What’s a Christmas Movie?

Oh, December!

A season of celebration, reflection, countless traditions and psychological traumas. These December happenings – be they real, imagined or just remembered – mark the passage of time. We are reminded of the importance of friends, family, and how best to make Amazon purchases for on-time delivery. We are also made aware of our mortality, lost youth and our collective disdain for the song Little Drummer Boy.

It’s a hearty, bittersweet soup for the soul, this December business. Pa rum pum pum pum.

But of all our annual machinations, few are as tedious as a relatively recent newcomer. Thanks to social media, every year we are subjected to inane Internet arguments about the 1988 motion picture Die Hard.

Is it really a Christmas movie? Much like Potter Stewart’s definition of pornography, I know a Christmas movie when I see it.

But don’t worry. I come here to bury the Die Hard/Christmas movie debate, not engage in it.

Despite your completely justified reservations, let’s just all agree that a simple Christmastime setting and a flimsy, non-integral plot device are all that’s required for a movie to be considered a holiday film.

By doing so we can finally let this tired, stupid argument fade away and give the trolls something else to obsess over. But more importantly, we can use this amorphous definition of “Christmas movie” to expand our family viewing options.

Think of the possibilities.

No longer must we pretend that we like It’s A Wonderful Life. George Bailey (Jimmy Stewart) is a man driven to the brink of suicide over regret for not living the life he truly wanted. It’s a sad tale of a tormented soul who never followed his bliss.

But through the coordinated gaslighting of a “guardian angel” and a community that habitually took advantage of him for their own benefit, George is tricked into gleeful acceptance of his sorry existence.

Wake up George! Clarence did it for the wings.

So, it’s in this spirit – and our newly agreed to definition of what constitutes a holiday film – I’d like to recommend five Christmas movies that don’t suck.

Spoilers ahead.

Lethal Weapon (1987)

If you really want action in your Christmas movie, Lethal Weapon, not Die Hard, should be your go-to holiday flick. This buddy-cop thriller/comedy has it all: murder, drugs, brawls, prostitution and one serious case of PTSD – all set in LA during the run-up to Christmas. The film ends with Riggs (Mel Gibson) giving his partner Murtaugh (Danny Glover) a symbolic gift that lets us know everything’s going to be alright. But not only that, Danny Glover’s wife is played by Darlene Love, the true Queen of Christmas!

How Die Hard and not this film became the catalyst for our redefining a Christmas movie, I will never know. Released a year earlier, Lethal Weapon has been robbed of its true place in movie history.

Eyes Wide Shut (1999)

If your family is anything like mine, they will appreciate a beautifully directed Christmas movie with dreamlike cinematography and gratuitous female nudity. Stanley Kubrick’s exploration of one man’s holiday ennui follows an emotionally fragile doctor (Tom Cruise) who, in questioning his marriage, searches for infidelity and higher social status. He fails at both objectives, and in the end returns to his wife (Nicole Kidman).

This Christmas movie is sure to be a hit with Grandpa, although he may just fast forward through slow-burn scenes like this one to get to the masquerade orgy part.

The Hateful Eight (2015)

If it’s a Western/Christmas movie you’re looking for, you won’t do much better than Quentin Tarantino’s The Hateful Eight. It’s 1877 in Wyoming and a motley crew comprised mostly of bounty hunters and cold-blooded killers share close-quarters as they wait out a ferocious blizzard.  I’m sure many people can relate to being stuck somewhere they don’t want to be – with people they don’t want to be with – at Christmas. Well, this movie is your allegory. The n-word is dropped so many times, you’ll swear its Christmas 1984 after Uncle Frank had his 5th hot toddy.

The film takes a dramatic turn during the “Silent Night” scene when former Union soldier, Maj. Marquis Warren (Samuel L. Jackson), flips the script on former Confederate Gen. Sanford Smithers (Bruce Dern). This movie is not for the squeamish or easily offended. But if Die Hard is a Christmas movie, so is this one.

Batman Returns (1992)

In the mood for a Superhero/Christmas Movie? It’s Christmastime in Gotham City, and all hell breaks loose when the Penguin (Danny DeVito) launches a terrorist attack during the annual tree lighting ceremony. Tim Burton’s sequel to Batman boasts a star-studded cast that includes Michelle Pfeiffer as Catwoman, Christopher Walken as Max Shrek (the evil billionaire industrialist) and Michael Keaton, in his return to the titular role.

The movie is camp, sometimes funny and often nonsensical, but did I mention Michelle Pfeiffer plays Catwoman?

Goodfellas (1990)

There is nothing like a mafia Christmas party. Especially after you and your co-workers just lifted $6 million in cash and jewelry from Lufthansa at JFK Airport. But mobster merry-making has its limits, as Martin Scorsese masterfully depicts in one of the greatest films of all-time. Clearly Johnny Roastbeef and Carbone didn’t get the memo about the gift exchange dollar limit. Let’s face it, Jimmy Conway (Robert DiNero) had no choice but to put his foot down.

Goodfellas not only showcases the virtues of modest gift-giving, it provides two great pieces of advice for anyone during the holidays: Never rat on your friends and always keep your mouth shut.

Ok, perhaps you’re still not convinced and feel compelled to waste your Christmas Eve watching It’s A Wonderful Life for the 38th time. So be it. I can’t stop you.

But if you do, consider watching the movie through a Cobra Kai lens.

What if the true protagonist is actually Mr. Potter? After all, he is the only man keeping Bedford Falls afloat. Sure he made a few bucks along the way, but if not for him, the town falls into complete ruin.

And don’t forget, Mr. Potter tried to go into business with George, offering him the life he always dreamed of living.

And what did he get in return? Undeserved scorn from a petulant man-baby.

If only George Bailey thought about the good he might do if it were he who managed Potter’s properties… he may have made a real difference. I guess Clarence forgot to mention to George that pride is one of the seven deadly sins.

Anyway, whatever you end up watching this Christmas, here’s hoping that your holiday goes better than it did for the Berzatto family in the Seven Fishes episode of The Bear.

Merry Christmas!