Stolen, shamelessly, from Kyle Cupp’s Facebook feed:
“Whom would you cast in a remake of CLUE?”
My response wasn’t “Who needs to remake CLUE?!?!” I think I’ve gotten over my past knee-jerk reaction about remakes. Let’s just all agree that they’re statistically likely to be bad, and they’re statistically likely to make money, and they’re in-house intellectual property so movie studios will probably continue to make them. Since they’re sometimes actually entertaining, and sometimes (even if very very rarely) better than the original, let’s take them as an opportunity for hope instead of despair.
In that vein, recasting gives us the opportunity to present our own spin on classics. Here’s my draftee list for a remake of Clue. I include a movie line for you to picture said actor delivering said line, to justify my objectively correct choices.
First, for the nod to the original:
Tim Curry gets the walk-on as The Chief (Hessman’s role in the original). Michael McKean gets The Motorist (Kramer). Martin Mull might be able to do The Cop.
Now, the new crew:
Mrs. Peacock (Brennan) is Helen Mirren. “Well, I’m sure I don’t know. But if I wasn’t trying to keep the conversation going, then we would just be sitting here in an embarrassed silence.”
Mrs. White (Khan) is Ming-Na Wen. “Flames on the side of my face.”
Ms. Scarlet (Warren) is Kristen Wiig. “Oh, I’m being blackmailed all right, but I did what I’m being blackmailed for.”
Mr. Green (Mc Kean) is Paul Rudd. “I can’t unlock the door WITHOUT THE KEY!”
Prof Plum (Lloyd) is Jim Parsons. “You don’t know what kind of people they have at the U.N., I might go up in their estimation.”
Col. Mustard (Mull) is Jim Gaffigan. “How many husbands have you had?”
Wadsworth (Curry) is John Cusack. “All right, I am! I’m shouting, I’m shouting, I’M SHOUTING!”
Mr. Boddy (Ving) is Javier Bardem. “He has the key to the front door, which he said would only be opened over his dead body. I suggest we take him up on that offer.”
Yvette (Camp) is Jennifer Lawrence. “I will keep something warm for him.”
The good Doctor Russell Saunders recommended Taylor Swift for Singing Telegram Girl (I was drawing a blank), I think that’s a winner.
Featured image from Clue!, The Movie, poster art