely for fun.”
“Panic’s only fun when it’s just for pretend,” said Brahma.
“What makes you think,” asked Vishnu, “that the Christian god is going to pull the plug this time in particular? As opposed to all the other times in Creation when he hasn’t?
“I don’t know,” said Shiva. “I guess… it was on FM radio? During the daytime?” He paused. “I mean, everybody knows you can’t trust those AM stations anymore. But this guy Harold Camping…. he was… he was in stereo.”
“Perhaps we should consult the evidence,” said Brahma. And he read:
The saved, who are indwelt with the Spirit of God and compare Scripture with Scripture, can know things which the natural man cannot know. But the natural/unsaved man cannot know the day and hour of Christ?s return because that information is spiritually discerned.
In the Bible, the Lord divides mankind into two groups. He calls those He saves “wise” and “righteous” and those He does not save “fools” and “wicked”. The distinction has nothing to do with intelligence, human wisdom, or merit of any kind. One is wise if God has saved them and given them the Spirit of Christ. (Jesus is identified with Wisdom in the Bible) Those not saved are as fools/wicked because they do not possess Christ’s Spirit….
God is making a distinction. The wicked do not understand. The wise do understand by God’s grace and mercy.
“I see,” said Vishnu. “The information is spiritually discerned. If you want to be counted wise, then you must profess to understand and believe it. Your profession—in this case, your profession of doomsday—will be taken as proof of your wisdom. And if you can’t profess, you’re un-spiritual, un-saved, un-wise. Basically a poopyhead.”
“Very typical of religions in the West,” said Brahma. “No wonder western gods are afraid to show their faces. I would be too, with apologists like these.”
“There must be a numerology to it,” said Shiva. “Maybe that’s more reasonable?”
“Oh, there is,” said Brahma, reading further. “They reckon it’s been seven thousand years from the flood of Noah, and they’ve decided that that’s quite enough years for the story to have dragged along.”
Vishnu snorted. “If the beginning of the tale is self-evidently fictional, why are we supposed to believe the end? Seldom has anything more preposterous ever been committed to parchment than the story of Noah.”
“If you want more preposterous, I’d grant it’s hard to come by. But there’s always the Christian creation story,” said Brahma. “That one flatly contradicts itself. In chapter one, God creates plants on day three, man and woman on day six. In chapter two, God creates man first, then plants, then woman. But you can’t have it both ways.”
“You can if you’re a god,” said Shiva. “And that’s why I’m still worried. I may soon have a whole lot of very disagreeable work to do.”
“Mr. Camping would also have us believe, my dear Shiva, that we’re living in the Great Tribulation right this moment,” said Brahma. “And that it’s been going on since 1994. I mean, who knew? You’d think that if a god held a Tribulation, he could have made a better show of it.”
“He might have called us. Or at least sent a card,” said Shiva. “It seems very ill-mannered, doesn’t it?”
The trimurti browsed the Internet for a while in silence. Then Vishnu spotted something still more bizarre than anything they had heretofore uncovered.
“So why would Doomsday begin at the International Date Line? And why would it work its way around the planet, hour by hour, on a schedule set by Victorian astronomers?”
“Apparently God hates observatories,” said Brahma. “Or perhaps he hates the Maori, but I kind of doubt that one.”
“You know,” said Vishnu, “We’re overthinking this. At some point, every successful ideology just tidies up all the loose ends by thinking less about them. Everyone does it, and, sad to say, it works. Need to justify X? Find someone who believed it. Mutter something about your own human fallibility. Defer. Think less. And think it good and hard. And you’re done!”
“So that’s what Camping’s followers are doing?” asked Shiva. He looked worried again.
“They’re doing it harder than anyone now living,” said Vishnu.
“In other words, they really, really have faith,” said Shiva. “A faith to move mountains.” He paused. “And you know what that can do.”
“Indeed I know,” said Vishnu. Now he looked worried too.
“You’re not saying it’s going to happen after all,” said Brahma.
“Well, yes. Unless we do something to stop it,” said Vishnu. “But fortunately, I have a plan.”
He unrolled a giant map of the world. As in, really, really giant. The Sanskrit legend at the top, in characters a hundred miles high, read “THE MAP IS TOO THE TERRITORY.”
On it, he erased a single manmade line, first traced in 1884. Across the Pacific, the days bled into one another like ink in water. The International Date Line was no more.
“What now?” asked Shiva.
“Oh, it’ll be a fairly typical disconfirmation event,” said Vishnu. “Several things are possible. First, Family Radio may say they erred in their calculation — if so, they might reschedule the Rapture. They did it once before, when Camping said we’d go in 1994. Obviously we didn’t, hence May 21, 2011.
“They’re hardly the first sect to have such a problem, or to reschedule. The Millerites endured at least four reschedulings in a single two-year period. But that didn’t stop them. Oh no — they live on as the Seventh-Day Adventists.
“Second, Family Radio might try saying that the Rapture really did happen, and that believers are now in heaven. Just spiritually, not literally. This sounds silly, until you realize that the Jehovah’s Witnesses preach something very similar. They had their disconfirmation event in 1914, and to them that year marks the beginning of God’s kingdom on earth. Not the most auspicious year if you ask me, but it’s not my faith, as you both know.
“Third, they might try saying that God has spared the world from destruction, thanks to the faith of the true believers. Don’t laugh; that too has happened before.
“And fourth — I hear that not everyone at the Family Radio network is quite on board with their leader. A leadership coup could be imminent. Listening to the station is already a headbender of cognitive dissonance: They give advice about how to raise your kids. They talk openly about the future of the station. They ask for money. And they preach that the Rapture’s coming next week. It’s entirely possible they’ll simply ignore the big fat mistake they’ve just made.”
“Easily done, that last,” said Shiva. “Thanks to the format.”
“Stereo makes everything sound good,” said Brahma.
Well, that was easily the best blog post I read today. Douglas Adams himself would be hard-pressed to match it. Nicely done!Report
Excellent post, I laughed. I wonder if it might need a page break though, what with it being lengthy.Report
I had planned to extend Memorial Day weekend by taking May 26th and 27th off, but now I’m thinking I should move those days off up a week. Just to be safe.Report
I do believe that’s a fine chunk of writing there, good sir.Report
At first I was deeply amused and scornful of these people.
Ever since confirming that some of them have done things like quit nursing school, quit their jobs and spend all of their savings to the point that they will have nothing on the 21st while having two kids my perspective has changed.
I’m less amused 🙁Report
The whole piece was gold, but that line in particular was hilarious, kudos!Report
I’m going to commit that part about thinking less to memory! BRAVO!Report
Fantastic. Your dialogues are my favorite LOOG posts, and usually waht I use to refer people to the blog.Report
Too funny! Made my dull Friday (YAY!) morning far less dismal.
To the point where I had to put a link to this on Facebook.
Thanks for some good laughs!Report
Of course as usual the folks with their prediction ignore that inconvenient fellow Jesus Christ who is said to have said No man knows the day or hour in Mathew 24:36. But of course the religious right does it all the time, just keeping the quotes they want to keep. I believe it was also said that the end would come like a thief in the night in Luke 12. As usual if the facts do not conform to the theory the facts must be discarded.Report
No *MAN*.
Maybe chicks could figure it out.
Seriously, that’s how that one Nazghul guy bought it. The bad guy from Rock and Rule as well.Report
On his call in show, people have asked Camping repeatedly about that verse. His answer is by no means original: At the time Jesus said it, it was true. But it’s not true anymore; the seven seals on the Book have been opened, and we are now finally able to understand its true meaning.
Camping points to other verses suggesting that, in the end times, the true believers indeed will be able to “discern time and judgment.”
Taken together, these verses form a recipe for as many doomsday predictions and splinter cults as you like. Including Camping’s, all those before his, and all those to come, world without end, Amen.Report
that we’re living in the Great Tribulation right this moment,” said Brahma. “And that it’s been going on since 1994.
Finally, it all makes sense: the anti-Christ is Bud Selig.Report
the seven seals on the Book have been openedReport
The last incarnation of Vishnu, the Kalki avatar, will come in 2012, according to many reputable sources.
Xtian fundies are fun to mock, but cults come in all flavors.Report
My characters have all the biases you might expect them to have. I can’t deny it.Report
It’s cool. Needed to brush up on my Hindu eschatology anyway.Report
You’ll note the conspicuous absence of the trimuti in discussions of social class. Things get embarrassing in a hurry when they show up.Report
My trinity can beat your trinity.
Actually, I’d bet on the Trimurti in hand-to-hand combat. They got like at least 12 hands between them, sometimes more. The Trinity has 4 hands and a beak.
(Didn’t quite follow yr remark about class [caste?].)Report
(Didn’t quite follow yr remark about class [caste?].)
I only meant that traditional Hinduism is inextricably tied to the caste system, which is unconscionable.Report
When it comes to hands, beaks, etc. I’d put the Three Stooges up against both of y’all’s trinities. Entropy generally wins these things. Chaotic good.Report
What I don’t understand, Jason, is why you focus on the more loopy elements in the dominant religion in our country (and by focus, I mean post something about it once every few blue moons), but never, ever say anything about the craziness of religions that, while they might have small to nonexistent footprints in our country, are dominant in some other country halfway accross the world! It’s almost as if you’re biased towards writing about stuff that might actually affect you or your readers, which would be disappointing. I am looking forward to your posts on the silliness of fundamentalist New Guinea animism to rectify this.Report
Damn, I have a trip planned for two weeks after the rapture. I hope enough pilots are heathens that the flights don’t get canceled.Report
Did anyone see the picture of the controversial billboard that was recently put up by another spiritual group near Family Radio’s headquarters? It directly challenges them about May 21. Here is a picture of it:
http://www.flickr.com/photos/62779138@N08/5708063636Report
One of the things which has amazed and discouraged me over the past few decades is the g lie which is pre-millenial dispensationalism. They lie and lie and lie, for decades, and there are always people who’ll suck up the lie that The End is Nigh.Report
It’s not limited to Christianity. Iran is currently in the grips of Mehdi hysteria.Report
The difference is that the USA seems to be and have been strongly influenced by this crap for decades. One could start as a 20-year old preacher ranting about how we are in the End Times, and continue that until one was was too senile for one’s staff to allow out in public, and it’d be All Good.Report
Ecch, America’s religious kookery is in its DNA. But we’ve evolved a strategy for it, going back to William Penn. In a sense, it’s rather like a kid who never gets to play in good healthy dirt: he never gets exposed to all sorts of germs and therefore won’t develop the antibodies required for life in the open, if you will.
Look at the colonies that did well and those that didn’t. The famous Puritans at the Massachusetts Bay Colony were swallowed up by heathens. Each new imported kookery had to move farther west to achieve a sufficient level of isolation, culminating with the Mormon exodus. In time, each such experiment failed.
Iran is a different story. Once it had a thriving tradition of religious ferment, but the Boys from Qom have exterminated their Baha’i, persecuted their Sunni and Kurdish crypto-Zoroastrianism. Shiism only survives where it can oppress its own, they’re hated by most other Muslims for this reason.Report
I’ve been renting a room in the states so I can wake up early and teach my class and then spend all day in the library and collapse in a bed without having to drive two hours back home. Anyway, one of my roommates is an unemployed, alcoholic meathead who talks constantly and watches these religious programs all night long. Meanwhile, the landlord and everyone on the first floor are Scientologists. The two of them had a loud argument about this the other night, with the meathead rambling about how Muslims are the locusts in Revelations, which proves, according to him, that the Mayan calendar is correct and everything ends in 2012, which for some reason he thinks most Christians believe. The landlord, who he was actually screaming this information at, kept very calmly saying, “No, Dave (not his name), you don’t understand: next year is when the extra-terrestrials will reveal themselves to us.” They kept asking me what I thought and I said, “Hell, I don’t care. Either way, I’ll be saving the rent money.”
Anyway, this was very funny. I particularly liked “The map is too the territory”.Report