The Month in Theaters April and May 2023

This is two months at once for one major reason: The Legend of Zelda: Tears of the Kingdom. Once that came out, almost every spare free moment I had in May outside of seeing movies in theaters was reserved for that game. As of this writing, still have not beaten it. But I’m close…

APRIL

In April, I managed to see ten movies in theaters, with one repeat, and seven movies otherwise, for a total of sixteen reviews. A decent month for movies, but I think the standout was on streaming, but I’ll get to that. The biggest issue is the fact that Sisu did not release in my area. I really wanted to see that. It looks like it’ll be coming to Netflix eventually.

Mafia Mamma

An R-rated comedy with some light action elements and a twist on the mob genre. It’s serviceable. I didn’t love it. Part of this is some jokes just don’t land well, while some of the plot elements are stridently convenient or make no real sense. It’s a C-. It has more in common with Eat Pray Love (a comparison they explicitly make) than The Godfather. The title uses the Italian for “mom” instead of momma, a mistake I made more than once.

The Super Mario Bros. Movie

Another serviceable film. As far as video game movie adaptations go, it is far from the worst. Because it isn’t a flaming pile of garbage, that actually means it lands very high on the rankings, as most video game movie adaptations are awful. This is a B- to B. The key word to describe this movie is safe. The story is pretty boilerplate. I like the voice cast for the most part. Fred Armisen as Cranky Kong might be the only true misstep. The character didn’t feel very cranky to me. This made gobs, so a sequel is inevitable. Let’s hope it isn’t nearly as safe. Hopefully, this means Nintendo will allow other movies/shows based on its properties. I just want a Zelda adaptation.

Air

The movie I saw twice because my fiancée was too sick the Thursday I saw this first but was better by the weekend. This was not a story I knew much about, but one I enjoyed. B+. The acting from all involved is excellent. Nice to see Chris Tucker in something again. The film intentionally restricts the screentime of the actor playing Michael Jordan. He only says a handful of words, and they may never actually show his face from the front, outside of a few seconds. Viola Davis as his mother gets most of the focus. Matt Damon plays what can be best described as the main character. The snappy dialogue in the film is kinetic.

The Pope’s Exorcist

A boilerplate horror movie only slightly elevated by the fact that they somehow scored Russell Crowe to play the titular character. The film is almost instantly forgettable. The problem is they don’t really give Crowe much to work with or he just didn’t put much in it. Unlike 2020’s Unhinged, where he gave a terrifyingly electric performance, Crowe feels like he’s phoning it in here. I have to give this an F.

Renfield

Nicolas Cage absolutely brings it as Count Dracula. Too bad this movie feels like two not quite full scripts stitched together. There’s this whole plot that takes up a significant part of the runtime involving police corruption in New Orleans, where a vast majority of the movie takes place. Nicholas Hoult is good as the titular Renfield, but is vastly overshadowed by Cage. It’s nice to see Ben Schwartz in this, as he was seemingly left off all marketing. Awkwafina is the same character she plays in everything, which is modestly annoying. It’s a B.

Sweetwater

This movie focuses on a person I didn’t know existed until I saw the trailer. A Harlem Globetrotter who became one of the first black NBA players. Some of the acting is stiff, while it feels at least one of the characters was added to the mix with pure creative license. It’s a very boilerplate film that tells an important story. This is a C. The trailer made this look much better than it ended up being. I saw this on the Wednesday after it was released, and I was the only person in the theater.

Evil Dead Rise

The best movie I saw in theaters in April. A delightfully creepy film. I wish Bruce Campbell had a bigger part in this, a mere voice cameo on a recording, but I can live with it. This is an A-. Of the on-screen talent, I didn’t recognize any of them. The Deadite creature effects are amazing. Buckets of blood. I don’t know how much of it was practical and which portion was CGI, but they did an excellent job here. As per usual, a character foolishly handles the book of the dead without the appropriate tact. And everything spirals out from there.

Big George Foreman

I know George Foreman mostly for his electric grills and larger than life personality. I knew he was a former boxer growing up, but I knew precious little about his story. This movie provided that. It is well acted, but the plot sort of quickly goes through things I would have liked more time spent on. I give this a B-.

Somewhere in Queens

Ray Romano directs and stars in this family dramedy. Another serviceable film. The acting is good, but the plot feels a little messed up with, in my opinion, a bad resolution. C+ to B-. Not all that much to say about it. I really didn’t like the conclusion to the plot. Soured the whole enterprise.

EVERYTHING ELSE

Barry and Succession both returned. And concluded by the time of writing. I felt disappointed by the former’s conclusion while feeling the latter ended about as I expected. I watched the original series of Clone High but have yet to watch the new series (Max separates the two for some reason, which means they’re different shows, I guess.) It was cringe in that early ‘00s way. Not particularly impressive, but this was very early into Will Forte’s career. Love & Death also came out and finished. Candy, which covered the same events, was better.

Movie of the month goes to Tetris. A to A+. A fascinating and well-acted “based on a true story” movie. There’s a scene where they’re discussing video games, and it cuts to footage of the games discussed. The one for Mike Tyson’s Punch-Out!! is footage from the Let’s Play channel Game Grumps, which is hilarious. Quite a funny mistake.

They did a sequel to Murder Mystery… Murder Mystery 2 isn’t as good. C. The mystery isn’t as exciting. That’s all it is. And, no, it doesn’t take place on a train.

A very messed up premise that doesn’t have any real consequences. The Switch is a C to C+. In short, a man’s female best friend decides to do artificial insemination. Somehow, the sample is just sitting in her bathroom when she has a party about it. The dude gets drunk and “accidentally” spills the sample. And it goes exactly where you think it will from there. What he did would be incredibly illegal.

Another Stephen King adaptation. This one’s OK. Only two actors I recognize immediately from anything. A fat lawyer does a hit and run on an old Romani man’s daughter and gets away with it. The Romani man curses him to waste away. The ending is pretty messed up, but is also one the audience will see coming a country mile away. B- to B.

Jerry & Marge Go Large was pretty fun. B+. A retired man realizes he can scam the lottery legally and eventually ropes in his wife and essentially his entire small town. I enjoyed myself. It’s on Paramount+.

One of those comedies I seem I love more than anyone else, Down Periscope is a really fun time. Kelsey Grammer plays a Navy man who wants to captain his own submarine but is disliked by some in command. He is given the opportunity to command a diesel sub in a series of war games. The guy who doesn’t like him in command, played excellently by Bruce Dern, gives him a ragtag crew. I love this movie more than I probably should. A+.

A movie I had never seen, but my fiancée wanted to watch because of the new series based on the movie. Fatal Attraction feels very similar to Basic Instinct and is about the same quality. Glenn Close and Michael Douglas are pretty good. The ending is predictable, but that’s what it is. B to B+.

ONTO MAY!

MAY

In May, I managed to see eight movies in theaters, with one repeat, and only three movies otherwise, for a total of ten reviews. Zelda is quite the drug.

Hypnotic

Robert Rodriguez is back with a sci-fi thriller starring Ben Affleck. It’s OK. It concerns people who can convince others to do things with a look or a simple voice command. There’s some good actors in here, but the twists and turns in the plot sometimes come hard and fast. In an effort to keep the audience guessing, logic takes a backseat. The reveal isn’t all that exciting. B-. The bank robbery that opens the film is probably the best scene in it.

Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 3

I think this may be slightly better than the second outing. B+ to A-. Adam Warlock is mostly wasted as he doesn’t seem to add much to the plot. The High Evolutionary is sufficiently menacing. It seems every character introduced before this movie completes their arc. Rocket Raccoon got a lot of backstory, some of which is heartbreaking. Very hard to talk about more without spoiling anything.

Kandahar

Probably the best movie I saw this month. When it popped off, I was on the edge of my seat. The tension is palpable. A- to A. Gerard Butler plays a black ops man on a mission in the Middle East when his identity is exposed, prompting him on a journey to get the Hell out of Dodge without dying or being captured. It’s intense. I liked it a lot more than I thought I would. His translator that he also has to get out alive is probably the best actor in the movie.

Fast X

This is a goofy movie, but I can’t say I didn’t enjoy myself. B+ to A-. This series typifies the concept of a popcorn flick. Jason Momoa is delightfully weird as the main antagonist. He seems to be having so much fun. The action is ludicrous as expected from this franchise. It ends on a cliffhanger that may not be deserved, but that’s small potatoes. The only real issue with this franchise is that none of the good guys can seem to stay dead. They keep bringing back characters that died several movies ago that are not only alive but completely unscarred, considering what should have happened to them if they survived.

Are You There God? It’s Me, Margaret

C. I didn’t expect to like this movie, so this is not much of a surprise. The plot just sort of drags. Since it’s based on a book, I really don’t know how that’s possible. Not really that much else to say.

The Little Mermaid

It’s not better than the original. Some of the photorealistic animals are just not fun to look at, Flounder especially. One of the new songs is dreadful. “Poor Unfortunate Souls” is probably my favorite Disney villain song. The new take on it in this movie doesn’t even begin to approach the original. We do get a little more relationship development with Ariel and Prince Eric, which is largely due to this movie being about fifty minutes longer than the original. I’ll say this: It’s not terrible. C+ to B-.

The Machine

A movie I mostly saw just to see a movie. The concept is pretty stupid, the execution doesn’t elevate that at all, and the acting isn’t very good. And the ending is unsatisfying. F. Not the worst comedy I’ve ever seen but not one I enjoyed. The best joke was in the trailer.

EVERYTHING ELSE

Before the new Zelda came out, my fiancée and I watched Welcome to Chippendales, a miniseries about the founding of the male stripping empire. It was a lot more fascinating than I thought it would be. We also watched the first episode of the Fatal Attraction series but didn’t get back to it.

A similar movie to Fatal Attraction, Disclosure again stars Michael Douglas getting in trouble for infidelity but with some corporate espionage-type flavor thrown in. B+.

With the reboot out, my fiancée wanted to watch the original White Men Can’t Jump, which I’d never seen. The acting is charming, but the plot is all over the place, with an ending that feels incredibly unsatisfying. B. Also, movie doesn’t know how to Jeopardy! correctly.

Back to School is such a good film. My fiancée had somehow never seen it. Rodney Dangerfield is a delight. A+.

I managed to finish the game since starting to write this article. All 152 Shrines completed and Ganondorf defeated. Even unlocked the good ending. I didn’t write this article in one sitting. This means I will have more free time to watch movies in the larger part remaining of June.