Deadnames and Santa’s Naughty List

Change of Name Decree, Superior Court of California, County of Sacramento, Public domain, via Wikimedia Commons

“What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet?
—William Shakespeare

So, what is a “deadname”? According to Merriam-Webster

“The name that a trans gender person was given at birth and no longer uses upon transitioning. Many trans people will go to great lengths to prevent people from finding out their deadnames, destroying irreplaceable photos and documents in an effort to ensure that who they really are is the only identity most will remember.”

Now, the definition is kind of narrow in my opinion, focusing on strictly trans persons. Basically, anyone who changes their name has the new name and a deadname. Two famous examples:

• • Cassius Marcellus Clay Jr. better known as Muhammad Ali

• • Marion Robert Morrison better known as John Wayne

Some people will ask, what’s the deal? Why change your name?

• • For trans people it is to take a name that better reflects who they are. A trans man won’t get along very well in our society named Sue, nor will a trans woman get along very well named Frank.

• • Domestic violence survivors will occasionally change their name to further distance themselves from an abuser and to make it harder for the abuser to find them again.

• • Maybe you were named after a parent who turned out to be a famous megalomaniac and people are constantly “must be hard to live with that name” or “are you related to?”

• • Maybe you don’t want to be called fifteen anymore because you are Samuel Robert Applebaum the 15^th.

• • How about witness protection?

My point is the reasons are as numerous as the people who go through the legal proceedings to do it. Some states make the process rather simple: fill in this form, pay a fee, wait, done; others require hundreds if not thousands of dollars in legal fees and court costs. Now let’s not forget these same people also have to change every identifying document—including their birth certificate—all of their bills, car titles, deeds, bank accounts, credit cards, etc.

Now that you’ve made it this far, why am I here on this topic? For starters we are in the holiday season, families have the hardest times with deadnames and continuing to use them. Honestly I can cut families some slack here as long as the slips are accidental. When the use is intentional to anger or upset someone though? That is not acceptable.

The other issue is some people think knowing a person’s deadname gives them some sort of power over the person who changed their name, and in some cases it does. A deadname can elicit some very weird responses in some people and violence in others. The reactions are what the user wants though, because it makes them feel bigger, surer of themselves, or proves some point they have made up in their head. The big thing constantly using a deadname does is make the user seem like a jerk.

So, this holiday season remember: don’t be a jerk, just because you know someone’s “secret name.” Use the new name. If someone is presenting as a woman, they are a “she” and presenting as a man they are a “he”—I won’t get more in depth than that as I’m not real sure what some of the other pronouns even mean. The big takeaway here is be nice, be human, be better; regardless of your personal beliefs friends, family, and co-workers, are not gathering to hear you belittle someone or to make a scene.

Don’t end up on Santa’s Naughty List because you weren’t nice.