Week Four Roundup

The regular refs are back. They’re making bad calls just like the scabs did, but at least they aren’t deciding whole games. This, however, has not helped out my fantasy team one little bit. After four weeks, I’m ranked dead last, below the guy who forgot to substitute out players for the bye weeks. Meanwhile, will the queen remain unbeated? Read all about it after the jump!

The matchup of the week could only have been the undefeated Multiple Scorgasms up against the Not-So-Gentlewomen. Despite a strong showing from Brandon Marshall in the Monday night game, the Scorgasms could not match the balanced attack of the Gentlewomen, and the formerly undefeated Scorgasms join the rest of us in tasting the agony of defeat. They’re still leading the league overall, but with a net points-scored differential of sixteen points separating them from the second-place Dictionary Kids, they are well within striking distance.

Seriously, who’s gonna stop the Falcons? Atlanta was key to three of our games this week. Black Hole edged Heisman Cain‘s 9-9-9 formations and the Best Quarterback On The Planet™ with an off-the-charts showing from Michael Turner, who didn’t even have to carry Atlanta on his back. Why? Because some kid from B.C. put up good numbers too, giving the Dictionary Kids all the breathing room they needed against Bullmoose Revival, based a lot on catches by Roddy White, letting Partisan Warrior administer the beatdown of the week on Fuzzy Dunlop. 

The Partisans might not be too proud of themselves — after all, the Dunlops left in two players on bye weeks who, since they were both at home cursing out the Madden ’13 physics engine while playing themselves on their XBOXes, had no opportunity to get any points for their fantasy owners. But out of five wideouts on the Dunlops’ roster, the total, average, median, mode, and mean score put up by that entire receiving corps was zero. Only two Dunlop WR’s put their cleats on a field: Golden Tate, he of the Fail Mary reception last week, caught one pass for seven yards against the Lambs, and Deion Branch put on a uniform, I think, but failed to catch Handsome Tom‘s eye the entire game. So you know what? The Dunlops missed subbing out their players on the bye week, but that oversight woundup having zero impact. Not often something like that happens.

Maybe the Tebow Ghostwriters could; they did stop the Ordinary Marksists despite their unfortunate need to start Blaine Gabbert at QB, which were there any other starters available to them would have been a highly questionable decision. Good thing the Ghostwriters had the San Francisco defense blanking the hapless Jets, who were so stunned by what got served up to them Sunday morning that they ignored every lesson Denver learned so publicly last year, and actually put the ball in Tim Tebow‘s hands. All he does is win, baby! cause quarterback controversies which the coach is immediately obliged to squelch. When the other team’s backup quarterback backup quarterback runs your trademark formation and earns accolades for not running up the score, there’s a word for that, a word I recall using with frequency and pleasure in the seventh grade: “moded.” That’s what happened to the Jets Sunday, they got moded.

The squeaker of the week came down to three players in the Monday night game. Going in to the action, Stoicdread was well behind Legitimate Reception, by a score of 71-36, but the Receptions had no players left in action, while Stoicdread had three: Jay Culter, Miles Austin, and DeMarco Murray. With three players teed up, it got close. Very close. Could the Receptions hold on? Would extra points in garbage time be the difference? No! Let down by Dallas, as the Dallas Cowboys do on a reliable basis to fantasy players worldwide, Stoicdread came up short against Legitimate Reception, by one point.

Rounding out the action, Haulin’ Oats fired on all cylinders past the Unlikely Pseudonyms, placing Your Humble Commissioner firmly in last place overall in the league. Last year, the cry was “Suck for Luck” but since ours isn’t a legacy league, the only reward for finishing where I’m at right now is the booby prize. So, um, yeah. Real proud of myself over here.

Here’s your standings. 

Don’t make the same mistake Fuzzy Dunlop did — mind your byes! Good luck to all next week.