Posted by u/StraightOuttaSmallville43
I (28/M) recently had a difficult conversation with my girlfriend “Louise” (31/F) about some secrets that I had been keeping from her. Let me say upfront that these are secrets that only my family and a few close friends know about. There are some peculiarities I’m not going to get into, but the short version of the story is that while my girlfriend knew that I was adopted she didn’t know the full story. Most particularly that my heritage gives me a number of talents which I use for a hobby that I have become quite good at.
To be honest, I didn’t know how she would react. I thought there was a chance that she knew. Her job requires that she be observant and I am frankly a little surprised that this had been going on right in front of her without her realizing it. But even if she didn’t know, I thought that this would be a funny sort of story that we might tell our grandkids or an unspoken wink whenever something about all this came up. I thought we’d have a laugh about it.
Instead she was really angry. Really, really mad. She was especially angry at the part where my hobby involved creating a separate persona and interacting with her as both identities independently, which she referred to as a “giant mindfuck”. She went on about how I would flirt with her as two different people and how she wasted a lot of mental bandwidth trying to sort out which she was in love with. Then she drilled in that she chose my more meek and mild-mannered every day persona because she saw in me an earnestness when it turns out I am a “lying motherfucker”. I asked if she wishes she’d chosen the other persona but she pointed out that she’d thought he was a hero but “he’s a lying motherfucker, too.”
So it doesn’t sound like she thinks she made the wrong decision in which persona she chose, which left me a little confused as to the precise nature of the complaint.
She also attacked my professional integrity, because my day job involves commenting on national and international affairs which I had been doing while also secretly an active participant in world events (as part of my hobby). I pointed out that I had actually deflected a lot of the reporting involving all of this to her, and then she blew up about how I was risking her career and how she would “lose all credibility” if people found out that she had such a huge conflict of interest. She also worried that people would think she’s the “dumbest nitwit on the planet” for not figuring everything out. I wanted to point out how weird I thought it was it was that she hadn’t noticed, but thought better of it. In retrospect maybe that was the one thing I did right.
Otherwise it seems like no matter what I said and did, she would just get more angry.
So now she’s breaking up with me and threatening to tell on me to our boss. She says the only way to salvage her career is to come clean with everybody now. I talked to my friend “Dwayne”, who is in this with me, and now he’s mad at me because he thinks she might be able to figure out his hobby, too. I talked to my parents about it and they expressed more than a little frustration that I have had them lying on my behalf to her for so long. I wouldn’t say that they are angry with me, but they’re not as sympathetic as I had hoped.
What was I supposed to do here? AITA for not telling my girlfriend about my hobby? AITA for telling her and risking things for Dwayne?
Brilliant!
Also, YTAReport
Oh. It took me a while. Then again because of who I am my brain is not primed for that particular content. (trying v. hard to avoid spoiling….)Report
At what point in the relationship should you have been expected to expose deepest secrets?
Before marriage, certainly… but prior to the decision to get engaged is probably still in the safe zone.
There’s something unpleasant that we may need to take into account: Relationship Asymmetry. A very, very small amount of asymmetry is generally okay. You want there to be enough wiggle room for both people in the partnership to think “I lucked out”. Once you wander into “I got really lucky, this other person is a MAJOR CATCH” territory, you may find yourself wondering “will this other person leave me the second an upgrade opportunity presents itself?”
This realization can manifest as anger.
Maybe she’s not angry because she finally learned his secret. Maybe she’s angry because she realized that HE was the catch, not her.Report
“At what point in the relationship should you have been expected to expose deepest secrets?”
Never. I still carry two “secrets” from my marriage. One that would embarrass me and one that would embarrass her. They shall not be discussed……ever.Report
I don’t mean to, like, blog comments.
I mean to *HER*.Report
Several years ago I read a letter to an online advice columnist. The writer had had a one night stand with the fiance of a really good friend. She then felt compelled to confess to the wounded party. My take on that what good comes of that? The friendship and the engagement ended. Take that stuff to the grave.
She wanted to know if the friendship could be saved. LOLReport
I can understand not telling one’s partner “I am a bad person”.
I mean, I’m not sure I approve… but I understand.
It’s the not telling one’s partner “I am a good person” where I think that the lines are much less blurry.Report
oh wow i think i know this dude. weird that he doesn’t even mention that almost the same thing happened with his high school girlfriend ‘Elana’Report
I feel like I know this but I can’t put my finder on what the answer is! Frustrating!Report
You do not want Dwayne mad at you.Report
I guessed who Dwayne was, but it took way too long to see where his name came from.Report
The real problem here is that you don’t do the thing you love. You need to make your hobby into your profession. Now, I’m lucky, because I inherited a business from my dad, and it’s what I love. Inventions, IT, corporate stuff. I get a bit obsessive about it, but I’m always happy to go into work and prove that I’m the best at what I do. But it sounds like you love your hobby more than your job.
People are always trying to slow you down. I swear, I’d pull out my hair if I weren’t bald already! Don’t let toxic people drag you down with them. She’s playing you, hitting you at your emotions, your weakest point. Don’t be afraid to find her weakness and hit back. People are either friends or enemies, and if she’s chosen to become your enemy, you have to face it and respond accordingly. Tough advice, I know, but you always need to think about Number One.Report
I’ve always loved cooking. I’m very good at it. Thought about going to culinary school and becoming a chef. Decided against it because I didn’t want to kill my passion and end up a chef who didn’t love cooking anymore. Sound I work in business and love cooking for myself, friends, family, etc., and I’m content. Could I have been a chef? Maybe, but in many ways, I am, just not paid for it.Report
Oh, don’t take what I’m saying at face value.Report
You need to watch “The Menu”. It’s more his story than hers.Report
…I don’t get it. Is this about some celebrity? Is it about Elon Musk?Report
The smallest of hints.Report
Super. Thanks, man.Report
I’m glad I’m not the only one puzzled by this.Report
There is a hint in the reddit handle.Report
I can relate.
I remember how when we were dating, my future wife had only ever seen me wearing my glasses, and the first time I took them off she said she almost didn’t recognize me.Report
It’s reminiscent of all the films where we’re not supposed to notice that a female character is gorgeous until she takes her glasses off.Report
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wlr7CHNpW-s&t=106sReport
Eh, I’m just not buying the idea of a Redditor being superhuman.Report