Sticks and Stones and Hair Loss

Jada Pinkett Smith and Will Smith at the Academy Awards during Chris Rock’s joke. Photo is screen grab from ABC broadcast.

In my life I think I’ve only watched the Oscars maybe twice, many years ago. This year was no different; however, it was impossible to log onto Twitter and not hear about Will Smith slapping Chris Rock over a joke Rock made about Jada Smith’s hair, or lack thereof. I don’t hold a lot of respect for Hollywood, or really the rich and famous as a whole, and usually refer them all as “District 1” from the “Hunger Games”, but I happen to have thoughts on this particular incident.

For starters, I do not believe words are violence, and thus don’t believe words should be met with violence. No matter what is said, assault is always inexcusable. That being said, I can’t help but respect a man who stands up for his wife. It was said that Ted Cruz “didn’t defend his wife” when Trump started tweeting things about Heidi Cruz. Cruz did use words to defend his wife, he just didn’t use physical violence. I’m unclear when “defending” reaches the point of needing to slap someone. Personally, I think it’s when physical violence is used against you or someone else; then you can meet violence with violence. Still, I think we can all relate to feeling so mad you want to slap someone.

While I don’t support assault and believe Smith should be held accountable as any one of us would be if we walked up and slapped someone, I understand where Smith is coming from. Alopecia can be a very startling condition. Alopecia can be anything from small bald spots, to a full bald head, to losing all of the hair on your body. It can happen at any age, and it can happen very quickly. I met one person who has alopecia universalis, which is where you lose everything. Eyebrows, eyelashes, you lose all the hair on your body. I met my friend long after he had come to terms with this, but he definitely struggled with his condition as a child. Children are cruel, and he stood out. Cruelty, it would seem, is something we don’t grow out of.

We’ve come to expect hair loss in men. Bald men are still considered attractive, and there are many vocal women who talk about how they prefer bald men. Even with all the acceptance, men still struggle when they are faced with hair loss. Just look at all the products out there to try and prevent it. Everything from Rogaine, which can have some pretty awful side effects by the way, to removing your blood, running it through a machine, and injecting it back into your head. PRP Therapy, or platelet-rich plasma therapy, is a very painful and extremely expensive procedure that isn’t guaranteed to work. People go to great lengths to keep their hair, but no treatments available work 100%. In fact, the best we have is closer to 60% with the potential for side effects that may be worse than hair loss.

While we expect some men to be bald, we don’t expect women to be bald. We just don’t. When confronted with a bald woman people think it is either by choice, or cancer. Roughly 55% of women will face some form of hair loss. Women can suffer from alopecia, androgenetic alopecia (female pattern baldness), hair loss due to medical conditions, or Telogen effluvium (TE for the rest of this article) which is hair loss due to stress. I know about all of this because around the beginning of The Age of Covid I was diagnosed with TE and have been researching female hair loss ever since. You don’t understand the emphasis that is placed on hair until you find yourself losing fistfuls of your own hair in the shower.

I’ve done enough research to know there is very little anyone can do about hair loss. You get thyroid tests, change your diet, try and eliminate stress from your life, like that is somehow possible, but if you are going to go bald you will. That doesn’t stop the beauty industry from selling very expensive snake oils with the promises of hair growth, giving you the impression that you just aren’t doing something right and thus making you feel like somehow this is your fault and not genetics. I know this is a first world problem, and yes it’s a little vain, but hair loss feels devastating at the time and no one likes feeling utterly helpless. Don’t believe me, google female hair loss and read all the blogs for yourself.

I don’t care how rich the Smiths are, money doesn’t stop hair loss and while a very expensive wig can cover it that doesn’t make up for the fact that you’ve lost your hair. Jada Smith had to have gone through a lot and while she is wearing her hair loss openly that doesn’t mean it isn’t a sensitive subject or that Will Smith didn’t witness private moments where his wife struggled with the subject. “But their marriage?” you may say. Look, I don’t know what is going on with their marriage nor will I make any claims otherwise. Marriage is difficult. Even a good marriage is work. Regardless of whether or not I agree with their actions, it is fairly obvious that they are still together because Will Smith loves his wife. It is heartbreaking watching someone you love suffer and having absolutely no power to fix it.

I will say again, words are never an excuse for violence. I still stand by this. It can also be true that what Chris Rock said as a joke would feel especially cruel to the Smiths. I know that if someone being broadcasted around the world pointed out my own hair loss, a very sensitive subject for me, I would feel utterly humiliated. I also know my husband would know this because he’s witnessed the tears and the struggle, and the money spent on trying to keep the hair I have. Stress hair loss is temporary. Alopecia isn’t. Yes, she’s open about it but that doesn’t mean that joke didn’t hurt.

Two things can be true at once. Smith can be wrong for slapping Rock, and Rock can be wrong for making fun of a condition that is totally out of Jada Smith’s control. Being cruel isn’t funny. We don’t have to behave like school children.