Weekend Plans Post: The Road to Wrestlemania

Wrestlemania is my Superbowl. I rented Wrestlemania and Wrestlemania 2 from the local video store back in the early 80’s. When we moved out to New York when I was a kid, mom felt sorry for me that I was in a new place and everything was so much different than Michigan so she got tickets for us to see Wrestlemania III on Closed Circuit Television. I remember watching it in a gym somewhere and everybody was going nuts by the end of the night.

Thanks, mom.

I drifted away for a bit after high school but at the tail end of my college years, we were watching Raw build up to Wrestlemania and it was Stone Cold vs. Shawn Michaels and Mike Tyson as the “Enforcer”, whatever the heck that meant, and I casually mentioned to my buds “you know… I’d pitch in $20 to watch that live…” and we all looked at each other and realized “HEY WE’RE GROWNUPS NOW!!!!!” and we ordered Wrestlemania XIV and pretty much every Wrestlemania since.

Over the years, we did it bigger and bigger. From ordering pizzas to making a big batch of spaghetti to splurging and making some serious monster submarine sandwiches, it was AN EVENT. In recent decades, we slowed down a lot. It was enough to just order 100 wings from Wingstop and just feast on those and the sides (the baked beans were *OUT OF THIS WORLD*). Well, Wingstop quit making baked beans so we did stuff like buy baked beans at Safeway and got the coleslaw from KFC (the chicken is nothing to write home about… the only way to get better coleslaw is to make it yourself). And we inched up to doing it bigger and bigger every year again.

But then there was that global pandemic thing and then, after the global pandemic, I ordered 100 wings from Wingstop and it was A HUNDRED BUCKS. Holy cow! I got used to paying $70 or $80 for a feast with a little extra for some really good sides. But $100? And, get this, the wings from the good Wingstop (the one next to the place where those three guys got killed) is now charging ONE HUNDRED AND THIRTY-SIX DOLLARS AND NINETY-NINE CENTS for 100 wings. More than a buck a wing!

I saw that and I thought “I could get us all ribeyes for that! And potatoes and sour cream! And mushrooms with garlic! AND IT’LL BE CHEAPER!!!”

So, this weekend, I’m going to Costco and getting some ribeyes and potatoes and sour cream. I’ve already got some canned button mushrooms and garlic at home. And it’s still going to be cheaper than $136.99.

Seriously.

But it’ll be nice to sit and eat with everybody and yell at the television between mouthfuls and take a short nap halfway through from the foodglow.

We’re not going to do it over two nights. That’s crazy talk. What we are going to do is ignore spoilers on Saturday and make it an all-day Sunday event, the way it was meant to be (and I already have scheduled Monday off).

SO WHAT DOES THE CARD LOOK LIKE?

For Night 1
Austin Theory (c) vs. John Cena in a Singles match for the WWE United States Championship
Seth “Freakin” Rollins vs. Logan Paul in a Singles match
Trish Stratus, Lita, and Becky Lynch vs. Damage CTRL (Bayley, Dakota Kai, and Iyo Sky) in a Six-woman tag team match
Braun Strowman and Ricochet vs. The Street Profits (Angelo Dawkins and Montez Ford) vs. Alpha Academy (Chad Gable and Otis) vs. The Viking Raiders (Erik and Ivar) (with Valhalla) in a fatal four-way tag team match
Charlotte Flair (c) vs. Rhea Ripley in a Singles match for the WWE SmackDown Women’s Championship
The Usos (Jey Uso and Jimmy Uso) (c) vs. Kevin Owens and Sami Zayn in a Tag team match for the Undisputed WWE Tag Team Championship
Rey Mysterio vs. Dominik Mysterio in a Singles match

Night 2
Gunther (c) vs. Sheamus vs. Drew McIntyre in a Triple threat match for the WWE Intercontinental Championship
Edge vs. “The Demon” Finn Bálor in a Hell in a Cell match
Liv Morgan and Raquel Rodriguez vs. Natalya and Shotzi vs. Ronda Rousey and Shayna Baszler vs. Chelsea Green and Sonya Deville in a fatal four-way tag team match
Bianca Belair (c) vs. Asuka in a Singles match for the WWE Raw Women’s Championship
Brock Lesnar vs. Omos (with MVP) in a Singles match
Roman Reigns (c) (with Paul Heyman) vs. Cody Rhodes in a Singles match for the Undisputed WWE Universal Championship

My takes follow:

John Cena is jerking the curtain? My head says that Theory is going to win this so Cena can go back to Hollywood where, I imagine, he’s happier. He’s got great comedic timing, he’s still got a body that people will pay money to see shirtless, and you get hit less there. My heart says “they’re going to have Cena win the belt to kick off the show. You know they will.”

Poor Seth Rollins. If he loses, he loses to Logan Paul. If he wins, he’s only beaten Logan Paul.

I hate six-person tag team matches. But they have to give this to Damage CTRL. Who’s going to be on television in a month? Well, that’s the team you need to put over.

I hate fatal four-ways even more than I hate six-person tag team matches. The Street Profits don’t need it. The Alpha Academy don’t need it. The Viking Raiders or Braunchet need it. But nobody is going to be cheering the Raiders. Braunchet walks away with it.

Speaking of people who need it, Rhea Ripley needs the belt. Seriously, what the heck is Judgment Day doing proving points with Edge and Rey and all that? The reason you are wrestling is to WIN BELTS. Rhea needs it. Charlotte doesn’t. This has a shot at being match of the night.

The Usos vs. KO/Zayn? How in the heck did the writers get me to give a darn about the Usos? Give Sami a raise. Also, give him the pin. Hugs all around. This will not be the technical match of the night but it’s the one that will have everybody screaming at the television and standing on the couch and cheering.

Rey versus Dominik. Ain’t no better gift you can give your son than to count the lights. Take the W, kid. Try to figure out how to get a bigger pop than your old man, though. It ain’t gonna be enough to be a cowardly heel.

I could see them giving the IC belt to Sheamus. Gunther is a good, solid heel though. They should see how he does a little higher on the card after this.

WHY ARE THEY DOING HELL IN A CELL AT WRESTLEMANIA?!? Seriously, that should be a once-a-year match. Give it to Balor. He needs it more than Edge. Heck, get the other members of Judgment Day on the card for a check. Have them break in to the cell! Make people ask “why isn’t anyone breaking into the cell like at Wrestlemania?” the next time they have a Hell in a Cell match!

As I said, I hate fatal four-ways. They’ll probably want to raise Liv’s arm.

Bianca vs. Asuka has a shot at being match of the (2nd) night. Asuka needs it, Bianca doesn’t. Might be nice to have an ethereal heel title run for a while.

Brock vs. Omos. Ugh. They find the one guy who is slower than Brock. I’m hoping Brock wins so I have reason to hope that Omos isn’t on my television next month.

And Roman vs. Cody is the other match that has a shot at being match of the (2nd) night. It’s gotta be Cody. Let him lose it next month. Heck, let him lose it on Monday. But the show has to close on a high note and I can’t imagine one higher than Cody winning.

I’ve been looking forward to this since last year.

So… what’s on your docket?

(Featured image is “recovery”. Photo taken by Maribou.)