You’ll Have To Answer To The Coca-Cola Corporation
The only thing good about a summer in Atlanta are the leaves that shield you wherever you go.
The hot southern summers make sweat drip into every crack and crevice of your burning skin, cooling it for only the briefest second before it’s back to the baking heat. The founders of the city fought back against the summer and the sun, lining the streets with magnolias and dogwoods and Southern pines. Those seeds fought through the dirt and rock and soil, battled the blazing heat and the winter cold, and neither rain nor sleet stopped them from growing tall and strong together, linking their arms over the street, like a bridge for squirrels or something.
Because of this, the city earned the moniker “The Canopy City.”
On the right summer day- cool, late afternoon off, standing under the trees, beer in hand- there’s nothing better than listening to the wind play a symphony with those leaves.
Of course, the canopy only exists in the older neighborhoods. The new neighborhoods, the gentrified ones, aren’t built like that- too obsessed with Cindy and Chip’s backyard to give a thought to the streets that anyone else walks.
Gentrifying every fucking neighborhood for tech bro douche canoes. It’s disgusting. It’s why I wear Adidas- threw away my Jordans after they paid those activists to bomb that development in Gresham Park. Lotta people said that that kind of shit isn’t justified, but at least they did something.
Then again, Nike did pay to blow a whaling ship out of the water with a cruise missile, so at least the folks rocking them aren’t assholes like the people who wear New Balance.
…Damn.
…Goddamn.
That’s fucking poetic.
No, seriously, that’s some good shit.
I even name checked Addidas and I’ve been trying to get them to sponsor me forever!
I gotta make sure to use that as the intro to the vid I’m going to post.
Should I do it as, like, the text as the bottom, or should I put it in the video and make it some badass typography stuff?
Ugh, what did Yif do on their last video? That shit was cool as fuuuck. Just really need to up my-
Ah shit!
I missed the damn turn.
My hands slid down the wheel and flicked the signal as I sighed angrily. I was already running behind today, and if I didn’t hit my engagement quota I was gonna have to make content all weekend. I mean, I was planning to wake up at sunrise and grab a shot of me eating the breakfast my girlfriend made, but that’s not, like, real work. I can literally knock that out over breakfast.
But I might be sleeping alone this weekend if I didn’t hear from girlfriend soon, so the whole plan might just be fucked.
We had been on a break for two weeks. Our cell carriers were in a debate about the ethics of cloning, and getting in touch with each other had been near impossible.
What was especially bullshit about it is that-while I don’t know much about the issue- from the videos I saw and based on this article I read, she is just dead wrong on this one. I don’t understand how anyone can support a company like that, but she’s a nice girl all things considered, if a little bit trad.
Big tits don’t hurt neither.
As I continued cruising down the street, my car started to make that noise again, and I sighed. I pulled over, shut it off, turned it back on, and then stood on the gas while it was in park in order to get the sound to stop. Fucking piece of shit.
I drive a Cokemobile 578 XRC. It’s a company car, so I shouldn’t expect much, but it’s all electric, 400 miles range, decent trunk space. Suppose it could be worse. Plus, it’s basically the most environmentally friendly car on the market.
At least, that’s what we’re supposed to say. It’s actually one of the least environmentally friendly cars on the market- the battery might as well be made out of uranium- but the company doesn’t own stock in the most environmentally friendly car on the market, so we just say this one is instead.
I’m under strict instructions to run any Tesla I see off the road.
I should be more against it- it’s really some mad shady business practices when you, like, think about it for five seconds- but I guess if the cars were actually good for the environment, I wouldn’t have a job.
See, the company wants to project a green image, and people like me are there to do it. I came up like a lot of people do: vlogging and gaming, letting people get to know the real me one video at a time. But eventually I realized that big engagement was in political shit- people go nuts for that stuff. Do you even know how many followers you get for burning a slaughterhouse to the ground? Cuz I fucking do now and it is substantial! Shit, even if you eat meat- like I do- you’d be stupid not to.
After that, I was in the joint for like a week before Coke came calling with a Brand Ambassador position.
Of course, I jumped on it. Six figures a year and diplomatic immunity? Yes, I’ll take your money, oh big soulless corporation, especially after you paid for a lawyer who managed to argue me down to misdemeanor. The court even let me pick up trash on the side of the highway while streaming and wearing branded clothing, which was super nice of them. Might’ve helped that the judge got a free subscription to my sister’s OnlyFans about midway through the trial.
Shame about the two workers who got hurt in the fire.
A guard post rose in the distance as I accelerated down the street. Gated community, one of the nicer ones based on the Browning automatic mounted on a tripod at the right side of the gate; Middle class carried a Glock, poorer ones could only afford a rent-a-cop with a taser, but it was all still better than the police.
At least when a gate guard shot someone who lived there, they got fired.
Wasn’t quite the case for non-residents, which is why I made sure to pull my papers out onto the passenger seat for easy access. Guard was pretty chill though: big old black dude, probably some ex-cop getting a pension while having to do nothing more dangerous than carry pepper spray and chase after poodles. I gave him my card and told him to check out my socials. He was probably too old to be on most of ‘em but everyone has Facebook. Anyway, you don’t stay in this game long if you’re not willing to hustle your ass off and self-promote like crazy.
You have to be as much of a brand as the brands that are paying you, y’know?
I focused up as the gate swung down behind me. I played ball in high school- making trick shots was the first way I got followers, even if they were only my classmates- and though I was only a bench warming backup shooting guard, but I was always into all that inspirational AMV, sports movie speech, Kobe Mamba mentality shit.
Time to go to work, you suburban motherfuckers.
My eyes swept the sidewalks as my car slowly rolled down the streets. I snapped shots of some stray trash for the story I’d post later, but didn’t stop to pick up the pieces. There were only one or two, the car stopping would probably blow them halfway down the street… there was really no point.
They were better for building a narrative anyway. The things we do to this beautiful world of ours. It really makes you stop and think sometimes. We all need to do a better job of being the change we want to see in the world. That starts with not throwing our trash on the ground in the first place, so we can keep this world as beautiful for our children as the ones our parents gave to us.
Have a Coke and a smile?
Nah, too on the nose. People don’t like to know they’re being sold shit. Not because its deceptive or that kinda bullshit, but because all that sincere corporate messaging is lame as fuck. Ads aren’t as real as people like me. If they were, I wouldn’t be saving for a house.
About three quarters of the way through my patrol of the neighborhood, I hit the jackpot. Guy on the corner had just loaded a leaf blower into his truck and was having a smoke. Assholes like that always littered their butts on the ground.
I tried to play it cool. Drove as slowly as I could up the street so he wouldn’t notice. Otherwise, dude might’ve hopped in his car and taken off when he saw me coming. I don’t want to brag or act like I’m that big a fucking deal, but I got over a million followers and some people get intimidated by that kind of fame.
Not everyone wants to be a social media star.
Not everyone can handle it.
The nice thing about an electric car is that they didn’t hear you coming. I parked about halfway down the street and left it unlocked so that he wouldn’t be alerted by the beep. I also decided to pop my drone out of the trunk as well. It’s not as old school as the selfie stick or as authentic as those contact cameras some people have started using, but there’s really nothing better if you want to get your whole body in the frame.
Look, I didn’t get a gym membership written into my sponsorship contract just for the smoothies. I ain’t hot enough to do a porn stream and that shit limits sponsorship anyway, but I won’t lie that I’ve thought of doing it. Figure the comments would be funny, if nothing else.
Eh, whatever. Probably wait to do that when I really need it- people love to watch old celebrities fuck. That Tommy Lee-Pamela Anderson movie still does the rounds and her tits popped like silicon balloons years ago.
Shit, I was losing the light. If I didn’t start this stream soon, I’d be back to having to work all damn weekend, and I really didn’t feel like shaming my neighbor for forgetting to sort his recycling properly again.
I fixed my hair, tugged on my clothes, took a deep breath, and began.
“Hey there, this is Burnt Toast, just driving around the city, keeping it beautiful- y’know, like I do, I’m kind of a big deal like that,” I made sure to sweeten my laugh as I finished. I mean, I am kind of a big fucking deal, but people don’t like to be told that.
Which is totally bullshit, because it’s not like it’s my fault that their content sucks. I work my ass off to get subscribers, and I shouldn’t be punished for that, but, like, people are idiots, I guess.
“First of all, just wanna give a shout to some of my supporters and comments. Like, special shoutout to Ballz4Dayz because that’s hilarious dude and I gotta know who you bribed at Google to get that. Also, gonna shout out my new followers FurBabies, CodKing, DaddysLittleCumAngel, and SoonerBoomer42, thanks y’all for joining the Canopy Cleanup Army and good on you for getting involved in your community. And finally…”
My eyes slid to the corner of the screen to check the time as I did the math. Her hobby supply store gave them three “Prayer Breaks” a day; the hour long one where she got to eat was coming up. She had said that she sometimes borrows a coworker’s phone to watch my stream.
It was worth a shot.
“…wanna give a shoutout to my baby girl, who’s watching this right now and always supporting me. No, I’m not giving you guys her name- you buncha pervs would probably just harass her for feet pics or some shit.”
I quickly waved my hand dismissively.
“Ah, I’m just kidding, you guys are all right.”
They weren’t. They had totally done that to my last girlfriend.
“But baby, I just wanted to say… I know our phones have been mad shady about talking to each other, but I’m gonna be free this whole weekend and you know where my place is so if you wanna hit me up, just like- watch a movie and chill- then I’ll be around.”
“Anyway,” I continued, “I just wanted to do a stream- sponsored by Coke- because I saw a guy littering down the street and you guys know how I feel about that. I’m not going to do the full rant now, but you can check out my other videos if you’re unfamiliar, I’ll drop the playlist in the links at the bottom. But, uh… yeah, let’s just see if we can’t get this guy to understand the harm he’s doing to this city and our planet.”
I waved over my shoulder for the camera to follow me, and began to slowly walk down the street. The drones lens zoomed as it stayed stationary to create the proper effect, and I smiled at my own skill. I was good at this shit.
Guy was just stamping out his butt on the street when I strolled up behind him- exactly what I was waiting for. Fuckin’ paydirt you dumb swarthy bitch.
“Do you know you’re smoking in front of a house where children live? Sir? Sir??!!” I shouted as I approached. That might not be true: I had no idea if they had kids or not because I hadn’t checked the address against the database. The company uses social media and cookies on other sites to keep one, as well as direct signups on the website, and if I had the time I would’ve looked because it is generally best practice. Still, they had a Coke sticker in their window, and what adult drinks soda if it’s not with booze?
“Who the fuck?!” The guy blurted out as he turned his body away from me, making a beeline for the car.
“Did you know that every year smoking kills over 1 million Americans every year, including every year over 100,00 children every year?” I had no idea if it was true, but it’s not like anyone else did. People would argue in the comments-that’d be good for engagement-and no one could get that mad because everyone knows that smoking is bad. Seriously, who’s going to cape for the tobacco companies? We all sat through history class and saw those ads selling cigarettes to kids.
Damn corporate liars.
“That sounds-” He began to say, while yanking on his door. Sadly, in all the chaos I had caused, he had forgotten to actually unlock it. Instead, he was fumbling for his keys, a sitting duck for center frame.
“Smoking fills the streets and our children’s lungs with noxious poison engineered to be as addictive as possible by soulless corporations who don’t care if you die as long as they get their money first,” I continued as if he had said nothing. He may as well have. People didn’t look at these videos for conversation- if they wanted that, they’d be into those five-hour podcasts where the host gets you high halfway through and the whole thing ends up being about how cool the mating habits of humpback whales are.
Naw, what people wanted to see on my videos was justice. And justice is swift.
“Bro, I’m just doing my job. I’m leaving now.” The man said, and as he threw his leaf blower into the truck bed, I heard him mutter, “Jerk.”
I quickly stepped in front of him. I’m not ripped or tall, but I’m big enough for people to take a second before they draw their fist back to swing it.
“And I’m just doing my job of saving the fucking planet, asshole! Look at this,” I said, pulling a cigarette butt I had pocketed during my walk up. “What then fuck is this, huh, man? You just out here, littering, filling these streets with filth? Cigarette filters are made of fiberglass, cyanide, poison… all kinds of shit man. That gets into our water, into our air… into our children man.”
“Dude, there wasn’t a trash can on the street. I’ll just pick them up and take them in the car.”
“Oh, so you can just throw them out the window the second you turn the corner? Oh no, no no no buddy, that’s not good enough. You’re just like all the others!”
I had no idea who all the “others” were but my viewers would. They were anyone you needed them to be. They’d be every jerk who didn’t get what was coming to them- every idiot who cut you off in traffic, every asshole who revved their engine outside your window.
“Dude, if you don’t move, I’m gonna deck you,” the guy snarled.
“Oh, please do! Please take a swing at me! I’m sure the police- and my millions of fans- would love to see that.” I put my hands together and leaned forward, “Please, please give me the evidence to sue your ass so hard I never have to do shit again.”
“What evidence?!” He spat.
“Yeah, asshole!” I said, pointing upwards as I flicked my thumb across the phone to make the drone strafe us overhead. “You’re on camera, on the Canopy Cleanup Army, part of the Coke Green Stream asshole!”
“What the…” The guy began to sputter, words flying off of his tongue faster than his brain could put them in order that would make any sense of them. I had seen it before, and I smiled a little bit. There’s just something viscerally satisfying about watching people who are allergic to accountability being confronted with it.
I took the opportunity to talk to the camera, “See, this is why we gotta be out here. A whole lotta jerks- total assholes, really, pardon my French- who don’t think- probably not very smart, high school education at best- of the impact that global warming will have on all of us. These denialists-”
“I never said shit about global warming!” the man blurted.
“These denialists,” I said again raising my voice, “are the reason that your children will live underwater, terrified of the hurricanes and major weather events which will be a daily occurrence if we don’t do more to heal our planet. The time is now, and the choice… is yours.”
I felt a bump against my chest and looked down to see the guy jabbing his finger into it. “Turn off the stream,” he said.
“Oh yeah?” I said, reaching in my pocket to feel the large metal cylinder I kept there.
“Yeah, turn off the fucking camera asshole!”
My smile widened, and the man backed off, thinking I was digging in my pocket for my phone, which was perfect. It gave me the time to bring out my telescoping baton and unfurl it. It gave him too little time to react, to defend himself, before I brought it down hard on his leg.
“Profanity?!!! Coke is a family friendly corporation, fuckwit!!!” I roared over the sickening crack of bone snapping in two.
Later that night, I was laying in bed with my girlfriend. She had seen the stream, thought it was cute, and now had a full throat to prove it. I reached over her head to the bedside table to check the stream quickly. Over one hundred thousand likes and fifty thousand shares, and it hadn’t even been up two hours.
I had a hot girlfriend, a good car in the garage, I got to help change the world, and I wouldn’t have to work this weekend.
I love this job.
