Darth Vader Visits HR

Star Wars Celebration in Anaheim, April 2015. Photo by William Tung from USA, CC BY-SA 2.0 <https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/2.0>, via Wikimedia Commons

HR: Ah, Mr. Vader. Thank you for coming by. Please sit down.

Vader: Lord Vader.

HR: Excuse me? Oh. Yes. Lord Vader. That is your, um, actual job title, I see. Doesn’t align with our org chart job title system, but, um, no matter. Let’s table that for now.

[Vader sits down, breathes menacingly.]

HR: I asked you down here because we, um, received a complaint from one of your colleagues.

[Menacing breathing intensifies.]

HR [visibly nervous]: According to this colleague and, um, several witnesses, you used the Force to assault him. Is this true?

Vader: I found his lack of faith disturbing.

HR: Yes. Thank you for bringing that up. That’s actually the exact issue. As you know, life and employment here on the Death Star are at will, so you can legally terminate employees—or their employment—for any reason or no reason at all. Except there are a few illegal reasons for terminating employees. Or their employment. And those you can’t do. As we outline in the handbook—

Vader: Don’t be too proud of this terror of a handbook you’ve created. The ability to document compliance obligations is insignificant next to the power of the Force.

HR: Well, be that as it may, the policies outlined in the Death Star’s employee handbook comply with the Galactic Civil Rights Act of a Long Time Ago, which, as you know from the manager workshop training you attended, prohibits discrimination of people belonging to certain protected classes. In this case, religious faith, or rather lack thereof.

Vader: I am altering the handbook.

HR: Well, we can make revisions, true, so long as they’re legally compliant. Like when you demanded we add a “No sand permitted” policy. No problem there. I didn’t get it, but whatever, fine. But we can’t just go changing Galactic Law without the Imperial Senate.

Vader: The Imperial Senate is no longer of any concern to us. The Emperor has dissolved the council permanently.

HR: He what now? I wasn’t notified. I’ll have to—

Vader: Your powers are growing weak, old man.

HR [aggravated]: Age is a protected class as well, Lord Vader. I understand that you are under a lot of stress. Plans of some sort were stolen. Grand Moff Tarkin put you on a performance improvement plan. Bandwidth is a bit stretched. I get it. But we do hold leadership to a high standard here on the Death Star. I would prefer not to take disciplinary action at this time, but I do need you to be a positive team player and a set a good example for the officers, storm troopers, and the crew. I have also reminded Admiral Motti that disparaging your religious devotion as “sad” was a clear policy violation. He has promised not to do it again.

Vader [standing up]: This will be a day long remembered. It has seen the end of the Senate. It will soon see the end of your pitiful HR department.

HR: See. That threat is fine. Being in HR is not a protected class. Although now I wish it were.