R., my girlfriend, partner, and better half in virtually every way — I am undeniably better at first person shooters, but that may be it — has a single weakness (well, two if you count Australian shepherd puppies), her kryptonite if you will. It is a joke, and a very silly one at that, which she first heard when she was young. Despite having told it dozens, if not hundreds of times since, if she even thinks of it now, will cause her to fall into an uncontrollable fit of laughter for a good 20 minutes, perhaps longer. I say having told it many times, but that is not true. Each time she attempts to tell it she makes it about three sentences in and then begins to laugh too hard to speak.
The joke, which I must repeat is very, very silly, goes something like this:
There is a restaurant near where I used to live that advertises its ability to make any dish whatsoever. The proprietors are so confident, in fact, that they promise a reward of $1000 and free meals for a year to anyone who is able to order a dish they cannot make.
Naturally, people are always trying to win the contest by ordering the most outrageous things. I remember, for example, the time a man ordered giraffe hoof soup, a steaming hot bowl of which his server promptly brought to his table.
Then there was the time when I witnessed a woman ordering blackened angler fish fillets with a side of Shenzhen Nongke orchid-blossom salad, which she was served. As she so clearly enjoyed the dish I ordered the same for myself!
For many years I ate at the restaurant at least weekly, and in all that time they were never stumped. Until, that is, my last visit.
On that occasion a young woman, clearly new to town, asked about the contest and upon hearing the details was determined to win. “I’ll have an elephant ear sandwich!” she proclaimed, to which her server confidently replied, “Coming right up.” He disappeared into the kitchen and after several minutes of what I have no doubt was increasingly panicked searching, I overheard the server telling one of the owners, “Uh, sir. I think we’re going to have to pay this woman the $1,000 bucks.”
To which the owner replied, “Impossible! What did she order?”
“An elephant ear sandwich, sir.”
“Ah, see? You are mistaken. We have plenty of elephant ears. I just signed off on a new shipment this morning!”
“I know, sir, but the thing is… we’re out of really big buns.”
I will give you a few moments to recover.
Back with me? OK. For R., I need only say the phrase “really big buns” and she is slayed. I frequently use this fact to my advantage when it is clear that I am losing an argument. “Oh yeah! Well, REALLY BIG BUNS!” And I win by forfeit.
Anyway, are there any jokes that you simply cannot help laughing at, no matter how silly and how many times you’ve heard them? If so, what are the?! Tell me! I must know so that if you and I were to get into an argument, I could easily win. Also so I can tell them at parties.
No actual elephants were harmed in the making of this really, really cheesy joke.