Noah Hears From God While on Twitter

If God decided to destroy the earth with a flood in 2018…

Noah is tapping away furiously on Twitter when he hears a thunderous voice with reverb – like he’s maxed out his Beats headphones:

God: Moses!

Noah: Geeze that’s loud! It’s Noah.

God: Sorry… Noah! I am the Lord!

Noah: I thought you were all knowing?

God: I had the wrong script - don’t judge me.

God: I want you to build an ark!

Noah (quick google search): You mean like… an arc of history bending toward 
toward justice? I’m down with that. Let me organize a quick protest. 

God: No, an ark is a ginormous boat. 

Noah: Oh, you mean BUILD an ark - like with my hands. You know I’m 
just a Starbucks barista right? 

God: I know, but the beauty of the foam artwork you create in the latte has 
reached to heaven. So nevertheless it is well. 

Noah: You mean good? It is good? 

God: The rules for well and good cause calamity and trouble throughout the Internet! 

Noah: Why are you talking like that? 

God: I’m supposed to be inscrutable, but we’ve gotten off topic. About the boat - 
I’m going to destroy the earth with a flood and save just you and your wife and 
children… uh significant others and peeps.

Noah: This is so going on my meme wall! Right ok, tell me more.

God: It’s gotta be a really big boat - 300 cubits long.

Noah: cubits?

God: Yes, it’s the span of a forearm including the length of the hand. 

Noah: is that just any arm because we have this president and based on his hand 
size it could be pretty tiny and I…

God: Your arm! … It’s your arm all right? 

Noah: Ok, so I got a big-ass boat. What do I do with it?

God: I am the Lord. You may call it huge, big, ginormous but you may not call it
 “big ass” as that is NOT well with me.

Noah: I’m sorry Lord, we tend to add “ass” to things as a form of verbal filler 
to accentuate over-the-top descriptive words.

God: Are you mansplaining to me right now?

Noah: uh… no, no carry on.

God: I’m going to destroy the earth, so the ark is for life to survive.

Noah: I’ve seen Final Fantasy - I know the gist. 

God: er… right, so you shall gather together 2 of every living creature, male and female.

Noah: You mean reproductively right? Because…

God (increasingly exasperated): Yes, Noah, reproductively male and female. Given that it's for 
reproduction and I don’t care how they feel about it.

Noah: Got it, go on.

God: You may also take 7 of each kind of animal you wish to eat. 
You will be at sea a long time.

Noah: Well my GF is vegan but I’m on board with that - so 7 cows, 7 pigs, 7 goats, 
7 chickens, 7 rabbits…

God: No! Not the rabbits. If you take 7 rabbits for 40 days and nights you’ll be 
walking on a carpet of rabbits by the time you hit landfall.

Noah: I suppose we could substitute armadillos - I’ve never had one but I hear they taste 
like chicken.  You wouldn’t consider an exception and allow for 14 chickens in lieu of 
the rabbits would you? 

God: Yes ok, anything else? 

Noah: Great! Let’s talk about fishing? I love me some sushi, can I just fish for food?

God: Maybe, but you should be really careful - you only have 2 worms.

Noah: Right… now about those termites. How do you feel about me putting them in an iron box? 

God: Never mind, I’m just going to plan B - the great meteor of death.