Zombie survival guides are a blood-stained dime a dozen, but won\u2019t somebody please think of the zombies?\u00a0 It\u2019s a hard \u201clife,\u201d full of unending hunger, long monotonous stretches of boredom, a homogenous diet, and unceasing drool.\u00a0 Plus, you never get to change into a clean pair of underwear, and that\u2019s just bad luck.<\/p>\n

Well, I\u2019m somebody\u2014a yummy body to the zombies\u2014and I\u2019m happy to oblige.\u00a0 It seems fitting that I, man of alterity and otherness, would be considerate of the needs of zombies.\u00a0 You don\u2019t get much more otherwise than they.\u00a0 So without further moaning, zombie-walk ado, I present seven habits of highly effective zombies.<\/p>\n

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1. Get Involved in a Community<\/strong> \u2013 The lone wolf or isolated zombie is easily seen, easily avoided, and easily whacked.\u00a0 Join a mass of your fellow flesh-eaters and stay hidden.\u00a0 It offers you safety, strength in numbers, and a better chance of surrounding and getting your mouth on some of that living meat you so excitedly crave.<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n
   \n
   1. Be Patient<\/strong> \u2013 Aristotle taught that virtue is a mean between excess and defect.\u00a0 When you\u2019re in a group advancing on your prey, don\u2019t rush to the front where you\u2019ll be the first to fall, and don\u2019t meander at the very back where you\u2019ll never get your hands on even a multiply-stomped-on strip of intestine.\u00a0 You want to be close to the front, but biding your time.\u00a0 Wait for the frontline zombies to wear down the food.\u00a0 When it\u2019s your turn to strike, your meal will be exhausted, out of bullets, and primed for you, the walking abattoir.<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n
      \n
      1. Have Foresight <\/strong>\u2013 This habit is also important before you become a zombie.\u00a0 If you know you\u2019re doomed to be dinner and maybe to life as a zombie, try to get bitten on a part of your body that won\u2019t slow you down or handicap you later.\u00a0 Avoid bites on the leg.\u00a0 You\u2019ll want mobility.\u00a0 The face is fine, but make sure you still have a working jaw.\u00a0 You can get by without an arm, but you\u2019ll be a much more effective killer with all your appendages intact.\u00a0 I recommend guiding the gnawing jaw of a zombie to your chest or back.<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n
         \n
         1. Keep Your Moaning to a Minimum<\/strong> \u2013 No sense in announcing your presence.\u00a0 If your voice box alerts your prey, rip it out.\u00a0\u00a0 You\u2019re a zombie; you can take the biblical injunction literally.<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n
            \n
            1. Eat on the Run <\/strong>\u2013 Some zombies like to sit or crouch down to relax and enjoy their food.\u00a0 This is usually unwise.\u00a0 The living may be lurking, looking for distracted zombies to bash in the head.\u00a0 If you must sit, have your back against a wall, and eat with your head up and your eyes peeled.\u00a0 By the way, peeled eye is quite succulent if you can get your hands on some.<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n
               \n
               1. Attack the Unarmed<\/strong> \u2013 This may seem a no brainer, but that\u2019s part of your problem, isn\u2019t it?\u00a0 Stay away from humans with guns, blades, bats, and other weapons.\u00a0 You may want to focus on anyone unarmed who could conceivably obtain a weapon and appears to have the knowhow to use it, but this approach obviously has its risks.<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n
                  \n
                  1. Stalk Close Friends and Family <\/strong>\u2013 No one wants to shoot a spouse, parent, child, or good friend in the head.\u00a0 Take advantage of this momentary hesitation to go in for the kill.\u00a0 Beloved celebrities like Justin Bieber or Katy Perry should stalk their once adoring now delicious fans.\u00a0 On the flip side, avoid your enemies, and, if you were a horrible boss, your former employees.\u00a0 People lose their moral compass during a zombie apocalypse and won\u2019t hesitate the blow the brains out of people they really hated if presented with the mere possibility that they\u2019ve become zombies.\u00a0 In The Simpsons<\/em>, Zombie Flanders learned this the hard way when approaching his neighbor Homer, who, after shooting his undead foe, remarked, \u201cHe was a zombie?\u201d<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n

                     So there you have it.\u00a0 Happy effective hunting!<\/p>\n

                     (Cross-posted at Journeys in Alterity<\/em><\/a>)<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

                     Zombie survival guides are a blood-stained dime a dozen, but won\u2019t somebody please think of the zombies?\u00a0 It\u2019s a hard \u201clife,\u201d full of unending hunger, long monotonous stretches of boredom, a homogenous diet, and...<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":252,"featured_media":302121,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","_wpscppro_custom_social_share_image":0,"_facebook_share_type":"","_twitter_share_type":"","_linkedin_share_type":"","_pinterest_share_type":"","_linkedin_share_type_page":"","_instagram_share_type":"","_medium_share_type":"","_threads_share_type":"","_selected_social_profile":[]},"categories":[13],"tags":[6231,6232,6233,6234,6235,6236,6237,6238],"class_list":["post-40942","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-the-league","tag-eating","tag-effective-zombies","tag-habits","tag-hunting","tag-strategy","tag-wisdom","tag-zombie-flanders","tag-zombies"],"yoast_head":"\n