Fantasy Football: Week 10 (and Football Season open thread)

(This is another guest post from Dman!)

Thunderlips Rides the Rollercoaster to a Win!!!

In what looks to be the longest drop of the rollercoaster ride, Miss Mary forgot four Men and rode to the lowest score of the week and the season. This time coach Megan decided that if she could not have Matty Ice, Ice Baby playing she would have no one in the QB position. For the Express, it was a down week as well as only two players exceeded their projections, but by facing a team only playing 5, it was still enough for the Freak of the Week. With a restraining order on our reporter Tu Nosi, his brother Nu Tu Nosi waded through any angry crowd to speak with coach Dman.

Nu: Wow, coach solid win coach. How does it feel after last week’s loss?
Dman: It feels great! I do not care if the other team only had… what the!….Gah!!!
{The available player protest surges around coach Dman and they start to tear Dman’s clothes. He makes a desperate run for the nearby fence and climbs over. Though not before the shirt is ripped off his back.}
Nu: {Rushes to the fence} Coach, coach!
Dman: I will still waiver! You hear me!! This changes nothing!!! The waivers will still happen!!!! I need a tight end for week 11!
Nu: My goodness, are you okay coach? Also, what are your thoughts on Big Ben playing this week?
Dman: I will be counter suing Roethlisberger for faking an injury just to become part of this silly class action lawsuit against me. He played just fine this weekend.

Streak of the Week

The Left Shark Returned another strong performance and takes coach Burt’s winning streak to two weeks in a row. This week the Left Shark clipped the wings of the ProdigalAccipitridae. Coach Burt had another face Palmer as Carson beat the Bust, I mean the Best Quarterback on the Planet… again. For coach Jaybird, the Brees was not strong enough and and even the strong performance by Brandon was not enough and Jaybird’s goose was still Cooks. Tu pushed his way through the crowds to talk to coach Jaybird and Burt.

Tu: Coach.
Jaybird: Tu.
Tu: Feeling nihilistic again?
Jaybird: Yep.
Tu: Looks like you left 32 points on the bench.
Jaybird: Yep.
Tu: And even if coach Burt had reshuffled his bench optimally, he wouldn’t have been able to overcome that.
Jaybird: Nope.
Tu: And so you still have no idea how to make this Fantasy Football thing work.
Jaybird: Nope.
Tu: Sticking to monosyllables?
Jaybird: Yep.
Tu: I’m going to run off and interview the guy who beat you then. You mind?
Jaybird: Nope.

Tu: Coach, congratulations on the win. I … What’s with the video screen?
Burt: Videoconferencing. No league rule against it. Keeps the crowds of non-media folks (and process servers) safely separated from me. Use the microphone, please.
Tu: But we still have to deal with these shouting crowds!
Burt: Sounds like your problem.
Tu: Are you still really saying Aaron Rodgers is the best quarterback on the planet? The evidence suggests otherwise.
Burt: Well, the Best Quarterback On The Planet™ underperformed last week, but then again so did nearly everyone. Funky week. Yeah, Aaron’s still our guy.
Tu: But “the Best”? Well, what if you could trade for Brady? You’d play him instead, wouldn’t you?
Burt: What, Uffington’s got Brady on offer? That’s news to me.
Tu: Well, you picked up Danny Amendola on waivers this week. You must think Brady’s got some heat to bring.
Burt: What, are you in love with Tom Brady? You want him to pick you up and cuddle you, like a baby goat?
Tu: I don’t follow. My job is to ask you challenging questions, and —
Burt: — Maybe you want to share a ride on Tom Brady’s waterslide? Go dancing with him at Carnival?
Tu: Where is this coming from, Coach?
Burt: [Looks off camera] Oh, I’ve fulfilled it for this week? Good. See you next week, Mr. Baby Goat Reporter. [Disconnects videoconference.]
Tu: Wait, I… I guess that answers last week’s question about my nickname.

Squeak of the Weak

With only three players beating projections, the Vikings barely beat the Partisan Warriors. Yet this was enough as the Warriors, still divided by strife, left the real McCoy and the win on the bench. Maybe it was collusion by both coaches, but each team left their highest scoring running back on the bench.

Peak of the Week

Expected to win by 23 points, Uffington Horsemen were unhorsed again. As with many other teams this week, coach Bill only had two players score higher than projected and had five players score in single digits. Coach Timothy did his best Captain Jack Sparrow this week and rode three Dolphins to leave loser island that he was marooned on. Hopefully he did not use his back hair to make the rope used to lasso them. The last thing needed is a lawsuit by PETA this time. This helped the Undeflatermaus rise to the highest score of the week.

The Ouija Board

What a difference a week makes. The Highest score of this week would have lost to five teams last week. The reoccurring theme for most teams was only having two or three players beating expectation while the rest underperformed. The Ouija Board also had a bad week as one more team dropped from their projected wins and losses.

Thunderlips Express: 5 – 0 – (1) aka: The Anointed Ones
ProdigalAccipitridae: 5 – (1)
Minnesota Vikings: 2 – 1 – 1
Miss Mary’s Men: 2 – 2
Partisan Warriors: 3 – 0 – 1
Undeflatermaus: 1 – 3
Uffington Horsemen: 0 – 4
Return of Left Shark: (4) – 8 – 0

(Photo is “Rock Dennis tackles Taylor Wardlow” by John McStravick. Used under a Creative Commons License.)