commenter-thread

I think Maribou's advice is go to places that "don't find a date" to meet women of similar interests and see what develops. It is a common but slow working piece of advice. We might all want to be on a direct path but not everybody can be on it.

https://www.tabletmag.com/jewish-life-and-religion/102693/hebrews-special-pride

There is a modern Hebrew word, firgun, that doesn't really translate well into English, but roughly means to be happy because other people are happy.

I recognize that resentment isn't very attractive and it isn't likely to get me what I want. However, resentmetn can also come very easily, especially when you feel like you are being called to support something you are excluded from participating in. There is a sort of meaness in this. People want to be free of resentment aimed at them but many, not all, want to be able to exclude and be mean to those that the exclude. So it's something like you can't be resentful of my super-happy sex life but I get to go after you for your lack of one. Rinse, wash, repeat with lots of other stuff.

I apologize for lashing out at you but I'm feeling rather frustrated lately and with no good or easy solution available.

I have this attitude because I've been throguh many bad experiences and not a lot of good experiences. I've been on donzens of first dates that went no where no matter what I tried. And it leads me to wonder whether anybody was seriously interested in me or whether I was an evening's entertainment.

I've also had dates that cancelled at the last minute because they literally told me that they found somebody they like better to date. I guess they get points for being truthful. I think my favorite example was during winter several years ago. There was a sudden storm. My date contacted me that we were sitll on, so I went home from work and showered to get ready, and went out into the snow again. When I was nearly at the restaurant, my date texted me and said she decided to stay in. I then slipped on the ice and got some bruises. There were other stories but these stand out.

Are these the worst things that could happen? No, they aren't but going through a very late start and decades of rejection is not fun. Yet, I'm supposed to maintain a good attitude and prove my value and fake it till I make it. Well, I don't want to fake till I make it. That means my pain is irrelevant and I have to put on some act while people get to blare their pain at me and I have to make it better.

I'm part of the dance community and social club called Events and Adventures. I'm trying to get out a lot and meet people.

What I really need now is what I guess you can call girlfriend as an activity partner, somebody to do things with, and sex that doesn't feel that I have to earn it. Amd Ihaving been placed in the non-romantic category for my entire life, I don't really see anything with wanting somebody who will show the world that she kind of likes me.

Yet the women who might be most open to dating me are the ones that seem least likely to give me what I need because that isn't their personanlity.

You have no idea about who I've been on dates with and what women I'm trying to date. I'm not trying to date the stereotypical hot, high status woman and my dates have generally never been with that type of woman you are talking about.

Most of my dates have been with college or above educated women. Some of them are conventionally attractive, some of them were average, and some not conventionally attractive. Some of them had my hobby interests and some did not They were teachers, lawyers, doctors, vets, dancers, etc.. But none of them fit the mold of the woman you believe that I'm going after.

You also have no idea what I look like besides that I'm below average in height. I'm not over weight, I work out, and take care of my grooming.

I do not believe that I am really going for women that are out of my league or are looking for a hot guy to show off to their girlfriends. I do not believe that I will be happy with such a woman. I do admit that I am not interested in plus size women or somebody who is miserly with physical affection.

Ana and the schlubby guy that gets the hot girl are usually purposefully blank to allow the readers or viewers to see themselves in their space. When the average, and presumably female reader, reads or watches 50 Shades, she is supposed to be placing herself in Ana's stead. Same with the the average, presumably male viewer of the shlubby guy-hot woman heterosexual male romcom. The readers live vicariously through the books.

For all my frustration, I do note that people with great sex lives often have that and only that. A few weeks ago, I intended an amateur comedy show. The last act was by a woman who talked about her sex life, which from her routine seemed to be the only thing that was occurring in her life. Her routine was more pitiable than funny.

Yet, I'm approaching middle age and still single without any relationship. I know I'm not the only person in the world to experience this but it is still really frustrating. There is a great feeling of uncertain on when will something happen and what will happen if it does.

I expect not to hear their preening constantly and not being called to support their cosmology, otherwise I’m an evil bad person, while also being put in that category because I can’t participate.

And the hot, high status girlfriend thing is a red herring because at least for heterosexual men we seem to operate with the severe penalties. I work out, work hard, take care of appearance and clothing, and yet somehow completely fail to register romantically or sexually with women. I’m not exactly what i consider to be a lie status man.

I'm going to be a bit more fair to Houellebecq's critics. They want to push a narrative about sex that it is fun and natural rather than the previous narrative that sex is not good and it should only be done by cis-gender heterosexual married people. At the same time, they also want to emphasize the importance of consent. Coming out and saying that romantic and sexual attraction is unfair and that some of you are going to end up with great sex lives, others no or horrible sex lives, and most of you in-between is not great advertising.

This may or may not be true but I haven't had any client verbalize this at all. I also have good taste in ties. Even if clients thought I'm good for their cousin, doesn't mean that the cousin thinks that. She is allowed to have her own opinion on these matters. These marriages because one partner had.a steady job could also be sexless easily.

I haven't read Houellebecq but I'm very aware of this quote. I guess in defense of the sex positive folk is that they are combating a lot of things they see as evil and need to ignore any weakness in their position. They are also not the sort that are likely to care that much about cis-gendered heterosexual men left out of the loop because they see us all as part of the oppressor class, even if only marginal members and entitled. But it's all so stupid. They campaign about how unnatural celibacy is and how bad humans are at it but they want those without a sex life to be very good at celibacy.

And yes, I know that Houellebecq isn't exactly loved among the sex positive people but I never heard a convincing explanation on why he is wrong. It is true that this paragraph is from the perspective of cis-gender heterosexual men but it can be expanded to cover women and LGBT people to. Some people just don't get to participate in the party no matter what.

Yet, those left out are supposed to go along how great all this sexual freedom that they aren't experiencing is. Its very much alike how the wealthy want the poor not to be resentful of their material good fortune while the starve in a slum.

I'd really wish that the sex positive people would grapple with the fact that there are many people who don't get to engage in sex ever. This isn't because they want to be celibate, its because nobody wants us. Instead the create their elaborate fantasy worlds where all who are good get to indulge as much as they want and their isn't any decent person excluded from the party. Its all just world fallacy rot. What they offer is a shame.