My how time flies. We’ve achieved WrestleMania XXXIII somehow when I wasn’t looking.
I watched WrestleMania III, believe it or not. Not there live at the venue, goodness no. But it was on Closed Circuit television and broadcast in various venues around the country live. My mom took me to one of the local places in… jeez… White Plains, New York? At a church or a school that had a gymnasium? They had people who sold merchandise at the front… I bought a WrestleMania III shirt (or Mom bought it). Given that I was 14, I quickly outgrew it… Ah, sigh. So many memories. But, yeah. I saw Hulk Hogan bodyslam André the Giant.
Anyway, this is the 30th Anniversary of WrestleMania III and we’re going to be watching it in comfy chairs on the modern equivalent of Closed Circuit television at my main man DMan’s house. I’ll be getting wings.
So, just like last year (and the year before that (jeez, just like 2011!), we’re going to be cheering, booing, and (I hope) going home happy.
So here are the matches (and predictions) in the order that the matches appear on the WrestleMania 33 wiki page.:
Once again, they open with matches that really ought to be on the card itself.
The Pre-Show:
Neville (Cruiserweight Champion) vs. Austin Aries for the belt.
This would be the match of the night, right here. I’m looking forward to this already. I’ll say that it’ll be Aries because he’s new, they’re opening the show, it’s always fun to open the show with a title change… the only thing that doesn’t make sense to me is that it’s heel vs. heel… ah, whatever. I’m still looking forward to this.
2017 André the Giant Memorial Battle Royal
This is where they reveal the big star for the next year. Keep your eye on whomever is going to win. I betcha you’ve rarely heard his name until he wins this.
The Show Itself:
Bray Wyatt (WWE Champion) vs. Randy Orton
Man, I hope Bray wins. He’s got a decent gimmick, he’s amazing on the microphone, and busts his butt in the ring despite like looking like just another fat guy. Randy Orton is… well, he’s Randy Orton.
I’m guessing Orton wins. It’s always fun to open the show with a title change.
Goldberg (WWE Universal Champion) vs. Brock Lesnar (with Paul Heyman)
@Asmuniz pointed out that this continues a storyline from 13 years ago. Feels like yesterday.
They’ve got a choice: Give Brock his win back… or rip away Brock’s bulletproof veneer and start having Brock lose to people like, sigh, Roman Reigns or something like that. But that creates a problem with Goldberg… who are you going to have Goldberg lose to? You’ll notice that he hasn’t had a match that lasted longer than 5 minutes yet. That’s *NOT* a vote of confidence in Goldberg’s wrestling ability. We’re left with the question of who beats the guy who wins this match?
Seems easier to find someone to beat Lesnar than Goldberg. So that’s my pick.
The Undertaker vs. Roman Reigns
Sigh.
Please, Undertaker. Beat Reigns. Don’t put him over. Please.
Seriously, I almost want to pick Reigns for this.
Let’s say “Undertaker”, though.
Seth Rollins vs. Triple H in a “Non-sanctioned” match.
SO PUT IT ON THE PRE-SHOW THEN
Anyway, Seth Rollins.
Shane McMahon vs. AJ Styles
Jeez. I could see Shane winning this. That would be dumb.
So I’m going to say Styles, because it makes sense that Styles, the wrestler, would win. It would not make sense to have Shane-o win when Shane-o only wrestles once a year. Who booked this crap?
(You just know that Shane’s going to win though. You just know it.)
Bayley (Raw Women’s Champion) vs. Charlotte Flair vs. Sasha Banks vs. Nia Jax
Charlotte is going to pin Sasha after Nia hits her finisher on Sasha.
It’ll be a good match but muddled in the middle.
Chris Jericho (US Champion) vs. Kevin Owens
If it’s a WrestleMania, you can bet that Chris Jericho will be doing a job!
So KO will win this one. Poor Jericho.
John Cena and Nikki Bella vs. The Miz and Maryse in a mixed tag team match.
Honestly, I’d rather just see Cena vs. the Miz and have Nikki and Maryse engage in a battle of wits outside the match involving Miz winning (because of Maryse cheating) until Nikki either beats Maryse up or gets her sent to the back. Ah, well. Nikki pins Maryse.
Dean Ambrose (Intercontinental Champion) vs. Baron Corbin
Baron Corbin has been growing on me. He still can’t talk, but he’s in “meh” territory rather than “what the heck?” territory. He’s not going to win this one, though.
If there’s a schmozz tonight, it’ll be in this match. This is a good enough feud that I can see them using this match as a way to get people to tune in next week to see what happens the next time that these two knuckleheads fight.
If that doesn’t happen, though, it’ll be Ambrose.
Luke Gallows and Karl Anderson (Raw Tag Team Champs) vs. Enzo Amore and Big Cass vs. Cesaro and Sheamus in a Ladder Match
Cesaro and Sheamus actually work as a team. Who’da thunk it? I will still boo Sheamus and cheer Cesaro, and I will still wish that Cesaro got a singles push… but, in the absence of that, their tag team isn’t that bad. They’ve managed to become interesting. More interesting than the Bullet Club, I’ll tell you that right now. (Though Gallows and Anderson have a great look.)
Enzo and Big Cass all the way. The roof will blow off the place.
And, finally, the match that *I* would have replaced with the Neville vs Aries match:
Alexa Bliss (Smackdown women’s champion) vs. Becky Lynch vs. Natalya vs. Mickie James vs. Carmella (with James Ellsworth) vs. Naomi
Ah, the six-woman non-elimination match. They’ve been pushing the James Ellsworth storylines pretty hard in the last few weeks… they seem to be popular… yeah, let’s pick Carmella. Then we could get another couple of weeks out of it.
Know this:
Most of my predictions every year are 100% dead wrong, so please don’t use the above to make wagers.
But, every WrestleMania, for a few hours… I’m 14 again. I can’t wait.
So… what are you reading and/or watching?
Reading Dreher’s BenOp book [required reading for my tribe] and heading up to mid-town Manhattan for business meetings on Monday; I hear there’s a pretty good Olive Garden there, so stoked for that.
Oh, and keeping an eye open as the Ewes and Goats are lambing/kidding right now.Report
This week is ugly with Business travel
I feel your pain.Report
Had dinner with my VERY LIBERAL actress/producer friend. She brought up that she’s realizing that there’s a whole lot of (political/cultural) diversity in this country and even in our state…
Wow. Still not sure how to react to that comment. But hey, the ravoli with meat and cheese in red/white sauce rocked, so WTFC, amirite?Report
My friend’s April Fools Unprank (that is to say, attempting to “fix” the actual prank that went horribly horribly wrong) includes reprogramming the prankster via hypnotism.
It’s times like these that I consider that we might want to do this with more people than simply the utterly incompetent.Report
Well, most of my predictions were not entirely wrong this year.
But, once again, they front-loaded all of the good matches.
When we realized that Reigns vs. Undertaker was closing the show, that’s when we knew that Reigns would be winning. Sigh.Report
The Undertaker match left me with a big question. Did he look like he did not belong in the ring because they were trying to tell the story that he was ready to retire, or was it because he is really so bad that he had to retire?
Other than that, just about everything was pretty much by the numbers, except for the Hardys. That was cool.Report
The Undertaker match did not leave me with that question. It just made me say “oh, crap… they’re going to try to stuff Reigns down our throat some freakin’ MORE… let’s hope for a riot.”
When the Hardys came out, we all yelled *OH MY GOD* except for the guy who only shows up for Wrestlemanias and he asked us what the big deal was and we spent the next 5 minutes talking about the old tag-team division.
I think my favorite match of the night was Shane/AJ. We saw a lot of good stuff and said, more than once, “that’s a really good move! They should give that to a real wrestler!”Report
Ah, and now it’s confirmed.
The Undertaker is retiring.
He went out the absolute best way: counting the lights.
Good for him.Report