The Month in Theaters March 2024

The other two articles I wrote this month took precedence, but now I can get you this. I saw fourteen movies in theaters in the month of March, as well as five movies otherwise, for a total of nineteen reviews. This was quite an astounding month in theaters, but I’ll get to that. What is most interesting is how few movies I watched otherwise, which is largely due to a lot of television being watched but also a factor of just how many times I went to the theater.

One Life

Of the new movies this month, this is movie of the month. It is a true story about a man who joined an organization to get as many Jewish people out of areas about to be invaded by the Nazis through tricks of the immigration system. In essence, they bring children to Britain and lie by saying the kids are only going to be temporarily adopted by willing families and say reunification will happen after the war. Of course, virtually every child who got out would end up losing nearly every member of their family to the Holocaust. This organization was absolutely without spotlight when it accomplished everything. As the last surviving member (the movie takes place in the ‘80s,) the lead character, played by Anthony Hopkins, is plagued by the regret of not saving more children. When someone realizes what’s he done, a lot of amazing things happen. Anthony Hopkins plays this masterfully. This is an A to A+ and has a chance to move up when it comes to the end of the year. It was released on the first of January in the UK, so this is officially a 2024 movie. This is one of the better dramas I have seen this year. This was the first of four movies through the Regal/AMC Monday mystery premiere screening program. They just seem to be doing these more and more as more and more people seem to like what it is. And I’m all here for it. Sisu, which I happened to miss last year in theaters, was one of these preview screenings that I stupidly skipped. Never again. Still very pissed I missed that in theaters.

Kung Fu Panda 4

This is the worst in the series, but it ain’t terrible. I would give the second worst one, the third one, a solid A or A-. The first two are easy A+ good times. This one is a B- to B. It just doesn’t necessitate itself. It cashiers four characters, largely to save on the voice actor budget, while having a plot that is non-sensical and contradictory to the lore. The villain is defeated very quickly for how dangerous she is pumped up to be. A twist which is done for future redemption is so poorly handled, I hate it. And the actress whose name is the bastardization of a bottled water brand shows up again far after everyone has gotten sick of her. If this franchise does get another movie, please recast her character. Please. There was also clearly an opportunity for at least two other voice actors to show up, as their characters do appear but do not say anything, like the aforementioned cashiered four. It felt so annoying.

Cabrini

I wish John Lithgow was in this movie more. It also feels like most of the costumes in this movie came from the set of Warrior, which isn’t technically a bad thing. The true story behind this movie’s events is actually very impressive, much like One Life. This one is not as good, mostly because her resistance to getting stuff done is wiped away either too quickly for the amount of time spent on trying to get around those problems or reserved for the “Here’s some extra information we couldn’t organically show in the movie” post script on-screen reading exposition dump before the end credits. This is a B to B+. Angel Studios continues making movies, but this one had completed production well before their profits skyrocketed after Sound of Freedom came out. She’s a nun who wishes to make things better through missionary work but is given the thankless task of running an orphanage in America when anti-Catholic bigotry was near the zenith here. John Lithgow plays the mayor who stymies her, but he’s in like all of three scenes. He’s in a higher percentage of the trailer than the movie itself. Which is unfortunate. He is excellent in the movie.

Arthur the King

The next Monday mystery preview screening movie. This one? Another based on a true story. Did a panda ever really do kung fu? As it stands, I am glad I didn’t look up the true story for any of these movies. Absolutely would ruin the tension, especially here, as the movie concerns an Iron Man-style multi-day triathlon marathon thing. Marky Mark and Shang-Chi are the only actors I really recognized outside of Ramsey from the Fast and Furious movies. I know the first two actor’s names, but I am not so confident in their spelling, and I cannot be arsed to look them up. I just don’t care enough. But beyond that, dog movie. A fun dog movie. Marky Mark is exactly how he is in almost everything, but his every man persona really shines in based on a true story movies, most of which were directed by Peter Berg (also some of the only movies that director has made that weren’t complete garbage.) This is not going to be remembered ten years from now. This is a B. I didn’t hate it, though. It just doesn’t have enough there there if you catch my drift.

Field of Dreams

The first of two movies that were a part of $5 anniversary showings at Regal this month. 35^th anniversary for this one. This is probably only my second time seeing this movie from start to finish. It is very good. Not the best movie ever or even the best sports movie or even the best baseball movie or possibly even the best baseball movie starring Kevin Costner (although I have yet to watch Bull Durham,) but enough of that. It’s a great movie. A to A+. What more can I say about this movie that hasn’t been said to death? James Earl Jones is wonderful and obviously the best part of the movie. At least two actors in this who would find much greater success after this movie. Ray Liotta being the obvious one. The other one I noticed was a murderer on Psych and a corrupt cop on Luke Cage, along with many other character actor roles. The logic of how the magic cornfield baseball field works is never really explained, especially how they pick up a dead baseball player ghost man on the side of the road possibly hundreds of miles from the baseball field. But whatever. Great film.

The American Society of Magical Negroes

This one came and went like a wet fart. F. The problems with this movie are legion. The message the movie is trying to convey is that token black friends make white people more comfortable around black people and, thus, make it less likely that other black people will be killed by said white people. For such an incendiary point, you think the tone or the actual plot would service it. But no, this is just stated aloud in an exposition dump multiple times, mostly by the always delightful David Alan Grier. And that whole message is largely a footnote in what is a basic rom com love triangle plot. The biggest issue overall with the movie is that the last five seconds of it has a plot twist for a sequel that is definitely never happening (this movie barely cracked a million at the box office); a plot twist that completely undermines the entire film. Since this movie sucks and basically no one saw it or will ever see it, I’ll spoil it. It turns out the girl the main character was pining for is also in a magical society, but for women. So, something something patriarchy. But that completely undoes things. His connection with her no longer becomes a random meet cute at a coffee shop but maybe something she intended to happen. Also, the magic they have is poorly explained and executed. Lots of exposition dumps that are not very interesting. Telling not showing is usually annoying. This script absolutely needed like fifteen more pass throughs to make it better. I don’t know if it could even be salvaged without fundamentally changing almost everything about the movie. The movie is in the running for worst movie title most people don’t want to say out loud.

Imaginary

This sucked. F. I intended to see this the same day I saw Cabrini. In fact, I managed to slide in real well into the first screening I went to, with like ten minutes between the end of Cabrini and into this one. Unfortunately, about a half an hour into it, the power went out at my local AMC and even though the power came back quickly enough, they could not get the projector working again. I got a free movie pass (for a movie I used the AMC Stubs A-List for, so nice,) but it sort of ruined my afternoon. When I finally did get to see it in full, I was incredibly disappointed. But I expected that. The biggest issue is how selfish the main character is, especially with the obvious sequel bait at the end. Also, there’s like two head fake endings before the actual ending. You didn’t need to do that. One of those fake out endings would have ended the movie on a much more artful note. But they wouldn’t be able to sequel bait, especially not with the same actors. I assume this movie made money, but I doubt it was enough to get a sequel greenlit immediately like M3GAN did. What is funny is that this is the first of two movies this year concerning imaginary friends. This one being a horror movie, the next being a family comedy with Ryan Reynolds directed by Jim from The Office. That one I hope is better than this.

Wicked Little Letters

A movie that I didn’t know existed until the day I saw it. The third Monday mystery preview screening. A very British raunchy R-rated comedy based on a true story (again?!?) about a feud between neighbors that eventually rises to the involvement of police and a courtroom drama, sort of. There’s a mystery at the heart of the movie concerning some nasty anonymous letters sent to most people living in this tiny British town, but it is rather obvious who the actual culprit is very early into the movie, so when it is revealed it is not shocking at all. The acting from everyone in the movie is stellar. Olivia Colman being the standout as well as her opposite feuding neighbor. A to A+. I do not wish to spoil anything else about the movie as the interplay between the actors is the core strength of the film.

Love Lies Bleeding

This is another A24 movie, so it will at least be artful. This movie was cruising for potentially movie of the month until something that lasts all of two minutes occurs in the last five or so minutes of the movie. It makes no sense, is not explained, and there’s at least one scene after it when what they did with this weird thing should have been the ending. While the remaining scene is funny, it is unneeded and undermines the weird thing that should have been the actual ending. This is still an A-. But it could have been higher. Twilight girl is still the weakest link in almost every movie she is ever in. She lacks emotion so hard that being in a romantic drama comedy doesn’t really work when you don’t feel the chemistry. This is a lesbian body builder crime drama romantic comedy. It wears a lot of hats. The other actress in the relationship at the core of the film is absolutely acting her ass off. As did Ed Harris and Dave Franco (for the small amount of screen time he ends up getting.) I recommend seeing this movie, but do keep in mind it is very weird. But you should know that already seeing as it is an A24 movie.

The Shawshank Redemption

What can I say? A+. This is easily in my top 20 films of all time. I don’t know where it ranks (maybe I’ll try to do that at some point,) but this is obviously one of the best movies ever made. 30^th anniversary screening at Regal. Like the other anniversary screening, I had never seen this in theaters. It was awesome. Since I hadn’t seen the movie from start to finish in a long time (I have seen the movie off and on randomly on like the AMC television channel for the last decade or so,) it was refreshing to be reminded of the plot and the deliberate pace it has. Everyone is at the top of their game here. Even DCAU Lex Luthor and Mr. Krabs, Clancy Brown himself. Definitely worth five bucks to see this on a giant screen. Morgan Freeman was totally robbed of an Oscar. But this movie got overlooked by audiences and the Oscars the year it came out, being crushed by Forrest Gump at the Academy.

Ghostbusters: Frozen Empire

Not as good as the last one. Jason Reitman didn’t come back to direct. Way too many characters stuffed into this, making it difficult for almost any of them to have a fulfilling arc. The inciting incident of the movie only happens because the nominally lead character is a horny idiot teenager. There is an implied lesbian connection but with a ghost and done so minorly the studio probably doesn’t even have to edit around it to release the movie in China. The main character girl and Dan Aykroyd are the only two actors who clearly came to play and are given anything useful to do. If you had reduced the movie down to mostly them, it would have been a far better movie. Too many side characters, too many side plots, with too little actual narrative significance. Maybe since this movie likely won’t turn a profit, strip the budget down for the next one to just her and crystal skull vodka spokesman and give them a road trip movie on that weird side car motorcycle they show in the film for five seconds. That’s what James and Maso of The Weekly Planet podcast (by far my favorite podcast) recommended, and they’re totally right. But cool to see James Acaster in this for the all of five minutes of screentime he gets. C to C+. I wanted it to be better. And it disappointed me. But it wasn’t a complete dumpster fire like the other two movies I have so far given an F to, so it didn’t deserve that.

Immaculate

Sydney Sweeney is a hot ticket these days, huh? This movie is a mess but a fun one. The plot is insane. It shares a ridiculous number of story beats with The First Omen, which I have already seen in the month of April. I will put a pin in that until April’s theater roundup. This is probably the better of the two as the ending, while predictable, is at least better due to being an original story and not a prequel to an established horror franchise. And it had first mover advantage. Ms. Perfect Breasts is an American almost nun who decides to go to a nunnery in the isolated Italian countryside to take her final vows for some reason… The audience is already aware that this place is a horror show, so when things start to go badly, we all know the church leaders there are responsible for it. She gets pregnant, “apparently” via an immaculate conception. Even though she passes out at one point, making it obvious what happened to the audience. The ending is really messed up, but the kind of messed up that takes balls to do. B+ to A-. The final act is a clusterfark of epic proportions as she tries to extricate herself from the situation after being made fully aware of what was done to her and why. Very visceral and bloody.

Sting

The last of the Monday mystery preview screenings and somehow the only one not based on a true story. A tiny meteor falls into a dollhouse in an apartment complex during the winter and contains an alien black widow spider that can grow to an insane size very quickly. If that sounds ridiculous, it is. The comedy is there, mostly from an actor who I also saw in Ricky Stanicky in April, but the movie only happens because the first person the spider encounters is a girl who is stupid and makes tons of stupid decisions; but a normal human probably would have just stomped the spider dead without a second thought. Lots of “so the movie could happen” moments, but this is a horror movie. Do some people survive in ways that make little sense? Yes. Is there blatant sequel bait? Also yes. Are the best characters the side characters? Thrice yes. But it is a fun creature feature horror movie with enough juice for a sequel or even prequel. Seeing the planet this alien spider comes from could be rather interesting. That’s The Thing prequel I really want. B+.

Godzilla x Kong: The New Empire

This was a stupid fun movie. The best movie in this now five movie franchise since Kong: Skull Island. The action is so damn ridiculous. And it is pure popcorn flick fodder of the best kind. And the stupid human drama that has dragged down three of the movies in this franchise is kept to a minimum. We’re not here for the stupid humans. We’re here for King Kong to get a mech Thanos gauntlet and throw hands with Godzilla and then both fight other things. The amount of care not given to human lives, our international monuments, or even our transportation infrastructure is crazy. Tens if not hundreds of thousands of humans probably died at the hands of Godzilla alone. Godzilla gets a weird pink upgrade which, much like the gauntlet, was probably just done to sell new toys. Is the movie dumb as Hell? Yes, but that doesn’t matter when a giant radioactive lizard suplexes a giant ape into one of the pyramids of Cairo. That’s high art for this kind of stuff. This is mostly King Kong’s movie, which is probably why it is so good. The motion capture on him is excellent. And for large stretches of this movie there is just no dialogue at all because none of the kaiju monsters can actually talk. And I hope it stays that way. This one is definitely getting a sequel as it made absolute bank in America and worldwide. A to A+. I didn’t expect anything from this movie, but it pleasantly surprised me. A delight for the senses.

EVERYTHING ELSE

I finished Resident Alien up to the end of the second season. I will hopefully watch the third when it gets added to Netflix, whenever that will be. Masters of the Air finished and was awesome. Highly recommend. Shōgun on Hulu is absolutely awesome. The season isn’t done yet as of this writing (not sure if this miniseries will get more than one season but it might,) so I will leave my thoughts on it all until I’ve seen it all. The Gentlemen, based on the Guy Ritchie movie of the same name but containing only a tangential association with it, was really fun. It’s on Netflix. Guy Ritchie is having a go of it as of late, except for that terrible Jason Statham heist movie last year. Already seen a Guy Ritchie in April. But more on that next time. 3 Body Problem was interesting, but what it wants to say about humanity’s capacity to destroy itself was annoying because the cause of all the problems is one stupid decision by one stupid moron who never really gets her just desserts for doing it. Still enjoyable. I look forward to the next season. It is an adaptation of a book series that I will never care to read. Here’s hoping they get to the end of the story before Netflix cancels it. Elsbeth premiered but only showed one episode in March, likely because of March Madness, but why even do that at all then if a month will go by before the next episode? I haven’t gotten back into it yet because I no longer have Paramount Plus and I haven’t had cable in years. Maybe someday… It was fun for what it is, murder mystery where you know who the culprit is from the beginning. Doing a Columbo as it were. My fiancée and I started watching Home Improvement from the beginning, but we only got like four or five episodes in and haven’t gotten back to it yet. It’s a fun show. I watched the entirety (including the capstone episode that came out in April) of Quiet on Set: The Dark Side of Kids TV. And it was harrowing. Dan Schneider sucks. But the stuff with Drake Bell and Pickle Boy was by far the worst revelation of the whole thing. Hard to watch but important to watch. It’s on (HBO) Max.

I haven’t watched The Wedding Singer in ages. It holds up. A+. Amazing soundtrack. The chemistry between Sandler and Barrymore is excellent. There’s a reason they’ve done more romantic comedies together after this one. The Billy Idol cameo was unexpected and awesome.

I watched the 1993 adaptation of The Three Musketeers as it and the last movie were both free on YouTube, and I was very bored. I believe this might have been the same day as the Imaginary kerfuffle, but I’m not 100% on that. While easy to track the dates I see movies in theaters based on release dates and stuff, the same cannot be said for my streaming and otherwise film watching. This was well-acted but too long for what it is. B+.

Patch Adams, another based on a true story movie, is fine. It’s not amazing, nor does it age well once you know the real person hated the movie. Alan Tudyk has a bit part in this, one of his first acting roles ever. Only in one scene, but nice to see him there. This is a C to C+. Robin Williams is fun in this, but there’s not much to write home about. So many details were changed for the movie that it will leave a bad taste in your mouth should you ever look the differences up.

Finally saw Legend or “movie where Tim Curry plays Satan.” A very young Tom Cruise is the main character. But the movie is not that great. The plot is slow. But Tim Curry is amazing. He is why anyone remembers this movie at all. The makeup on him was incredible. Worth watching for just him but not much else. C+.

Water for Elephants is based on a book, but the plot is sort of slow to get going. The stuff that takes place “in the present” which begins and ends the movie is by far the best part. Robert Pattinson had not yet found his acting skill and had zero chemistry with Reese Witherspoon. Christoph Waltz was still in his post-Tarantino Oscar but before second Tarantino Oscar period where he did just about every movie for a paycheck that he could. He’s good, but like The Green Hornet and the 2011 version of The Three Musketeers (I saw that via Redbox back in college,) he’s playing a villain just because he can. He was typecast and made a lot of money in very short order due to that. I’m not gonna complain about an actor getting his nut. This is a C+ to B-. The problem with the core of this movie is how the plot happens at all. His parents both die as he is taking his final exam to get his vet license from Cornell. What stops him from going back to finish his degree is never stated (as I’m sure everyone would understand the extenuating circumstances,) as he does that eventually very easily after the flashback events of the movie are over. So, this plot only happens because he’s an idiot. Makes the movie feel very pointless.

And that’s everything. April has already given me many really good movies; seven trips to the theater as of this writing. One of them is one of the two articles I wrote before this one.