Maybe Culpa: Adventures In Outrage Email

From: Neil Young, LLC

To: O’Neal Library

50 Oak Street
Birmingham, AL 35213

It has come to my attention that you are offering my cds (compact disks) to the public while also allowing your patrons access to various other published material that may or may not comport to my point of view. As you may have read, I have asked that my music be removed from the platform Spotify because of the persistence of Joe Rogan. I asked that my works be removed from that site and to be consistent I must ask to be removed from your library catalogue lest I be associated with such offerings as Mein Kampf, which I understand is freely available and all manner of other works that don’t promote my world view. I require that any service that provides something I created excludes things I didn’t say.

Please remove my works from your platform because I want no association with such works.

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From: Neil Young, LLC

To: Barnes & Noble Store #2565

3111 S Veterans Pkwy
Springfield, IL 62704

It has come to my attention that you are offering my cds (compact disks) to the public while also allowing your patrons access to various other published material…

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This is not a complete collection of the ABC collection of the Whoopi Goldberg diary tentatively titled Two Week Flagellant Collection, but these are fantastic teasers.

Day 1: I apologized and what the hell?

Day 2: Catching up on The Good Place.

Day 3: BBC America is doing a Next Generation marathon and I haven’t even bothered looking at the episode line up because I’ve been doing this stupid ABC memoir thing but I’m going to watch because nobody does an Nex Gen marathon without “Yesterday’s Enterprise” and I ruled that bitch. Peeling the shell off hard boiled eggs is a bigger pain in the ass than I thought. I’m throwing one in the trash out of two at this point. There’s like a filament between the shell and the part you want to eat and you either get it working for you or you don’t.

Day 4: Jimmy Stewart is amazing. Big Bunny… so cool.

Day 5: I just realized I have sinned and ABC was right. I thought I said something stupid and apologized for it and figured that would be it, but now I realize that a fourteen-day waiting period has meaning. I can’t believe Firefly only made it one season.

Day 9: This baguette recipe sucks.

Day 12: Robert Graves. Always Robert Graves. He’s brilliant.

Day 13: I think I cornered the little scuttle things. No more little scuttle things. I got them and now I get to sleep with the lights off.

Day 14: I didn’t get them. I thought I did. They made it around the side and they scurry now. I made it through my two-week suspension though. I’m purified, because that’s how this works. My views on the holocaust are completely different than two weeks ago. This is what works. Make me stay home for two weeks and my whole worldview flips. I’m ready to star for two hours before prime time once more. This was not a PR flak’s suggestion supported by a few lawyers and probably a vegan or two to deem purity. This was a great idea

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From: joerogan@thatplace.com

To: SandwichHeaven.com

I’m not saying it was a bad sandwich, and I get that mistakes can be made, but I clearly said no mayo. Not your fault. Sorry about the bad mayo comments. I’m going to scrub my Yelp reviews and we can just carry on and I’ll keep posting.

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From: Clay Travis

To: Everybody else

[Currently banned from this site for saying boobs.]

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From: The Offices of Bill Maher

You got a playground. I got a playground.

Yours is stupid. Leave me alone.

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From Joy Reid:

“In December I learned that an unknown, external party accessed and manipulated material from my now-defunct blog, The Reid Report, to include offensive and hateful references that are fabricated and run counter to my personal beliefs and ideology.

I began working with a cyber-security expert who first identified the unauthorized activity, and we notified federal law enforcement officials of the breach. The manipulated material seems to be part of an effort to taint my character with false information by distorting a blog that ended a decade ago.

Now that the site has been compromised I can state unequivocally that it does not represent the original entries. I hope that whoever corrupted the site recognizes the pain they have caused, not just to me, but to my family and communities that I care deeply about: LGBTQ, immigrants, people of color and other marginalized groups.”

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We live in stupid times, but we don’t have to.