Noah Hears From God While on Twitter
If God decided to destroy the earth with a flood in 2018…
Noah is tapping away furiously on Twitter when he hears a thunderous voice with reverb – like he’s maxed out his Beats headphones:
God: Moses! Noah: Geeze that’s loud! It’s Noah. God: Sorry… Noah! I am the Lord! Noah: I thought you were all knowing? God: I had the wrong script - don’t judge me. God: I want you to build an ark! Noah (quick google search): You mean like… an arc of history bending toward toward justice? I’m down with that. Let me organize a quick protest. God: No, an ark is a ginormous boat. Noah: Oh, you mean BUILD an ark - like with my hands. You know I’m just a Starbucks barista right? God: I know, but the beauty of the foam artwork you create in the latte has reached to heaven. So nevertheless it is well. Noah: You mean good? It is good? God: The rules for well and good cause calamity and trouble throughout the Internet! Noah: Why are you talking like that? God: I’m supposed to be inscrutable, but we’ve gotten off topic. About the boat - I’m going to destroy the earth with a flood and save just you and your wife and children… uh significant others and peeps. Noah: This is so going on my meme wall! Right ok, tell me more. God: It’s gotta be a really big boat - 300 cubits long. Noah: cubits? God: Yes, it’s the span of a forearm including the length of the hand. Noah: is that just any arm because we have this president and based on his hand size it could be pretty tiny and I… God: Your arm! … It’s your arm all right? Noah: Ok, so I got a big-ass boat. What do I do with it? God: I am the Lord. You may call it huge, big, ginormous but you may not call it “big ass” as that is NOT well with me. Noah: I’m sorry Lord, we tend to add “ass” to things as a form of verbal filler to accentuate over-the-top descriptive words. God: Are you mansplaining to me right now? Noah: uh… no, no carry on. God: I’m going to destroy the earth, so the ark is for life to survive. Noah: I’ve seen Final Fantasy - I know the gist. God: er… right, so you shall gather together 2 of every living creature, male and female. Noah: You mean reproductively right? Because… God (increasingly exasperated): Yes, Noah, reproductively male and female. Given that it's for reproduction and I don’t care how they feel about it. Noah: Got it, go on. God: You may also take 7 of each kind of animal you wish to eat. You will be at sea a long time. Noah: Well my GF is vegan but I’m on board with that - so 7 cows, 7 pigs, 7 goats, 7 chickens, 7 rabbits… God: No! Not the rabbits. If you take 7 rabbits for 40 days and nights you’ll be walking on a carpet of rabbits by the time you hit landfall. Noah: I suppose we could substitute armadillos - I’ve never had one but I hear they taste like chicken. You wouldn’t consider an exception and allow for 14 chickens in lieu of the rabbits would you? God: Yes ok, anything else? Noah: Great! Let’s talk about fishing? I love me some sushi, can I just fish for food? God: Maybe, but you should be really careful - you only have 2 worms. Noah: Right… now about those termites. How do you feel about me putting them in an iron box? God: Never mind, I’m just going to plan B - the great meteor of death.