Trigger Warning – Contains naughty words, disturbing imagery, dysfunction, violent symbolism, misogyny, references to domestic abuse, fire, knives, and Michael Madsen.
Most love songs are sweet and touching little ditties about average people who meet and behave like rational individuals under the influence of slightly more oxytocin (that’s the cuddle hormone, dudes and dudettes) than normal.
Those songs are boring.
Luckily, they make music for twisted and dysfunctional creeps too.
If you, like me and Britney Spears, prefer your romance a little more toxic, I got you covered.
*****
This Valentine’s Day I hope you get to Netflix and chill with someone who wants your ugly.
And possibly even your disease.
Lady Gaga – “Bad Romance”
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Ever have that guy that just hangs on a little too tight for a little too long? Literally?
Sarah Vaughan (remix by Pontus Winnberg) – “Please Mr. Brown”
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In the interest of gender equity I have to point out that women can cling too tightly sometimes, too.
Melanie, “Brand New Key”
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Kinda noticing as I have these all laid out here most of them are songs by women.
Weird.
In This Moment – “Whore”
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True love means never having to say “please be my boyfriend”.
Or does it?
“Take a Chance On Me” by ABBA
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My mom always said “To get boys to like you, just be yourself.”
These guys have a totally different take on that concept.
Animotion – “Obsession”
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As a general rule I hate the “bitchez be crazy” trope.
But I make exceptions for any song with Michael Madsen in the video.
“Black Widow” by Iggy Azalea ft. Rita Ora
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Songs about love being like a weapon abound. Here’s one of my favorites.
“Raise Your Weapon” by deadmau5 ft. Greta Svabo Bech
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Sometimes love is sharp and stabby like some kind of cutting implement.
Gloria Estefan – “Cuts Both Ways”
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Sia’s album 10,000 Forms of Fear is a paean to female sexuality.
“Straight for the Knife” is the stabbiest song on a fantastic album.
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Sometimes love gets so darn stabby you start planning your own funeral.
The Band Perry – “Better Dig Two”
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This chick has never heard the adage “There are a lot of fish in the sea”.
Garbage – “#1 Crush”
https://youtu.be/PX7LLua5NCM
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Next up, a song so disturbing I can’t even make a joke about it.
The Crystals – “He Hit Me (And It Felt Like A Kiss”)
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Ever wonder if a wordless song could accurately capture the at-times adversarial nature of love?
I give you Lindsey Stirling’s “Roundtable Rival”.
Sometimes it’s like we’re playing two different instruments, amirite?
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I remember when I first posted on Ordinary Times.  Everyone seemed like ginormous jerks.
But this song was the musical selection that week and I thought “These people can’t be all bad.”
Florence + The Machine – “Kiss With A Fist”
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Sometimes when it comes to living happily ever after, you’re your own worst enemy.
Amy Winehouse – “You Know I’m No Good”
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This one goes out to all the girls out there who get treated like crap and keep comin’ back for more.
“Piece of My Heart” by Janis Joplin
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This one goes out to all the older women who get treated like crap and keep comin’ back for more.
“I Can’t Make You Love Me” by Bonnie Raitt
Sometimes you know you’re gonna get treated like crap but you keep coming back for more.
Sara Bareilles – “Lie To Me”
*****
When you open yourself up for love, you gotta know there’s a possibility you’re gonna get burned.
Eminem ft Rihanna – “Love The Way You Lie”
Photo by CarbonNYC [in SF!]
My favorite fucked up love song is probably the Afghan Whigs’ “What Jail is Like”.
Also I’m a big fan of that Garbage song, which is not a garbage song.
What can I say? I was a teenager in the ’90s.
I’ve actually never heard that before, thanks, I really liked it.
Awesome.
The whole album is good. Probably my favorite junior year of high school.
(In retrospect, I can see why the message that romantic relationships are horribly painful might appeal to a perpetually dateless 17 year old.)
Crystal Castles ft. Robert Smith – Not in love
Love it! Thanks!
Honestly tho, the whole idea of “messed up love songs” from Crystal Castles is … well … it’s a thing.
My favorites (probably a good thing I’m already married):
I Hold Your Hand in Mine
Skullcrusher Mountain
I’m not sure its possible to beat the poignant lovelorn question for the ages:
“Isn’t it enough to know that I ruined a pony making a gift for you?”
Skullcrusher Mountain speaks to me.
There’s still time left in the day to make your own and give it to your valentine: http://www.bmgbiz.net/ponkey.html
…and I was just starting to panic. Thanks.
On humorous bad love side, add
How can I miss you if you won’t go away?
Check out “Baby I Love You” by The Yayhoos. You may recognize it as the closing song of the horror/comedy Slither.
Oh, jeez. And that reminds me of this one.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TkAUCWbUpJM
That’s a fun one. Reminded me thematically of this parody that was topical a couple of months ago (I assume everyone saw it at the time, but just in case…).
That’s great!
Thanks. I don’t know how I missed it.
Heh. That’s pretty funny!
Hahahahaha! Unbelievably awesome thank you so much!
I love this! All my favorite love songs are of the obsessed/crazy/toxic love variety so this is right up my alley. You even named a few of them- #1 Crush, Love the Way You Lie, Bad Romance.
Also, Make Me Wanna Die by The Pretty Reckless
A bunch of Fiona Apple
Call Me a Dog by Temple of the Dog
Sanctified by NIN
Habits by Tove Lo
I could go on but I won’t.
Great piece Kristin!
I actually thought about including Habits but I have something planned for next month…
Thanks for the suggestions!
Then there is the “file a restraining order now!” genre. The classic example is, of course, The Police’s Every Breath You Take. But this is my favorite. It starts out as a classic “she done him wrong” song, until it comes out that the wrong was telling him to go away, But he won’t let that stop him! Disturblingly enough, I think this is meant to be romantic, not a giant red flag.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_l5JXiwJ_B8
Yes. There are way too many songs like Creepy, Creepy Love but that aren’t parody.
This fits in there with my genre of songs where if someone just waits around long enough, the person who isn’t interested will suddenly become interested and that loyalty will be rewarded.
Thanks!
Gotta get my nine inch nails in.
Reptile from the Downward Spiral
[youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sfhkXxmnYHc?start=55&w=560&h=315%5D
And an earlier one. Sin from Pretty Hate Machine:
[youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fEWdjtMmqGo?start=55&w=560&h=315%5D
Aaah, thanks – can’t leave out NIN in any such list
There are only three types of love songs:
1. Baby, I love you
2. Baby, I love you and miss you
3. Baby, I love you and want to get into your pants
I don’t like Bruce Springsteen much, but “The Fever” is pretty damned tough to beat.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_mLmoR3WhX0
Me either, but yeah, that’s good.
Meatloaf has some amazing messed up love songs. Everyone knows “Paradise by the Dashboard Light”, but there’s “2 Out 3 Ain’t Bad” and far lesser know “Dead Ringer for Love” which has this wonderfully duet ending with this set of lyrics:
“..You got the kind of mind that does less than think
But since I’m feeling kinda lonely and my defenses are low
Why don’t you give it a shot and get it ready to go
I’m looking for anonymous and fleeting satisfaction
And I want to tell my daddy I’ll be missing in action
Ever since I can remember I’ve been hanging ’round this joint
My daddy never noticed, now he’ll finally get the point
You got me beggin’ on my knees, c’mon and throw the dog a bone
A man he doesn’t live by rock ‘n roll and brew alone
Baby baby Rock ‘n roll and brew, rock ‘n roll and brew
They don’t mean a thing when I compare ’em next to you
Rock ‘n roll and brew, rock ‘n roll and brew
I know that you and I oh we got better things to do
I don’t know who you are or what you do, or where you go when you’re not around
I don’t know anything about you baby, but you’re everything
I’m dreaming of I don’t know who you are, but you’re a real dead ringer for love
A real dead ringer for love
Dead ringer for love
Dead ringer for love, dead ringer?”
You are totally right and before I turned this into a mostly-female list I had him on there as a possibility. Thanks as always for reading/commenting!
Good stuff Kristin.
Ain’t No Sunshine-Bill Withers
Paint it Black-The Rolling Stones
Sundown-Gordon Lightfoot
Drops of Jupiter-Train
The Valley Road-Bruce Hornsby and the Range
Dark Nights-Dorothy
Cold Cold Heart-Hank Williams
Rose in Paradise-Waylon Jennings
If anybody’s bored, here’s a playlist that includes at least some of the songs that have already been mentioned here, but that also has Mazzy Star, Alicia Keys, Sam Cooke, UNKLE, Big Mama Thornton, and They Might Be Giants.
Thanks.
If you’ve got Paint It Black on your list, you should also have Black by Pearl Jam. But those are more heartbreak songs.
Elvis Costello’s label asked him to do a light-mood love song to get back on the charts. This is what he wrote:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=knTvHRz_qnU
“I know someday you’ll have a beautiful life
I know you’ll be a star
In somebody else’s sky”
I avoid that song because I lived that part in color, it’s hard to hear it again.
“…but why, why can’t it be mine?”
Yeah. I don’t care who you are, if you’re 14 or older, that line is a gut punch. The live version of that song, from On Two Legs, has one of my favorite guitar leads. The guitar, the vocals, everything about that song is coughing up blood by the end. The vocals aren’t even words by that point. There’s an acoustic live version that’s pretty good, too.
Perfect synopsis. Love PJ and love this song.
Ah I love these, except for Dorothy, which I hadn’t heard before, and then listened to, and also love! Thank you!
Your very welcome, something about that song appeals to my dark side.
Add to this list a lot of stuff from Halestorm for instance
https://youtu.be/YpJAmlnBxoA
https://youtu.be/FmkHqUwa4zg
I’m pretty surprised that Alanis Morisette is not in this list
https://youtu.be/NPcyTyilmYY
I deliberately skipped Alanis. I had a list of obvious choices to sprinkle in and I decided she’d be better off used in a different application.
Love me some Halestorm and I actually meant to include them and forgot to. Thank you!
I deliberately skipped Alanis.
Thanks!
No “See How We Are?” by X
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XPf286i_Wa0
Interesting song, thanks.
Or we can stick with poetry. Here is Having a Coke with You by Frank O’Hara:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YDLwivcpFe8
Nice. Thanks.
The Luckiest Guy on the Lower East Side by the Magnetic Fields:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GhO1XlDFqxE
This guy may be in for a surprise. Attractiveness doesn’t work the same for girls as it does for dudes. He may end up with a girlfriend at the end of it all.
Disco 2000 by Pulp:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qJS3xnD7Mus
To compliment the OP, Vinegar Valentine’s.
https://www.atlasobscura.com/articles/vinegar-valentines-victorian
I read a lot of books from the late 1800’s to early 1900’s and people used to be quite mean to each other. It was largely codified into society (as the vinegar valentines prove)
I sometimes wonder if we just were so lucky to live through a brief and shining period of history where people looked askance at freely criticizing one another, and the era of social media is just a return to form. Humans doing more of their human thing.
Babies by Pulp
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=38by00DGid0
Also the great Common People by Pulp
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yuTMWgOduFM
Ahem, Loverman by Nick Cave
L is for LOVE, baby
O is for O yes I do
V is for VIRTUE, so I ain’t gonna hurt you
E is for EVEN if you want me to
R is for RENDER unto me, baby
M is for that which is MINE
A is for ANY old how, darling
N is for ANY old time
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P51IVqf28Hs
A love song for… a Road? Well, it is Lake Shore Drive.
But isn’t the Anthem for Ironic Love songs: Song for Whoever
{We were so young}
I started make an Ironic Love Song list, but stopped when I realized it was mostly just Beautiful South songs. The again, given our demographics, maybe this is the Perfect messed-up love song for Valentines.
Mamacita by Outkast is spectacularly messed up.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XnHzhK0te5Q
“Don’t Think Twice, It’s All Right”, in which Dylan tries to tells a woman he’s leaving, except that she’s never paid him any attention before, so why should she start now?
Wow I’ve listened to that song quite a few times and never got that – but now it’s obvious.
Thanks!
My favorite messed up love song is Read About Love by Richard Thompson
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nw7d4pVKHyo
Oooh, that’s great. Thanks.
https://youtu.be/eHrekB-Pp_o
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eHrekB-Pp_o
you’re speaking my language, Pat.