The Month in Theaters December 2022

Sorry this took so long, but the year in review article had priority. I saw nine movies in theaters, with one repeat, and twenty-five movies otherwise, with three repeats, for a total of thirty reviews. I am writing this on the 15^th of January and have already watched twenty-three movies so far in January. (I will probably watch at least two later today after finishing this article you’re reading right now.) Let’s get on with it, shall we?

Violent Night

Movie of the month and the one I saw twice in theaters goes to this lovely action Christmas movie that is a mash up of Santa Claus and Die Hard. Produced by the same studio that brought us the John Wick franchise, this movie is awesome. We had a lackluster release schedule this December due to a movie I will get to soon, but this one started the month off right. David Harbour of Stranger Things fame excels as a Santa Claus beaten down by modernity. This movie made money, so I hope we get multiple sequels and prequels. It has the potential to do both easily. I am spoiling very little of this film as the trailer doesn’t really give many details, including some major members of the cast. I recommend watching it when it comes out on streaming, digital, and/or physical if your local area doesn’t have it anymore by the time you read this. A+.

The Fabelmans

I wanted to like this movie more. It drags hard in the middle. The decision for Stephen Spielberg to make a semi-autobiographical movie about his childhood both makes sense and is weird. The names of his family and other figures were all changed, but presumably still retaining almost all of their actual experiences. I also don’t know why Seth Rogen is in this movie. He doesn’t put in a particularly good performance, so why Spielberg came calling for him specifically is unknown to me. Paul Dano, Michelle Williams, and Judd Hirsch all put in great work, but the main character, the analogue for Spielberg, is both underwhelming and focused on too much due to that. It doesn’t help that a random antagonist of his is wildly and violently (in a very psychotic manner) anti-Semitic. The movie was long enough to explain why he hates Jewish people. A simple scene showing his father is an alcoholic and abuses him would have sufficed. The main character also has a high school girlfriend he clearly does not actually love who is profoundly weirdly Christian (and he makes that clear many times) that he is only dating because she is implied to be very easy, if you catch my drift. That seems to contradict her strong Christianity, but the movie doesn’t care to elaborate even though it easily could have. I can’t give this more than a B+. The movie ends very well, last half an hour or so, making up for the lackluster middle. It includes a stellar cameo that really kicks it in the teeth. This movie should have been tighter.

Spoiler Alert

Spoiler Alert: This was much better than Bros. It has the schmaltzy dialogue and set up romance movies, especially tragic ones, tend to have, but it works well with the material it has. Based on a memoir with a full title that really gives away the ending, I greatly enjoyed this entry in the “love story with cancer in the middle” genre. Jim Parsons and Sally Field are the only major actors I recognize by name, although the rest of the cast of character actors and virtual unknowns all do their part well. Sally Field is especially fun as the awkward mother of Jim Parsons’ character’s boyfriend. I give this a B to B+.

Avatar: The Way of Water

This movie sucked. And because it was assumed to do really well at the box office, the December release schedule was awful. I easily would have seen ten or more movies this month if not for that. (And my general disinterest in seeing Bones and All.) I have already discussed my distaste for this movie in profound detail here, so you all should already know this is an F.

Decision to Leave

A movie that was showing at my local indie theater that intrigued me enough to shell out actual money. (My AMC Stubs A-List membership means I do not directly pay for any movie ticket at AMC as long as I only see three movies or less a week.) It’s a South Korean film in Korean (with subtitles) that clearly reached too hard and missed a little. It’s a thriller mystery sort of thing that wastes too much time in set up. A married detective is attracted to a woman he is investigating for murder. I cannot really say anymore without drastically spoiling the movie, but I will say the movie should have ended with the first twist, but it had another half an hour or more left and threw a bunch more twists that were wildly unnecessary. And the ending, while poignant, is also pretty stupid. Maybe something was lost in translation, but I didn’t like the choice made with the ending. I give this a B to B+.

Whitney Houston: I Wanna Dance with Somebody

This is just not a good biopic. Respect has gotten a failing grade from me in retrospect (I initially gave it a C- but barely grade.) I like this movie more than that, which is why this movie was not in my bottom 20 films of 2022. I give this a C. It misses the cut of my bottom 20 by that much. The problem? There are two core ones. First off, the idiot who made up basically everything that happened in Bohemian Rhapsody also wrote this. Once I knew how little truth was in that film, I just can’t bring myself to watch it again. This one just decides to make up facts that Whitney Houston was not around to defend, like a random gay relationship which didn’t “come out” until after she died and has little corroboration. Beyond that, the film blatantly avoids the known controversial elements of her life almost entirely. Her terrible relationship with Bobbi Brown is almost a footnote in the movie to the point where he’s barely in the film at all and introduced very late. Her known long struggle with drugs is also barely mentioned, even though drugs are almost surely responsible for her death by drowning in a bathtub. It’s hagiographic but blatantly stupid in construction. Only watch this on streaming. You will gain far more knowledge about her life by reading her Wikipedia page. I know I did.

Puss in Boots: The Last Wish

A movie that kicked ass in a way I did not expect. I saw the original for the first time the day before I saw this (more on that later,) but this one is so much better than that. The plot, the new characters, the voice acting, etc. all kicked it into overdrive. The animation, as I mentioned in my year in review article, is more fluid and crisper. This is an A. I don’t want to spoil anything about this as the trailer left out quite a lot. Catch it when you can.

Babylon

Ending the movies in theaters on a somewhat sour note comes this movie that just doesn’t know what it really wants to be. You’d think the director of Whiplash and La La Land would bring it again, but you’d be mistaken. This movie not only bombed hard at the box office (and got far too large a budget for its release window,) but is also over three hours long. The plot is also non-existent. It mostly follows three people in late ‘20s to early ‘30s Hollywood (with a flashforward following one of them for the final twenty minutes or so.) The problem? They have incredibly tenuously related storylines. The main character, as it were, is played by an actor I couldn’t name with a gun to my head. The other two are Margot Robbie and Brad Pitt. Brad Pitt’s arc is very bad in conclusion, but his plot is the most enjoyable. Margot Robbie is a toxic and terrible human being, who does blatantly cutthroat things to make it as an actress in pre-talkies Hollywood. The other character instantly falls for her, but she does not reciprocate and only realizes she’s toxic for him after already completely destroying his career and life in California. You don’t get points for that, lady. This is another C. It also nearly made the list of my bottom 20 films of the year. This is easily Damien Chazelle’s worst movie, although I didn’t particularly love First Man. That’s a downward trajectory, man, as every movie you’ve made was at least slightly worse than the previous one.

EVERYTHING ELSE

I won’t talk about TV shows much here as the new shows I wanted to discuss I already did so in my year in review article. I’m still watching Succession as of right now. I want to get back to Spy x Family and even Demon Slayer but I have yet to go back to either as of this writing. The three movies I have already discussed previously are Studio 666, Die Hard, and Glass Onion: A Knives Out Mystery. The first was watching it with my brother-in-law who was incredibly intrigued, and the middle was with my fiancée who had somehow never seen Die Hard.

Mother, May I Sleep with Danger? sucked. It is another Lifetime movie. F. Just move on.

I finally saw Saving Private Ryan. This is an A. I’d have given this an A+ if any of the people in this movie existed outside of private Ryan or any of the events actually happened. The war sequences, especially D-Day, were amazing and some of the best ever put to film. But basically none of these people existed. And the mission to save him didn’t even happen. There are plenty of actual events during WWII Stephen Spielberg could have gone with and didn’t. Also, neither Tom Hanks nor Stephen Spielberg gave a single cent to the 101^st Airbourne Division foundation when asked. My father was good acquittances through a friend of a WWII veteran from the 101^st. That veteran had asked both to give money, seeing as they both made a ton of cash off a story involving the 101^st Airbourne. They refused. Made my dad hate both Spielberg and Hanks, which continues to this day.

Hacksaw Ridge, in contrast, covered the actual events of a real war hero in almost too much detail. The impressive story of the only conscientious objector to ever receive the Medal of Honor is just insanely good. A+. Mel Gibson brings it. And manages to get an excellent performance out of both Jake Sully and Vince Vaughn. Andrew Garfield and Hugo Weaving also both bring it hard.

After watching Rush Hour 2 in November, I followed through and watched the original Rush Hour. Not as good as the second in my opinion, but I still love it. A+. The second movie doesn’t waste time establishing how Chris Tucker and Jackie Chan are friends, so it has more time for what makes the series work so well. The chemistry is just so good, but the casual racism directed at the Chinese has not aged well. Chris Tucker gets away with it, but he probably shouldn’t have.

Another terrible Lifetime movie, this time with the woman in Fear the Walking Dead and the mother from Malcolm in the Middle, Reviving Ophelia is another F. I didn’t like it. Moving on…

To conclude the trilogy, I watched Rush Hour 3, easily the weakest in the franchise. We are finally getting a fourth one, as Chris Tucker probably still owes the IRS millions of dollars and Jackie Chan can still do his own stunts. This is an A to A+. They go to Paris this time, including an incredibly poor taste cameo from Roman Polanski as a French policeman. I thought for years that was Harvey Keitel, but I was so very wrong. This movie is very funny with excellent action as well. The plot is dumber, though, but Brett Ratner got accused of some very bad things during the MeToo era and has yet to reemerge. The fourth movie will almost surely not involve him unless he owns the rights to the franchise in some way. Buy him off now, Warner Brothers.

Another movie I’ve already talked about and the second-best movie I saw this month, Guillermo del Toro’s Pinocchio is excellent. Best animated movie of the year without question. I do not want to spoil much. It is on Netflix. Watch it. A+.

James Cameron disappoints me again. I snagged The Abyss for pretty cheap on physical off eBay. It is not on any streaming service that doesn’t have commercials, nor has it gotten a physical release in well over a decade. True Lies, probably my favorite or second favorite James Cameron movie, is finally getting a remastered release, but this movie has not. The stupid director’s cut of the film, the one I did not watch, might be why. It is dumb as a box of rocks, especially since he released that cut after the Cold War ended. I won’t get into it, but I sense James Cameron had no real issue with the USSR and probably hated Ronald Reagan. This movie, while exciting at times, just goes on way too long. I give this a B- to B. I expected more and was disappointed. James Cameron has a chip on his shoulder and really hates the US military for some reason unknown to me.

One of the greatest political satires I’ve ever seen, likely only topped by Wag the Dog. My Fellow Americans avoids divisive politics outside of one scene. I do wonder when it takes place. The movie opens to three consecutive presidential elections in a row (concession and victory speeches.) HW is mentioned in a way that makes me assume he was elected President, so the earliest this movie could have taken place is between 2005 and 2008. The movie ends with the next election’s primaries beginning. The technology, much like virtually all ‘60s through mid-‘90s science fiction, is archaic for the year it would take place. This was made in the ’90s, so the technology is stuck there for reasons. This is an A because that one scene is very on the nose in how stupid the writer’s politics must be. Thankfully, it comes and goes, but left a bad taste in my mouth. Also, there’s a twist near the end of the movie that is incredibly stupid as Hell and makes no sense. The movie could have removed it and lost nothing.

Finally saw the sixth entry in the Rocky franchise, Rocky Balboa. It is fine. It deals with the poor relationship Rocky has with his son, as Rocky’s wife Adrian is dead from cancer. The events of the fifth movie, Rocky V, which I was told to avoid, matter a lot for this movie. I skimmed the Wikipedia article for it. There is one excellent speech Rocky gives to his son that is just great. The rest of the movie doesn’t really seem to need to exist outside of that. Creed eventually states offhand that his son moved to Toronto with his wife (who is not in this movie) and we have yet to see him again in either Creed movie. Maybe in the third one with Kang as the bad guy! This is a B to B+. It didn’t disappoint nor did it overstay its welcome, but it didn’t impress me much outside of the speech I already saw on YouTube years prior. The events of this movie did end up mattering to Creed but only in what Rocky was doing after the first five movies. Wikipedia is again your friend if you want to know what they are should you wish to skip this film. Rocky is not coming back for Creed III, probably to allow Adonis to get out of his shadow. I hope the character isn’t dead.

A ridiculous movie that was worth it so hard. Big Game features a plot to kill the President that involves him being hunted after being jettisoned from Air Force One. The President? Samuel L. Jackson. He is saved by a young boy on his “big hunt” ritual for manhood. He is probably a young teenager. The movie is so ridiculous in that straight to DVD feel we used to have in this country. This would now be called a “January release” in modern parlance. The kind of movie that is dumped when there is no real competition, usually with a much smaller budget than a summer action blockbuster release. This is an A+. I was thoroughly entertained from start to finish.

My youngest niece is currently on a crazy Frozen kick, so I watched that with her when I visited around Christmas. It is better than I remember, but the villain twist is still so dumb and out of left field. Subverting expectations in a way that a lot of children’s movies that followed it would do, which I cannot forgive. Children are not old enough to really have expectations to subvert. You didn’t need to do that. I know adults see these movies too, but this movie was not made for them. This is a B. I still like the sequel more, especially “Lost in the Woods.”

I had never seen Love Actually and did not realize it was a hard R. Probably would have watched it before. This is an A. It started the trend of tangentially interconnected ensemble cast movies randomly set during a major holiday. None of them are spoken of in terms as good as this one. This one is worth watching around Christmas.

I didn’t realize how old this was, but I finally watched A Very Murray Christmas. I did not love it as much as my sister does (she had seen it before,) but it was enjoyable. B. Maya Rudolph is there. I don’t like her.

Who Is Harry Nilsson (And Why Is Everybody Talkin’ About Him)? is an incredibly good documentary about Harry Nilsson (it would be weird if it was about anyone else…) I knew very little about his life or his outsized influence on music. I like his stuff. He had a weird life but was friends with a lot of other musicians who came to know him because of how much they loved his music. I need to watch the animated movie he made, but for the time being, you can watch this on Amazon Freevee, Amazon’s ad-supported and free streaming service, one of the few of that kind of streaming service I utilize (but very rarely.) A.

Been awhile since I saw this. Gremlins is another tangentially Christmas movie like Die Hard. I really like this one, although I may like the sequel more (as it went full insane and is also a somewhat tongue-in-cheek parody of this movie.) A+.

This one ain’t great. Puss in Boots was a lazy spin-off of the Shrek franchise. It has the fat guy from The Hangover whose last name is hard to spell and I am too lazy to look up. He was in so many movies around this time probably because he said yes to everything he was offered. Make that bread and everything, but he adds nothing to this. This movie is a C+ at best and is probably why eleven years went by before we got the sequel. I hope the teased return of the other Shrek characters comes to fruition, and they give the director’s chair to the guy who did the sequel.

A movie I had only seen once before and was better than the first time I saw it. Basic Instinct is not a fantastic movie, as the twist is bad due to how predictable it is, but the movie is also very horny. And that part makes up for the predictable twist. B.

Probably the best Christmas movie other than Home Alone (I do not count Die Hard in such a list,) The Muppet Christmas Carol is also my favorite adaptation of A Christmas Carol. A+. The music and Michael Caine’s performance are both top notch. I saw the correct version of the film, which is now restored on Disney+. The “Love is Gone” scene added back. The theatrical version removed it due to studio interference for incredibly stupid reasons. It makes the movie so much better when it was already an impressive film.

A version that is also spoken of highly, the 1984 version of A Christmas Carol is also excellent. I had never seen it before. George C. Scott is in the Scrooge chair this go around. This one has more plot about Scrooge’s family than the previous film. I don’t remember those details in any other version, although I have seen a few others (some of which were bad, others I saw far too long ago to remember specifics.) This is another A+. It gets close but does not dethrone the Muppets. The narrator device allowing word-for-word narration from the original story to be used is probably why.

My fiancée had never seen Little Shop of Horrors, so I corrected that. This is one of my favorite movie musicals. Steve Martin’s song and “Suddenly Seymour” are especially good, as well as “Grow for Me” and the villain song, sung by one of the members of the Four Tops. Frank Oz (Fozzie Bear, Miss Piggy, and Yoda) directed this. The ending is much better than the off-Broadway musical’s original ending. Thank God for that. Unfortunately, the remake was cancelled. A bunch of cameos in this movie as well, almost out of nowhere since virtually all of them are restricted to one scene each. A+.

A movie I only know about because I went through the library of HBO Max. Running Scared is a mostly boilerplate buddy cop movie that is lifted by the acting and chemistry of the two leads, one of which is Billy Crystal. A. It runs into problems in the second act as they unravel the case, but not enough to hurt it.

And that’s everything. I watch a lot of movies… I hope to get back to writing some non-pop culture articles, but whatever…