Weekend Plans Post: On Giving Dating Advice
I had to drop my car off at the shop and the shop does this thing where they give you a “free” Lyft to and from your house if you have to leave the car there for more than an hour. On my return trip to get my car, Maribou called in the first few minutes to let me know that I should stop by the grocery store on the way home and pick up a handful of things. We finished up our conversation with the usual “love you”, “love you!” and, after hanging up, the 20-something taxi driver asked me how long I had been married and I said “almost 25 years… 25 years next month.”
And then he asked me “How do you find a good woman?”
And I immediately remembered this delightful tweet from last week:
When probed a lot of happily married men tell basically this story: “I decided to become a fisherman and the first time I went out in the boat a giant bluefin tuna jumped in the boat before I got my line out. So anyways I retired from that.” https://t.co/X2TwsfTswl
— Andrew Stratelates ⚓️(Traditional Anglican Church) (@AStratelates) September 5, 2023
Now, I wouldn’t say that one jumped into my boat the *FIRST* time I went out on the water. But it was definitely the case that I went out on the water (not even to fish! just to be out there) and everything worked out.
So I found myself in a situation where I was talking to this young man who wanted to know how to find a good woman.
I first told him that I was far from being an expert but I had a handful of bad ideas on how to go about doing it.
First off is the tried and true “what’s the most important thing to you?” question. Like, if you’ve never thought about it, the question isn’t meant to put you on the spot or anything but, like, if the most important thing that you’re looking for in a woman is, say, physical fitness, you should probably go down to City Rock and get a belay buddy bracelet. If you’re looking for a woman who reads a lot, go to one of the singles events at the Library (hey, Old Colorado City library is having a board game night for singles on Saturday!).
So, I told him, figure out what the most important thing you are looking for in a woman and go to where women like that are likely to hang out.
“Loyal!”, he told me. Okay. The guy has had a rough couple of years, I guess.
“Well, what church do you go to?”, I asked him. He named the biggest one in town. Okay. Well, I told him… church was a great place for singles to meet until people realized that church was a great place for singles to meet at which point it ceased to be a good place to meet people.
I told him to maybe switch churches to the Presbyterians downtown or the big one on Woodmen if he has spent a couple of years without meeting someone where he’s going but, quite honestly, I told him about that tweet above and said that the best thing he can do is just get out there, not worry about it, and let the fish jump in his boat. I avoided saying “Just be yourself”, somehow.
And that has been bugging me all week. It’ll probably continue to bug me all weekend.
So… what’s on your docket?
(Featured image is “Sisyphus”, photo taken by Maribou)
For me, third time was the charm, and I was not even looking. I had not sworn off dating or marriage, but I was not trying to find it either. My job had transferred me to Houston, and there was a lady in the lab, and things just clicked. We had really connected well before we ever went on a date, and I debated asking her out for a while. Work relationships can be awkward, especially when your location has only five people in it. Ultimately, I realized there was something there whether we went out or not, and it would get awkward if we didn’t resolve it one way or another.
We kept it to ourselves, figuring it was nobody’s business, and knowing if things didn’t work out, it would be easier if nobody knew. That was almost 9 years ago. We have been married almost 8. The contrast between a good marriage and a bad one is stark. I had also grown up a lot. If we had met a few years earlier, I am not sure things would have worked.
My dating advice? Hope you get lucky, I guess, and work on yourself to be somebody who can be in a relationship so you don’t mess up the opportunity when it gets there.
As to this weekend, no major plans. A few chores to do. Probably some BG3 with my wife and some Starfield by myself. I need to finish putting the decals on my ZZ Gundam, and if I finish that, I will probably start on another. I’ll probably try to watch a movie or two. Overall, just playing it by ear.Report
Big purge in the basement this weekend. And football, and a golf outing. Ugh.Report
I think the most important thing I had to learn was that I couldn’t convince someone to like me. Or really, what I mean is I couldn’t convince someone to move me from friend zone to “I want”. That just happens, and happens pretty quickly.
I wasted time trying to change someone’s mind. Don’t be like me.
The other thing would be patience. After learning the lesson above, there were a few (not a lot, but a few) instances where someone was interested, but I wasn’t really. (Karma or something). I didn’t think, “Oh what the heck” and pursue it, but trusted myself.
People say “work on yourself”, but I’d like to sharpen that. Spend a bit of time learning about women, about what they like and how they want to be treated. For me, some of that came from listening to women songwriters. Listen to me, this is important. Women songwriters, not singers. Singers who don’t write songs will end up pitching man-pleasing lies. Joni Mitchell. Sheryl Crow. (Is Taylor Swift on this list? She might be, I’m not sure.) Watch some rom-coms. (Anything with John Cusack will be fantastic.) Notice how the man screws up. Don’t do that. Don’t worry about not being John Cusack. There will likely be women you run into who will click positively regardless of physical characteristics. Go to the mall and observe who is paired up. It ain’t the hotties.Report
I spent my youth in lots of fun but frustratingly on and off and (well… not totally) unfulfilling flings while being oblivious to what would have been much more satisfying opportunities right in front of my face. There was one long term in there but in retrospect me and her werent much more on the same page than others. At least I can legit say I sewed the wild oats. Of course this sort of judgment led me to dump my now wife after dating her for 6 weeks for a chick several years younger with huge… assets that I had to see. That promptly fizzled out and while out pondering the error of my ways at a bar with some friends I ran into my wife (I still dont know if this was serendipitous or by design) but instead of picking up where we left off she made me earn her back over the next few months. Anyway, the lesson is that you not only have to put yourself out there, but put yourself out there with women who want what you want. Take rejection with grace, play the numbers, and eventually you’ll stumble ass backwards into the one. You’ll know it’s her when she forgives you.
As for this weekend it is kind of sad. That same wife has to go back to work from maternity leave Monday, which also entails taking the baby to daycare. Tomorrow I’m hoping to get a bike ride in with the older son and enjoy the first fall like weather we are getting with the fam. Sunday is multiple children’s birthday parties and friends coming over to watch the late games.Report
Went to SF to catch covid. I kid, it’s worse, corporate training at the new company. Four days worth. Not even at corporate HQ to meet people… offsite ’cause company HQ is too small now.
one of those things where flying people from all over means they have to ‘make it worth it’ so instead of a solid two or two and a half days it’s stretched to Four.
I get to walk SOMA Mission to Ferry everyday…no politics.Report
p.s. no comment on finding mates… watching my early 20 something kids is enough.
Though knowing what i know now and seeing all of the available youngsters in the community, it doesn’t look that hard. not like when I was 20, right?Report
Nothing serous until you’re in your 30s. Focus on work, growing wealth, leveling up in all areas (except women). Casually date. Women are a compliment to your life, not the point of it. In your 30s you can start thinking about settling down, if you want to, assuming you’d got the rest of your life in order. If you get married, do it in a state that does not have anti male divorce laws.Report