Several years ago, rich people who summered on Martha’s Vineyard objected aggressively to the possibility of a wind farm being installed anywhere near their precious mansions. Electricity production is something for the poors to see, not them, and so under the guise of environmental objections, these rich people fought the proposal goldtooth-and-goldnail. The horrors of seeing some very small windmills way off in the distance was simply too overwhelming to comprehend and, as a result, very many fainting couches were fetched. Eventually, Cape Wind died. Way to go rich people.
This was wasted time though. The rich people were concerned only about themselves and their precious views of the Atlantic Ocean. How on earth could they possibly have stood around sockless in boat shoes if there were windmills anywhere within even ten miles of them? As the old saying goes, “A life spent sockless in boat shoes with windwills anywhere within even ten miles of you is a life not worth living.”
With Cape Wind gone, these heroic warriors have presumably stood down, victorious and relieved that all looming threats to their very existence has receded into the distance, smaller even that those turbines would have been. Now is a time for recovery. Those deep wounds must be given time to heal. Energy must be replenished.
Now is the time to strike, and although I can think of a litany of things that I’d like to happen to this particular bunch, it seems as if the Massachusetts Division of Fisheries and Wildlife’s “Bad Ideas Straight Out Of A B-Movie” Unit already has a better one: breed deadly timber rattlesnakes on an unoccupied island in the Quabbin Resevoir.
Like, literally, drop ten horny rattlesnakes onto an unoccupied island so that they can bone (?) their brains out. The resulting baby rattlesnakes will then repeat the process, until the island (Mount Zion) is just covered with deadly timber rattlesnakes, a species that has recently been in decline. The plan is essentially a recreation of Brazil’s famous Holy Shit This Is A Real Island That Really Exists Island.
The response to this plan has been less than enthusiastic, either because the plan doesn’t aggressively populate the island with enough snakes (snake enthusiasts are probably saying this, because they are gross people) or because there is something off-putting about the idea of an uninhabited island basically turning into something straight out of an Indiana Jones movie (everybody else IS saying this). That second part has one particular concerning element to it: Timber rattlesnakes can swim, especially in freshwater, so what is worrying people most is what happens after the orgy (a technical term used by professional herpetologists to describe snake-boning) is over.
This seems like an entirely reasonable thing to be worried about. As thoroughly documented in various documentaries, traveling snakes are among the most dangerous animals in the world. But although the herpetologist I spoke to, Beau Akonstrikter, did confirm that timber rattlesnakes could survive short swims in freshwater, he insisted that they were very unlikely to survive trips made in salt-water.
You can see where I’m going with this.
The rich people who sank Cape Wind did so because they claimed to care so much about environmental issues that they could not possibly stomach a wind farm being located nowhere near them. Residents in and around the Quabbin Resevoir are worried about these snakes and their ability to swim onto the mainland. The solution then is simple: We catapult the amorous timber rattlesnakes onto Martha’s Vineyard and then lock the doors behind them. Unfortunately, those on the island will be stuck there, probably forever, and while the snakes themselves will breed themselves to supremacy, they will not be able to escape, mostly because of the saltwater, but also because nobody will ever be allowed to travel to or from the island ever again.
Everybody wins!
Well, except for the rich people who will get killed by eaten whole by the rattlesnakes. But they’re the ones who loved nature so much that they stopped the construction of an entirely reasonable windfarm – surely to die by nature’s most horrifying predator will be as pleasing a way to go as can be imagined. By me. Because snakes are gross. And those people are grosser.
[Image via Wikipedia.]
First, I am excited about an American snake island, and plan to visit when they’ve had sufficient time to breed. Though I do feel bad for the island’s rat and mouse populations. Perhaps also the baby bunnies there.
Also, the golden lanceheads on Ilha da Queimada Grande are really interesting. I watched a documentary about the island once, and they are freaky and terrifying. A large number of the individuals are intersex, which means exactly what you’d think it means. They’re also spectacularly poisonous, perhaps the most deadly in the Americas. Basically, never go near that island.Report
From the Wikipedia link to the Brazilian snake island:
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I can think of no good reason not to firebomb this particular island.Report
After we find the hidden treasure.Report
Nuke it from orbit…Its the only way to be sureReport
Folks, I’m here to endorse Anne’s comments, and to be among the first to publicly endorse her run for President.Report
Ahem…from Chris’ comment, above: A large number of the individuals are intersex
So, sure, if you guys are cool with exterminating a bunch of likely genderqueer, trans, and gay-married snakes, I guess that’s your opinion, but it all seems a little harsh to me.Report
Just reiterating that you can’t make an omelette without breaking a few eggs.Report
Are we sure you know what the word endorsement means? And if we aren’t sure you know what the word endorsement means, can we be sure that you aren’t sure that you don’t know what the word endorsement means? Are you sure you didn’t mean indoors mint? It is entirely possibly you were talking about the LifeSavers you left on your counter this morning. As such, everything you have ever said is not only suspect but now entirely dismissed. Because that is the *only* possible way to read your comment here. Obviously.Report
Thanks @sam 🙂 I can’t be any worse than any of the current candidates right? Who wants to be in my cabinet? of course I’ll need a veep, and my Supreme Court Nominee @Burt LikkoReport
Well, sure, if you’re not worried about intelligent 100-foot long flying mutant rattlers.Report
Why, I’m beginning to suspect that this character you spoke to was not a real herpetologist at all!
https://youtu.be/gSc46sEZdl4Report
Gee Sam, tell us that you really think 🙂
In all seriousness, this is one of the problems with the kinds of environmental or land use regulation that give local governments veto power over the project. Groups that will ear costs from the project, even fi those cost are outweighed by the overall benefits, can often stymies a project, That is even easier if the group taking the hit are politically connected.
I’m not suggested a free-for-all mind you, but something with a bit less discretion for local government would be useful. My preferred approach would be something like a paying a fee to government for permission to build structures with negative externalities. The cost of different externalities can be set on a standardised scale, thereby reducing the opportunity for political manipulation.Report
Dude,
“Democracy” won in the Cape Wind deal. Are you AGAINST DEMOCRACY?!!???
All those dollar bills get to vote baby. “Murica!Report
Dude. You are cruel.
Yes, let’s go ahead and put rattlesnakes on an island full of Deaf People!
And people get upset when I use the technical term idiot.Report
You can’t make omelettes without breaking a few eggs.Report
And then Sam Jackson will move them all from the lowlands of down-island to hills of up-island, because he will be tired of the Martha’s Vineyard snakes on the Martha’s Vineyard plain.Report
*enthusiastic but politely restrained golf clap*Report
Basically, I’m imagining Martha’s Vineyard as this nightmare.Report
Martha’s Vineyard, America’s new death penalty system. Drop off the convicted at Squibnocket Point, and if they can make it to Oak Bluffs, they can have their sentence commuted.Report
Snakes might be dangerous but some of them are actually rather pretty and interesting as animals go.Report
It is precisely this sort of perfectly reasonable attitude that allows the snakes to continue plotting against us.Report
I worry more about the spiders, honestly.
One of them fell in my husband’s eye the other day. Or was that more deliberate…?
(Seriously, he gets necrotic bites from spiders. they do not heal.
If I see a spider in the house, it dies.)Report
That’s why we have Riki Tiki Tavi to help us.Report
That was just that one snake, that one time, and some people aren’t sure it was actually a snake. Eve had eaten some strange mushrooms earlier in the day, after all.Report
First, I must applaud and admit my immense envy of the writing style employed here, Good Sam. Truly funny stuff.
Perhaps engaging too seriously with the topic at hand, why exactly are we populating islands with snakes that would otherwise be extinct? I mean, I struggle to see how an isolated island of snakes contributes to the broader ecosystem. So why bother?
As to Martha’s Vineyard… well, it’s MARTHA’S Vineyard… not HIPPY’S Vineyard. Take your pachouli oils elsewhere, punk!Report
Though nothing I’ve read so far indicates this, I assume that they’re planning on letting them build a large enough population in the relative safety and isolation of the island to allow them to then transplant them into other areas of their natural range.Report
I’d imagine there’s also a desire to see if these monsters can survive at all?Report
Or maybe the scientists just want to build up a population to start the annual snake hunt.Report
I think the idea is restoring a population that died out and, to be fair, I may have slightly exaggerated the scientists stated goals. But apparently, Massachusetts once had timber rattlesnakes, and now they don’t. so the idea is getting back to the good old days of people getting eaten whole by snakes, I guess.Report
And Brazil?
Are we sure we want these monsters?
Because that is what they are. Monsters. Shouldn’t we be putting our conservation efforts to more palatable creatures? Like facehuggers?Report
Snakes are awesome. And I agree with your proposal.Report
Finally, a fellow snake-lover.
Snakes are objectively awesome.Report
I propose we make Sam change his handle to Jebediah Springfield.Report
Rattlesnakes are subjectively awesome……with barbeque sauce.Report