Goodbye, Summer! (And don’t let the door hit you on the way out.)

I hate Summer.

I know. That’s like admitting you hate puppies and baseball and America. Who doesn’t love SUMMER? Well, people like me who get overheated very easily.  I can’t leave my house from Memorial Day until Labor Day. I often skip going to the mailbox on Saturdays because I don’t want to walk down the driveway. I struggle to take the garbage out every week. My back yard might as well be a bubbling cauldron of lava because I’m not going to walk through it. I keep my A/C blasting so hard that my windows are fogged over. My electric bills are bankrupting me. This Summer has been particularly brutal. We’ve had 72 days this year where the temperatures topped 90 degrees. That’s 20% of the year! We hit a record high of 95 for 9/11.

But, rejoice! Today is the first day of Fall! Time for chilly nights, colorful foliage and warm beverages.

BWAHAHAHAHHAHAHA! Just kidding! You see, I live in Atlanta. The calendar may say it’s the first day off Fall, but my thermometer still says 89. It will be back in the 90’s by the end of the week. Summer apparently didn’t get the memo that it was supposed to pack it in and get the hell out of here. It’s apparently planning to stay. Maybe forever. It wasn’t always this way. I remember when I was younger, I used to own these things called “fall sweaters.” They were maroon and orange and had leaf patterns woven into them. Now, I need a fall tank top. Don’t tell me climate change isn’t real!

I went to college in New England. Now THEY know how to celebrate fall! October in New England is the 8th wonder of the world. We even had a special holiday at my school called “Mountain Day.” One morning, the president of the college would wake up and ring the bells. This would signal that classes were cancelled and we were all free to enjoy the beautiful weather.

If someone offered me a job, I would move out of this hellhole in a minute. “But then, you’d be complaining about the winter!” Yeah, but at least that would make me NORMAL. Everyone hates winter. Complaining about it is our national pastime. The brilliant Chicago Tribune columnist Mike Royko wrote a hysterical column on ways to stay warm in the winter (if anyone has a copy of it, please send it to me.) Last year, it didn’t even get cold enough to qualify as “Winter.” It didn’t even snow once! We had 80 degree weather in February. I never even got to make chili. I might have worn my cashmere sweaters once. I would actually enjoy some cold weather for a change.

I get it. We’re a Republican state and there have been budget cutbacks, so we can’t AFFORD to have all 4 seasons anymore. But who ordered the extra helping of sweltering Summer? I think if you put it to a vote, most people would have chosen 9 months of Atlanta Spring weather, with the azaleas and dogwoods in bloom. Instead, we got stuck with the Summer that WILL. NOT. END!

At least everything other than the weather is following the calendar. School already started (back in AUGUST!) We’ll still have Halloween next month. And best of all, we have FOOTBALL! I’m sitting here watching it in shorts and a T shirt, but it’s back! We’ll still be playing baseball in October since the Braves clinched the NL East again. That’s the only part of Summer I DON’T want to see end.

Someone pass me the fan. It’s getting warm in here again.